My position is similar with the devaluation of my work, and thinking it is not *real* work, or that I have fooled people into letting me into my program at school.
My class background would validate what I do and call it work though - since using the brain is more valuable by my class background's standard.
I think my devaluation comes more from a gendered position, where I have been told to take up less space and that what I think about doesn't matter to the people that matter - that my thoughts could only be of relevance to the fringe and those "special interest groups." Like if it doesn't concern straight, white, middle-class men, it's an obscure interest of no value.
And I am not immune to this mode of thinking and have internalied it, despite being fully aware that I do it. I tell myself I study what I do since it's fun and I'm tired of being an activist within academia. But I also think the queer theory I study is important, and not because it effects those "important" hets but just because what I do in my little life *is* important. So, I live with the confliction - thinking it's only done for fun and thinking it is valuable information I am studying.
I am reminded of a conversation we once had where we were talking about this shift in your life, of you being "tired of being an activist within academia" and beyond, and realizing that the time you spend loving the people in your life is just as (or more) valuable than endless political organizing. This I think is part of discarding that internalized undermining of our lives and realizing, like you just said, that what we do in our lives is important.
I was also amused in reading your comment to remember that, on a global scale, while a lot of them hold a disproportionate amount of power, those straight, white, middle-class men are a minority themselves and that their interests are in fact special interest.
I think something that has come up a lot in this conversation and that you point to really clearly is what we tell ourselves to justify and validate what we do...and the flip side: what we tell ourselves to invalidate what we do. This internal dialogue is usually very private; I am finding it so interesting to read what all y'all that I respect so much say about yourselves to yourselves.
I always question the value of the things I do. I really value living in line with one's values and so I'm always checking to make sure what I'm doing is in line with my personal sense of justice. I've been trying to let go of that a little and just live and love and play...but then, I am afraid of all the awful stuff that is justified by "just trying to live". I don't know. I go back and forth on this one, trying to figure out a way to relax and not let it all go to shit.
I agree that awful things get justified when we put our values aside.
I guess I'm torn with keeping that in mind and then feeling like whenever value is placed, we are assuming an external source of validation. If I give something value, I assume there is an ethic outside of myself that others would also have to comply with.
I'm not calling for absolute relativism, and there are actions I think are universally good and bad. But I struggle with any kind of universal judgement.
And values cannot be separated from judgement, even when we give euphamism about it.
I just played outside with the dog in the rain and thought more about this. On a personal level, I think this preoccupation with self-analysis and value has to do with self-control and with feeling uncomfortable in privilege--that it is not my birth right, that it is not 'natural' that these things have come together for me. I feel an incredible responsibility to 'do right' with these gifts in my life.
About what you just wrote, I think that personal values often translate into what we expect of others, which is obviously awkward, because our personal beliefs are not shared and so people are always coming up short, etc., etc. Still, I think there is a place for personal principles with or without the support and compliance of others--we are constantly judging and valuing, so I kind of think that one way or another we are doing this. There are things that I believe without putting those beliefs on others (at least, I aspire to not put my beliefs on others).
Also, there is the concept of community principles--what a group of people living closely together agree is important or workable; an example from my work is the idea that young people should be safe in their schools. Of course, lots of people have different ideas of what that means in this community. But we agree on that principle and so I can initiate a discussion of how to include queer and trans youth in that.
My position is similar with the devaluation of my work, and thinking it is not *real* work, or that I have fooled people into letting me into my program at school.
My class background would validate what I do and call it work though - since using the brain is more valuable by my class background's standard.
I think my devaluation comes more from a gendered position, where I have been told to take up less space and that what I think about doesn't matter to the people that matter - that my thoughts could only be of relevance to the fringe and those "special interest groups." Like if it doesn't concern straight, white, middle-class men, it's an obscure interest of no value.
And I am not immune to this mode of thinking and have internalied it, despite being fully aware that I do it. I tell myself I study what I do since it's fun and I'm tired of being an activist within academia. But I also think the queer theory I study is important, and not because it effects those "important" hets but just because what I do in my little life *is* important. So, I live with the confliction - thinking it's only done for fun and thinking it is valuable information I am studying.
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I was also amused in reading your comment to remember that, on a global scale, while a lot of them hold a disproportionate amount of power, those straight, white, middle-class men are a minority themselves and that their interests are in fact special interest.
I think something that has come up a lot in this conversation and that you point to really clearly is what we tell ourselves to justify and validate what we do...and the flip side: what we tell ourselves to invalidate what we do. This internal dialogue is usually very private; I am finding it so interesting to read what all y'all that I respect so much say about yourselves to yourselves.
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Is it possible to just live without placing value on actions? Just living and loving and having fun should be an end in itself.
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I guess I'm torn with keeping that in mind and then feeling like whenever value is placed, we are assuming an external source of validation. If I give something value, I assume there is an ethic outside of myself that others would also have to comply with.
I'm not calling for absolute relativism, and there are actions I think are universally good and bad. But I struggle with any kind of universal judgement.
And values cannot be separated from judgement, even when we give euphamism about it.
Reply
About what you just wrote, I think that personal values often translate into what we expect of others, which is obviously awkward, because our personal beliefs are not shared and so people are always coming up short, etc., etc. Still, I think there is a place for personal principles with or without the support and compliance of others--we are constantly judging and valuing, so I kind of think that one way or another we are doing this. There are things that I believe without putting those beliefs on others (at least, I aspire to not put my beliefs on others).
Also, there is the concept of community principles--what a group of people living closely together agree is important or workable; an example from my work is the idea that young people should be safe in their schools. Of course, lots of people have different ideas of what that means in this community. But we agree on that principle and so I can initiate a discussion of how to include queer and trans youth in that.
Reply
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