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Ok, wow, today was interesting. I wasn't supposed to see Sean on account that he is grounded, but I met him for lunch with Lauren anyways. We had a nice time...we only had so long before he had to go back to his prep course. I hadn't seen him in a week and it was just sooo exciting to be able to be with him and have him hold me.
But, things didn't end like they were supposed to. Sean was dropping Lauren and me off at Barnes and Noble, and Lauren got out of the car. I was about to get out and all of a sudden Sean blurts out, "I love you" I didnt know what to say...I was overwhelmed. Finally I said I loved him back...because I didn't want him to be upset with me. But the truth is that I was extremely upset, because he promised me that he wouldn't say that until he meant it. I knew he didn't mean it...and it was just something he felt at the moment. I dont love him...but I'm not saying I dont have feelings for him. Obviously if I didn't, I wouldnt be going out with him.
But I know I dont love him yet, and I was hurt that he said it. I knew he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me...but he wasn't there with Jacob. He doesn't know what it feels like to actually feel the way that I felt for Jacob...and I dont want words being tossed around lightly as they were in my last relationship...because I really did love Jacob. But he didn't love me, and if he didn't use that word so lightly...I wouldn't have had the hard time that I did trying to get over him. I know that Sean doesn't know this, and I know that Sean would never purposely do anything to hurt me...because he's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. But I am hurt, and I dont know where to turn, or who to talk to...because no one has felt the way I felt when Jacob told me it was over. And no one felt what I was feeling when I had to see him with another girl. And no one knew how hard it was to hear that Jacob actually said those things about me...because at one point I really believed that he loved me. But he didn't, and I know Sean doesn't. I dont know what's going to happen in the future...whether or not I will love Sean will be determined later, but for right now...I'm still hurting, and I dont want my feelings to be tossed around as lightly as the word "love". I dont know...because I dont even know what I want. All I know it that Sean is the most amazing person, and I really want to be with him. I just dont think I'm ready to tell him that I love him.