bad mood & rant
So I was having a really god conversation today, but it sort of went wrong when relationships came up. I don't like talking about past realtionships, it makes me angry. I've never had a good relationship. I've never dated someone that I don't regret dating. That's just the way it is. I had low self esteem, and consequently I attracted jerks. I didn't trust my instincts, so I stayed in bad situations. I have actual proof that half the men I dated cheated on me, and suspicions about most of the others. When I find out that a relationship was based entirely on lies from the get go, how am I supposed to feel in any way good about it? My first kiss? It was great at the time. I was 17. I fell in love. I spent a year and a half in a relationship with him. We were talking about getting married. Then I found out that he'd been sleeping with one of my alleged best friends since before that first kiss -- so really, there's nothing from that relationship that I can look on with fondness or happinness. Every time I thought we were happy or having fun, it was a lie, and he was using me. There is no other side to that story.
Pretty much all of my relationships since then have been bad. Men telling me they love me, then admitting they lied. It's not just me saying "oh, he never loved me" . . . . . they actually tell me that they don't love me. I've had one actually good relationship with someone who was honest with me, and that honesty meant telling me that he didn't love me and never could. But at least he was up front about it. But I still regret the sexual relationship, becasue it meant that we can never be friends.
I hate that I think I'm fine, that I think to myself that I've moved on, that I'm happy and carefree, and then I get asked about my first kiss and suddenly I feel worthless. And it comes across. And it scares away the nice guys, and tells the assholes exactly where I am.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. I just want to go to bed. I don't want to wake up.
Pretty much all of my relationships since then have been bad. Men telling me they love me, then admitting they lied. It's not just me saying "oh, he never loved me" . . . . . they actually tell me that they don't love me. I've had one actually good relationship with someone who was honest with me, and that honesty meant telling me that he didn't love me and never could. But at least he was up front about it. But I still regret the sexual relationship, becasue it meant that we can never be friends.
I hate that I think I'm fine, that I think to myself that I've moved on, that I'm happy and carefree, and then I get asked about my first kiss and suddenly I feel worthless. And it comes across. And it scares away the nice guys, and tells the assholes exactly where I am.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. I just want to go to bed. I don't want to wake up.