Re: labour like a falling househeart_howlJune 16 2005, 23:21:52 UTC
Do you mean that academia is pretty much the only place where we get that kind of feedback and recognition of our work/smarts/politics, so it is uncomfortable and alien to us (thus feeling like impostors)? and then, because it is separate from the other things we do and because that kind of evaluation is implicit in schooling but not in other domains, we are not learning how to transfer that (self or external) evaluation/recognition in the other parts of our lives?
Your comment reminded me of one kind of family training that I received, which was explicit instruction to make men think that whatever I want to do was their idea in the first place. Basically, I had an intensive life long lesson in ego boosting and about walking on eggshells. I was taught to figure out tactful ways to get what I want and to never show that I actually have any needs or be direct about who I am/what I want. Obviously, this is a pretty fucked up lesson and is taking considerable effort to unlearn.
I think in some ways I've let my feminism exacerbate this, because I want to be strong, and a lot of the models of strength that I know have to do with protecting vulnerability with competence and selflessness.
Re: labour like a house on fireexactorboxJune 17 2005, 00:19:08 UTC
Yes. that is what I mean about academia. I often feel like I'm going to be found out, or that someone is going to call my bluff and I'll be busted. I think I do have trouble transferring that to my life. Luckily I have friends with whom I have totally honest, forward moving dialogue that helps to bridge it somewhat, but those relationships are still very ghettoized for me in politics / personal friendships. (I find it really difficult to take positive feedback. This partly comes from my work in the feminist movement for sure, in that when you're in constant forward movement, appreciation often looks like platitudes, and learning usually comes in the form of generous criticism.)
I wonder how many of us feel this way who were politically "brought up" as activists, rather than academics. There's a bit of a feeling I get that academia is activism's liberal, elitist sister, and when I'm doing academic work ABOUT activism, I can't shake the feeling that I'm participating as a 3rd party and am descending a slippery slope into liberalism and professionalism.
Anyway, this is becoming a chain of digressions, but I also wonder if all of these feelings for me are a result of the way that my life has played out in theory/practice: that compounding identites always leaves something out, or forces me to pick and choose parts of identities that work, while discarding others. Maybe a hangover of poststructuralism?
But back to your original post about the valuing of your work. How much of this do you think has to do with the kind of work you/we have chosen? I didn't much feel this anxiety about recognition when I was a labourer, but is that about the satisfaction and obviousness of completion that you talked about, or is it that the kind of learning I'm doing now is harder to measure, and less public, hence more insular and more subject to my own intense scrutiny, ridiculous standards of performance and lack of conviction about my own abilities?
At the same time that I was brought up middle-class and have tons of middle-class training, neither of my parents graduated from high school, and had lots to teach me about the protestant work ethic and the meritocracy, but little about academic or activist work. Maybe what I'm feeling is just the panic of new, unbridled learning, and generic fears about coming up short in the eyes of my peers. I'm way more at home in the practical than the theoretical, and find that this, too, is devalued in academic circles. Again, me straddling different communities. I am loathe to make such a gross understatement, but a lot of this sounds like Sartre's nausea: that cavernous gap between theory and practice, intention and action.
Yeah, I feel like I just dropped an idea and it splattered everywhere. More, please!
Re: labour like a dolphin's mindheart_howlJune 17 2005, 19:05:26 UTC
I guess I was literally brought up as an activist by my mom. I wonder how much of this is an ideal I've created out of my admiration for her--that if you are not risking everything, then your project is not noble enough. I find I value the actual education part of my job a lot, when I'm leading workshops. And in those times, I am risking a lot. Talking about sexual and gender diversity in this phobic area, and exposing my own experiences to a sometimes unfriendly audience.
I think that we get this awful feeling that "academia is activism's liberal, elitist sister" because in a lot of ways it IS. I think a lot of academics make up bullshit projects that make no difference just to further their own careers and boost their own egos. I think it is possible to make a difference and participate in meaningful work in academics, but that is definitely the minority of academics. And a lot of the anxiety we feel, that impostor feeling, is probably increased by our doubts in the system we're working with--that in calling it's bluff, we bring our own credibility into question. And as much as I don't want to live my life doubting myself and under-valuing myself, I think that that critical self reflection is crucial to keeping our work fresh and relevant and impactful.
I think that a lot of this fussing has to do with the kind of work I've chosen, for sure. I think all this is true: "I didn't much feel this anxiety about recognition when I was a labourer, but is that about the satisfaction and obviousness of completion that you talked about, or is it that the kind of learning I'm doing now is harder to measure, and less public, hence more insular and more subject to my own intense scrutiny, ridiculous standards of performance and lack of conviction about my own abilities?" I think with both school and work, I/we to create ways to evaluate what we've done and to make our projects public--I think it comes back to going quietly about our work and not wanting recognition. But these projects are *not* private and they do better to be shared in the community. I too feel that gap between preferring/valuing the practical, yet being in academics where that is less valued (although my program is pretty good about this), and also being in the work force where academics are not really valued. So I am constantly defending these choices to myself, reminding myself why I am doing what I'm doing. And I think this problem is more intense when you add in all the other living I do, all the care I give, my role at home/with friends/in love--how do I value/evaluate/or even notice all of that?
Your comment reminded me of one kind of family training that I received, which was explicit instruction to make men think that whatever I want to do was their idea in the first place. Basically, I had an intensive life long lesson in ego boosting and about walking on eggshells. I was taught to figure out tactful ways to get what I want and to never show that I actually have any needs or be direct about who I am/what I want. Obviously, this is a pretty fucked up lesson and is taking considerable effort to unlearn.
I think in some ways I've let my feminism exacerbate this, because I want to be strong, and a lot of the models of strength that I know have to do with protecting vulnerability with competence and selflessness.
Reply
that is what I mean about academia. I often feel like I'm going to be found out, or that someone is going to call my bluff and I'll be busted. I think I do have trouble transferring that to my life. Luckily I have friends with whom I have totally honest, forward moving dialogue that helps to bridge it somewhat, but those relationships are still very ghettoized for me in politics / personal friendships. (I find it really difficult to take positive feedback. This partly comes from my work in the feminist movement for sure, in that when you're in constant forward movement, appreciation often looks like platitudes, and learning usually comes in the form of generous criticism.)
I wonder how many of us feel this way who were politically "brought up" as activists, rather than academics. There's a bit of a feeling I get that academia is activism's liberal, elitist sister, and when I'm doing academic work ABOUT activism, I can't shake the feeling that I'm participating as a 3rd party and am descending a slippery slope into liberalism and professionalism.
Anyway, this is becoming a chain of digressions, but I also wonder if all of these feelings for me are a result of the way that my life has played out in theory/practice: that compounding identites always leaves something out, or forces me to pick and choose parts of identities that work, while discarding others. Maybe a hangover of poststructuralism?
But back to your original post about the valuing of your work. How much of this do you think has to do with the kind of work you/we have chosen? I didn't much feel this anxiety about recognition when I was a labourer, but is that about the satisfaction and obviousness of completion that you talked about, or is it that the kind of learning I'm doing now is harder to measure, and less public, hence more insular and more subject to my own intense scrutiny, ridiculous standards of performance and lack of conviction about my own abilities?
At the same time that I was brought up middle-class and have tons of middle-class training, neither of my parents graduated from high school, and had lots to teach me about the protestant work ethic and the meritocracy, but little about academic or activist work. Maybe what I'm feeling is just the panic of new, unbridled learning, and generic fears about coming up short in the eyes of my peers. I'm way more at home in the practical than the theoretical, and find that this, too, is devalued in academic circles. Again, me straddling different communities. I am loathe to make such a gross understatement, but a lot of this sounds like Sartre's nausea: that cavernous gap between theory and practice, intention and action.
Yeah, I feel like I just dropped an idea and it splattered everywhere. More, please!
Reply
I think that we get this awful feeling that "academia is activism's liberal, elitist sister" because in a lot of ways it IS. I think a lot of academics make up bullshit projects that make no difference just to further their own careers and boost their own egos. I think it is possible to make a difference and participate in meaningful work in academics, but that is definitely the minority of academics. And a lot of the anxiety we feel, that impostor feeling, is probably increased by our doubts in the system we're working with--that in calling it's bluff, we bring our own credibility into question. And as much as I don't want to live my life doubting myself and under-valuing myself, I think that that critical self reflection is crucial to keeping our work fresh and relevant and impactful.
I think that a lot of this fussing has to do with the kind of work I've chosen, for sure. I think all this is true: "I didn't much feel this anxiety about recognition when I was a labourer, but is that about the satisfaction and obviousness of completion that you talked about, or is it that the kind of learning I'm doing now is harder to measure, and less public, hence more insular and more subject to my own intense scrutiny, ridiculous standards of performance and lack of conviction about my own abilities?" I think with both school and work, I/we to create ways to evaluate what we've done and to make our projects public--I think it comes back to going quietly about our work and not wanting recognition. But these projects are *not* private and they do better to be shared in the community. I too feel that gap between preferring/valuing the practical, yet being in academics where that is less valued (although my program is pretty good about this), and also being in the work force where academics are not really valued. So I am constantly defending these choices to myself, reminding myself why I am doing what I'm doing. And I think this problem is more intense when you add in all the other living I do, all the care I give, my role at home/with friends/in love--how do I value/evaluate/or even notice all of that?
Reply
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