(no subject)
"We need to talk." Four words, blurted, Jill's voice just as stressed
as the rest of her. She was wringing her hands again, and felt torn
between fleeing and fighting - fighting back, maybe, against something
that he'd done but it could be utterly innocent, and that made
her feel awful. "Now. Alright? We need to talk now." There'd
been no warning, no 'Oh, hi, how're you' with a kiss on the cheek or
anything like that. Just that blurted sentence, and now she was
staring at him like she expected him to run away.
Xander looked up at her from where he'd been sitting on the sand
reading a book for class and cocked his head at her, his eyes looking
at her, curiously shocked. He wracked his brain trying to think of
what might have upset her but nothing was coming to mind. He set down
his book and sat up a bit. "Umm...okay. What are we talking about?"
He asked, the wariness in his voice.
"You." She bit the inside of her lip so hard that she could taste
copper. "More specifically, you and Clark Kent."
Oh. Xander couldn't fight the blush that erupted as he stammered,
"Wh...what about us?"
The blush hit her like a ton of bricks, and the color faded from her
face. "You were holding hands?" She pressed her lips tightly together.
"... Are you interested in him?" She supposed she was at least owed
that.
He blinked. How did she know about that? Not that he hadn't meant to
tell her or anything but it hadn't really meant anything, so he didn't
think he had too. "I...uh...." What did he say? She was clearly mad
and he almost shrank a bit under her gaze. "Jill, I don't see what
this has to do with anything..."
".. You don't see what this has to do with anything." She was staring
at him now, her brows knitting. "You don't see- Xander, I-" She
swallowed hard, fighting the tears stinging in her eyes. "We're
dating. We've been dating nine months, and you're holding hands
with a boy who, when I ask you if you're interested in him, your
answer is 'uh' instead of 'no', and you don't see what this has to
do with anything?!" Her voice had gotten louder over the last few
words, bright splotches of color on her cheeks.
Xander winced, hiding it by standing up so they were at least on the
same level. He licked his lips and resisted the urge to touch her, hug
her and make everything alright. Except in the pit of his stomach, he
knew he couldn't. It was like Cordy all over again. "Jill...I...it's
nothing! Clark and I are friends, that's it. I...Jill please calm
down, we can talk about this." God he hoped so anyway.
"Are you interested in him, Xander? He said that he wasn't because
you had me, which isn't the same as no." Her voice had dropped,
her eyes still damp with unshed tears. "It's okay if you are. I- I
understand, I just-" It wasn't that she understood. She didn't
understand. But she'd say that she did if it would make him be honest
with her instead of talking like he was coaxing her off a cliff.
Clark...Clark had said that? So not the point here but Xander couldn't
help feeling a bit happy to hear it. Oh so not good. His girlfriend
was yelling at him and he was only proving the reason as he sat there,
thinking about Clark. What was wrong with him? Was every relationship
he had doomed like this? That sent a shiver down his spine. He rubbed
a hand over his face as he took a moment to think. "Jill, I..." He
sighed and looked away at the ocean. She deserved the truth. "I do.
But, it's not important. Because Clark's right, I have you!" Now he
looked at her again, realizing he wasn't making any sense, but neither
were his thoughts so he just blurted out whatever came to mind. "And I
mean, I like what we have. I like you, Jill."
She looked away, up at the sky as she tried to hold her voice steady.
"I- How isn't it important, Xander?" The tree she was looking at was
all blurry. "You were holding hands with him. I get it, Xander. I do."
She sucked in a breath, her hands twisting the hem of her shirt.
"Think about it, though. If you like what we have. If you wanted to
keep what we have, then- You can't like two people at once. You can't,
it's not right. It's not-" Her voice cracked. "Is this why? You were
acting so oddly, and I thought it was because of what I said when I
couldn't lie, but it didn't stop."
"I don't get it myself." He admitted softly, looking down at his feet,
shuffling the sand around his them. "I never mean for this to happen.
I should have warned you that I'm not very good at this relationship
stuff...This isn't the first time." Xander sighed and looked up at
her. "I care about you alot Jill...I didn't mean for this to happen."
He sounded sad and defeated, not sure what else to do as he tired not
to imagine Jill in Cordy's place.
His tone had changed so quickly. From 'No, couldn't be' to 'I'm
sorry'. She stared at him for a long moment, and then her eyes
brimmed, and she dashed a tear off her cheek. "So," she said, her
voice just barely not cracking, "Is this it, then?"
What was he supposed to do? He couldn't deny it and she didn't deserve
it either. Xander bit his lip, as he fought the urge to brush her
tears away. "I'm so sorry Jill. You deserve better then this. Better
then me."
"That's it?" Her voice did crack, one tear following the first, her
hand in a fist at her side. "That's all? That I deserve better, no-"
No 'Oh, Pole, you're worth holding on too so I'll square up my ways
and there'll be no handholding from now on, I promise'? What did you
expect, Pole?
What was it about her? Why did blokes do this? "I guess that is it,"
she said, swallowing hard. "I- The last-" She was trying to figure out
what to say, even though all she could do was not cry, and
things like 'The last sodding nine months have been good and
thanks,' didn't seem to be what should be coming out of her mouth.
"Good luck? With Clark?"
Good, Pole. Wish him luck with the bloke he's interested in instead
of you. Always so nice, you are.
Xander swallowed hard. What did she want him to do? She'd caught him.
He couldn't lie to her. He just physically couldn't. And while it
wasn't like the kiss Cordelia had caught him in, he still felt just
as bad. He wished...god he wished this could have worked. That he
could have been good enough for her. Maybe he was giving up too
easy...but to him, it was just history repeating itself.
And he felt just as bad, if not worse.
He looked at her and couldn't help himself from stepping forward a
bit. "Jill...I care about you a lot. These last few months have been
some of the best months I've had on the island. But..." His mouth
started it but he honestly didn't know how to finish it so he gaped
for a moment. "I know it's cliche, but I'm serious when I tell you
it's you, it's me." He winced, realizing how bad this sounded but he
was floundering.
"I-" She was holding herself together by her fingernails, at this
point. "I need to go." That was the best way she could think to put
it, even though she was thinking she needed to go and curl up in a
little ball and cry for about three days. "Good luck," she said, her
voice muddled. "With him, I mean. Good luck." She took a step back,
sucking in a breath.
"You too." Xander replied, voice choked up at seeing her cry. At
seeing what he'd done to her. "With everything." He sat down again, to
better fight the urge to walk over and hug away everything. But he
didn't deserve that, being the one to cause it. This was his life
after all and it hurt how not surprised he was.
Her face crumpled, and she pressed her hand to her mouth. "And,
Xander? N-next time, break up with them, first. Hurts less, alright?"
She turned, then, blindly walking away from him. She knew he could
hear her, hiccuping breath after breath, but she kept her hand to her
mouth as she just got away while she still could.
"I'll remember that." Xander sighed to himself as he turned and buried his head in hands as he listened to her walk away. Great...another royal screw up to add to the increasingly long list. And boy...did this one hurt.
It was a while before Xander could find the urge to move and even then, his eyes were red and his throat sore.
as the rest of her. She was wringing her hands again, and felt torn
between fleeing and fighting - fighting back, maybe, against something
that he'd done but it could be utterly innocent, and that made
her feel awful. "Now. Alright? We need to talk now." There'd
been no warning, no 'Oh, hi, how're you' with a kiss on the cheek or
anything like that. Just that blurted sentence, and now she was
staring at him like she expected him to run away.
Xander looked up at her from where he'd been sitting on the sand
reading a book for class and cocked his head at her, his eyes looking
at her, curiously shocked. He wracked his brain trying to think of
what might have upset her but nothing was coming to mind. He set down
his book and sat up a bit. "Umm...okay. What are we talking about?"
He asked, the wariness in his voice.
"You." She bit the inside of her lip so hard that she could taste
copper. "More specifically, you and Clark Kent."
Oh. Xander couldn't fight the blush that erupted as he stammered,
"Wh...what about us?"
The blush hit her like a ton of bricks, and the color faded from her
face. "You were holding hands?" She pressed her lips tightly together.
"... Are you interested in him?" She supposed she was at least owed
that.
He blinked. How did she know about that? Not that he hadn't meant to
tell her or anything but it hadn't really meant anything, so he didn't
think he had too. "I...uh...." What did he say? She was clearly mad
and he almost shrank a bit under her gaze. "Jill, I don't see what
this has to do with anything..."
".. You don't see what this has to do with anything." She was staring
at him now, her brows knitting. "You don't see- Xander, I-" She
swallowed hard, fighting the tears stinging in her eyes. "We're
dating. We've been dating nine months, and you're holding hands
with a boy who, when I ask you if you're interested in him, your
answer is 'uh' instead of 'no', and you don't see what this has to
do with anything?!" Her voice had gotten louder over the last few
words, bright splotches of color on her cheeks.
Xander winced, hiding it by standing up so they were at least on the
same level. He licked his lips and resisted the urge to touch her, hug
her and make everything alright. Except in the pit of his stomach, he
knew he couldn't. It was like Cordy all over again. "Jill...I...it's
nothing! Clark and I are friends, that's it. I...Jill please calm
down, we can talk about this." God he hoped so anyway.
"Are you interested in him, Xander? He said that he wasn't because
you had me, which isn't the same as no." Her voice had dropped,
her eyes still damp with unshed tears. "It's okay if you are. I- I
understand, I just-" It wasn't that she understood. She didn't
understand. But she'd say that she did if it would make him be honest
with her instead of talking like he was coaxing her off a cliff.
Clark...Clark had said that? So not the point here but Xander couldn't
help feeling a bit happy to hear it. Oh so not good. His girlfriend
was yelling at him and he was only proving the reason as he sat there,
thinking about Clark. What was wrong with him? Was every relationship
he had doomed like this? That sent a shiver down his spine. He rubbed
a hand over his face as he took a moment to think. "Jill, I..." He
sighed and looked away at the ocean. She deserved the truth. "I do.
But, it's not important. Because Clark's right, I have you!" Now he
looked at her again, realizing he wasn't making any sense, but neither
were his thoughts so he just blurted out whatever came to mind. "And I
mean, I like what we have. I like you, Jill."
She looked away, up at the sky as she tried to hold her voice steady.
"I- How isn't it important, Xander?" The tree she was looking at was
all blurry. "You were holding hands with him. I get it, Xander. I do."
She sucked in a breath, her hands twisting the hem of her shirt.
"Think about it, though. If you like what we have. If you wanted to
keep what we have, then- You can't like two people at once. You can't,
it's not right. It's not-" Her voice cracked. "Is this why? You were
acting so oddly, and I thought it was because of what I said when I
couldn't lie, but it didn't stop."
"I don't get it myself." He admitted softly, looking down at his feet,
shuffling the sand around his them. "I never mean for this to happen.
I should have warned you that I'm not very good at this relationship
stuff...This isn't the first time." Xander sighed and looked up at
her. "I care about you alot Jill...I didn't mean for this to happen."
He sounded sad and defeated, not sure what else to do as he tired not
to imagine Jill in Cordy's place.
His tone had changed so quickly. From 'No, couldn't be' to 'I'm
sorry'. She stared at him for a long moment, and then her eyes
brimmed, and she dashed a tear off her cheek. "So," she said, her
voice just barely not cracking, "Is this it, then?"
What was he supposed to do? He couldn't deny it and she didn't deserve
it either. Xander bit his lip, as he fought the urge to brush her
tears away. "I'm so sorry Jill. You deserve better then this. Better
then me."
"That's it?" Her voice did crack, one tear following the first, her
hand in a fist at her side. "That's all? That I deserve better, no-"
No 'Oh, Pole, you're worth holding on too so I'll square up my ways
and there'll be no handholding from now on, I promise'? What did you
expect, Pole?
What was it about her? Why did blokes do this? "I guess that is it,"
she said, swallowing hard. "I- The last-" She was trying to figure out
what to say, even though all she could do was not cry, and
things like 'The last sodding nine months have been good and
thanks,' didn't seem to be what should be coming out of her mouth.
"Good luck? With Clark?"
Good, Pole. Wish him luck with the bloke he's interested in instead
of you. Always so nice, you are.
Xander swallowed hard. What did she want him to do? She'd caught him.
He couldn't lie to her. He just physically couldn't. And while it
wasn't like the kiss Cordelia had caught him in, he still felt just
as bad. He wished...god he wished this could have worked. That he
could have been good enough for her. Maybe he was giving up too
easy...but to him, it was just history repeating itself.
And he felt just as bad, if not worse.
He looked at her and couldn't help himself from stepping forward a
bit. "Jill...I care about you a lot. These last few months have been
some of the best months I've had on the island. But..." His mouth
started it but he honestly didn't know how to finish it so he gaped
for a moment. "I know it's cliche, but I'm serious when I tell you
it's you, it's me." He winced, realizing how bad this sounded but he
was floundering.
"I-" She was holding herself together by her fingernails, at this
point. "I need to go." That was the best way she could think to put
it, even though she was thinking she needed to go and curl up in a
little ball and cry for about three days. "Good luck," she said, her
voice muddled. "With him, I mean. Good luck." She took a step back,
sucking in a breath.
"You too." Xander replied, voice choked up at seeing her cry. At
seeing what he'd done to her. "With everything." He sat down again, to
better fight the urge to walk over and hug away everything. But he
didn't deserve that, being the one to cause it. This was his life
after all and it hurt how not surprised he was.
Her face crumpled, and she pressed her hand to her mouth. "And,
Xander? N-next time, break up with them, first. Hurts less, alright?"
She turned, then, blindly walking away from him. She knew he could
hear her, hiccuping breath after breath, but she kept her hand to her
mouth as she just got away while she still could.
"I'll remember that." Xander sighed to himself as he turned and buried his head in hands as he listened to her walk away. Great...another royal screw up to add to the increasingly long list. And boy...did this one hurt.
It was a while before Xander could find the urge to move and even then, his eyes were red and his throat sore.