(no subject)
Today I don't feel too good.
Yesterday evening I saw Alice and she waved and I said, "are you ever going to talk to me?" she said she was trying to give me space, i told her that was the last thing i needed.
i spent all of yesterday crying and being so sad in my room. I can only do so much homework to distract me or read so much of high fidelity, or look at facebook, livejournal, luckily it didn't get so bad for me to look at myspace. just kidding. But i felt so god damn alone. I had no one. no one came to see me to see if i was okay to ask me to go to the motley with them. nothing. i was so alone. and it hurt so badly. i wanted to go home. really what i wanted was a huge fat hug. from lynna from francesca from my mom my dad nikhil anyone. please anyone can i have a hug? finally i asked for a hug from kelsey next door and she hugged me so tight even though she's so small and invited me to have a cig and to come to dinner with her even though her boyfriend is visiting. i told her yes and she eve invited me to some party she was going to but, i didn't end up going. thats when i saw alice.
and i told her all this, how much it sucked today that no one told me they cared about me at school, and that i felt so alone and it hurt and i didn't even care about wes all i cared about was our friendship and whatever. and she felt really bad and i knew she did and i didn't even ask her to explain why she hooked up with him. she said he didn't realize why i was upset and alice thought that was weird. i know it seems like, i shouldnt forgive her. but i know she is sorry, and sometimes its really hard to stay mad at people especially when you really do have a good connection with them.
but i still woke up feeling like shit, like i do every morning. so kept trying to fall back asleep so i wouldn't have to deal with work or people or unhappiness. but it got to a point where i couldn't do that anymore. and i told my brother how i was going to try to transfer to bard because it was closer to home and it would be easier and he was like, "diane you'd have the same problems anywhere, it's not about being close to home it's about going to college." why is it so difficult for some people? why is it so difficult for me? some people go off and have the best fucking time. i bet it's because i had a shit time in high school and im expecting things to be so much better but really, they're not, and actually high school junior year and the end of senior wasn't so bad. it actually might have been kinda cool. whatever.
i can't wait till friday morning when i leave for santa barbara and sleep in an actual bed that's not too small for me, (did you know i can't sleep in twin beds?) and has a tv in the room so i can watch inane television, and eat real food when my aunt makes it and drink tea whenever I want without having to walk a mile down the hall to the kitchen. friday please come soon.
thanksgiving please come soon
christmas please come sooner.
Yesterday evening I saw Alice and she waved and I said, "are you ever going to talk to me?" she said she was trying to give me space, i told her that was the last thing i needed.
i spent all of yesterday crying and being so sad in my room. I can only do so much homework to distract me or read so much of high fidelity, or look at facebook, livejournal, luckily it didn't get so bad for me to look at myspace. just kidding. But i felt so god damn alone. I had no one. no one came to see me to see if i was okay to ask me to go to the motley with them. nothing. i was so alone. and it hurt so badly. i wanted to go home. really what i wanted was a huge fat hug. from lynna from francesca from my mom my dad nikhil anyone. please anyone can i have a hug? finally i asked for a hug from kelsey next door and she hugged me so tight even though she's so small and invited me to have a cig and to come to dinner with her even though her boyfriend is visiting. i told her yes and she eve invited me to some party she was going to but, i didn't end up going. thats when i saw alice.
and i told her all this, how much it sucked today that no one told me they cared about me at school, and that i felt so alone and it hurt and i didn't even care about wes all i cared about was our friendship and whatever. and she felt really bad and i knew she did and i didn't even ask her to explain why she hooked up with him. she said he didn't realize why i was upset and alice thought that was weird. i know it seems like, i shouldnt forgive her. but i know she is sorry, and sometimes its really hard to stay mad at people especially when you really do have a good connection with them.
but i still woke up feeling like shit, like i do every morning. so kept trying to fall back asleep so i wouldn't have to deal with work or people or unhappiness. but it got to a point where i couldn't do that anymore. and i told my brother how i was going to try to transfer to bard because it was closer to home and it would be easier and he was like, "diane you'd have the same problems anywhere, it's not about being close to home it's about going to college." why is it so difficult for some people? why is it so difficult for me? some people go off and have the best fucking time. i bet it's because i had a shit time in high school and im expecting things to be so much better but really, they're not, and actually high school junior year and the end of senior wasn't so bad. it actually might have been kinda cool. whatever.
i can't wait till friday morning when i leave for santa barbara and sleep in an actual bed that's not too small for me, (did you know i can't sleep in twin beds?) and has a tv in the room so i can watch inane television, and eat real food when my aunt makes it and drink tea whenever I want without having to walk a mile down the hall to the kitchen. friday please come soon.
thanksgiving please come soon
christmas please come sooner.