I don't know what it is about this week really. a different emotion has covered me lately.

[heart_on_a_wall]

I hate to say it, but I know that when I look at him I see home. And I see what I wish I could be. It's kind of like I expected to see his face. Like I already knew what it would look like, and it just makes sense that it is there. Even if I can't explain why. But at the same time I have to pull back to look because it's surprising that things like this happen so soon. I love reading through my old saved emails. And I wish that they were letters so I could hold them in my hands. I love how every word he's ever said to me comes back to me in a blur. And I remember talking about his family and how we really weren't that far apart after all. And then I remember every thing I said that was wrong. And how my words come out in a rush and its hard to take them back. And sometimes I just sit in silence because I'm too afraid to talk. And then I feel like we are falling apart and if only I had something interesting to say. Sometimes I hold my tongue because otherwise I'll say something dumb. I won't be special and I won't be worth his time. And I remember he would ask me how I could just go around so carefree about things, but it was him that let me be that way. And I hate to say it but when I look at him it feels right. And I see what I'm craving now. That first high. He was that first high.

I miss you, mon cher ami.

I really wish it were that simple. I really wish that you could just find that something for your life randomly, and it was certain to be that thing that you needed.
I was taking a few of the five year old girls that I'm a councilor for to the bathroom today after lunch when this guy named Branden was over at the nature station cleaning up. He never did phase me, nor did the thought ever occur to me until today. Knowing him for but what four days I had only talked to him twice. As all these other councilors and assistant councilor girls did whatever they could for his attention. I thought it cute and quite entertaining at the same time. Well I was waiting for the girls to get out of the bathroom and I went up to Brendan and I asked him if he needed any help, and as I was helping him put stuff away my group of 5 year old girls came out of the bathroom. So I walked back over to them, and asked "are you guys done?" and they said yeah. So I started walking and they just stood there, and I said "what? guys come on lets not miss the park lets go!" and they just stood there and said "do you like him miss Lauren?" and I said "who?" "him (they pointed over to branden)...the nature boy" they said. So in response I said "no, I don't know him that well, but boys have cooties, so...". so the next thing I know I hear them screaming to Brendan "do you like her? do you like her...that's our councilor her names lauren we think she likes you?!" and he just smiled, and told them something over where he was, and they ran back and yelled "he likes you!" "miss Lauren you guys should get married!". And I looked over at him and we just smiled with this long awkward pause, and then I started walking, and I thought how fucking embarrassing, and completely insane, and stupid I was to stay there and should have left in the first place, and incredibly awkward, and priceless it all was. But as I kept walking I thought wouldn't it be nice. Wouldn't it be amazing to think you could just accidently bump into fate, and just accept it like that. I guess it was almost like one of those unrealistic life time garuntees. I don't think if given the oppurtunity to live my life where fate was as simple as that, if fate was at all real in the first place that I would accept the offer. But for that split second at that camp it felt quite childish, but genuine in its form. I mean how fucking insane to find someone and just know that they will be the one you will marry. but maybe it's not insane, maybe if fate held such a power one wouldn't feel discouraged in never finding their "true love". And our world might be one huge communist party at the same time, but I guess it got me thinking. It didn't really tell me much, but it was an adventurous day none the less. I guess that is really it. later.