The Weekly Tuna: Ryohei, Masochist Extraordinaire
I'm going to be completely candid here everyone, I'm a lying liar that lies and I suck at being timely. I MEAN. Not like this is anything that is unobservable, because it's very observable when you just look at the number of posts this journal HASN'T been getting. Long story short, my job is incredibly crappy and leaves me a listless yet somehow incredibly frustrated meat-sack sprawled lifelessly on the floor of my kitchen all the time. Sometimes, while lying on the floor of said kitchen, liquids seep out of me. Either it's the joy slowly draining out of my body, or just my body hitting the point where it's so exhausted that it loses all ability to control basic bodily functions such as urination.
I think it's just the joy seeping out, though, because I haven't been able to be very funny in the general direction of a microphone or a keyboard lately. I literally have drafts of all the chapters I've missed thus far, saved in text files on my computer. They're sad creatures, really, full of no capitals, no punctuation, and ill contrived jokes revolving mainly around Koyo being Cyclops. I honestly don't remember. Eventually I plan on summoning up the courage and opening those some time soon so I can buy them a sandwich, hand them a $5, and point them in the direction of the nearest public shower -- for now, I'm just going to pick things up at chapter 307.
BUT FIRST! A short recap of our fight so far!
After blindly stumbling into Aoba Koyo in the forests of My Boyfriend Doesn't Love Me Island, Ryohei and Koyo decide to settle their differences and decide who tops with a boxing match. Koyo explodes out of his jacket and into what might as well be a set of luchador tights. Not a man to be out-done, Ryohei goes the extra mile and just fucking explodes out of all of his clothes in general and covers himself with a kangaroo instead. Imagine, if you will, that Ryohei is a magical girl who only manages to get only halfway through his transformation sequence. That's what those panels looked like.
Koyo laughs in Ryohei's face: the Shimon Family seems to have an inside informant, one who is sitting back somewhere, frowning at the Vongola and going "SONS I AM DISAPPOINT" while telling the Shimon Family all about their shiny Vongola Box abilities from the future. Koyo is assured he'll be victorious, since Ryohei is a Three-Minute Cowboy and can only last....well, three minutes before he blows his load.
BUT NAY, SAYS OUR GOOD MAN SASAGAWA! THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW! With his new Vongola Gear he can last a whole FOUR MINUTES in the sack with a rough bronco like Koyo! The two banter wittily (and by "banter wittily" I mean they pretty much go "U SUK" "NO U"), grunt, flex their muscles, and the battle is ON.
To put several pages worth of manga into one sentence: KOYO USES RAZOR LEAF, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE.
But then, suddenly, the lights on Ryohei's bangle light up, and after some ↓ ↙ ← A action, he unleashes a mighty HADOUKEN. Koyo dodges the BEAMZ, letting one side of the arena get thoroughly trashed. AS IT TURNS OUT, Ryohei is the S&M RANGER of the noble Vongola Rangers: the more abuse he takes, the more he likes it, the more powerful his resulting orgasm will be. 30% wrecked the ring and made Lambo's face look like it was stuck in a fucking wind tunnel. Apparently the EXPLOSIVE ORGASMS of the past were mere dribbles of precum in the bigger scheme of things.
More flexing. More posturing. More of Koyo still being PRETTY DAMN SURE he's going to win anyways. Ryohei continues to fight, letting each attack merely graze him, allowing him to accumulate more flame energy to charge up his laz0rz. THEN, SUDDENLY, (there's a lot of SUDDENLYS in this summary already....) Koyo takes a nasty one to his face, the force of the blow knocking his glasses off.
Because Ryohei is a ~*SPORTSMAN*~ he assumes he's going to win because megane boy is now glasses-less and can't see shit. BUT ON THE CONTRARY, Koyo's glasses prove to be pitch black, meaning either he's really confused, or secretly Scott Summers from the X-Men.
AS IT TURNS OUT, without his glasses Koyo can see a lot of shit. More shit than most people should be capable of seeing. He can see SO MUCH SHIT, that he's able to pick out exactly where to hit Ryohei to do the most damage possible. There's a lot of bullshit biology in this, but basically KOYO CAN SEE A LOT OF SHIT AND IN THE END, IT HURTS.
It looks like the tide of the fight has turned again, but SUDDENLY (I told you there'd be a lot of SUDDENLY. There always seems to be the need for a lot of SUDDENLY when summarizing shounen manga fights) Koyo stops cold and gets hit by another of Ryohei's attacks..!
Koyo explodes, THEN he goes flying, THEN he explodes again, THEN he slams into the barbed plants that surround the ring. Or, to put it very succinctly: FUCKING OUCH.
As it turns out, Koyo saw SO MUCH SHIT that he experienced sensory overload: the manliness information that each flex of Ryohei's muscles sends to his brain will eventually cause his eyes to FUCKING EXPLODE OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS or something equally disgusting and terrifying.
Ryohei's punch was SO FUCKING STRONG that it gave Koyo a new orifice for Ryohei to stick his dick into. The damage that was done is so great that Ryohei makes a shounen manga mistake that's usually reserved for villains, and assumes the fight is over. It's Koyo's turn to go NAY! and he explodes out of the vines of clusterfuckery to resume the fight. Because the Shimon Family can't give up and let their grudgewank die, not even when one of them has a LARGE GAPING HOLE in his stomach.
Ryohei takes this as a sign that he needs to blow Koyo away while he's at full power. Maybe he wants to try to shoot it through the hole in Koyo's middle. LIKE A TRUE SPORTSMAN WOULD...
The battle has boiled down to a test of endurance! No matter how much DADDY LIEK the rough beating, Ryohei's body can only hold out for so long against the waves of overwhelming pleasure. Likewise, a man's eyes can only see so much shit, and can only take so much jizz in them. Both combatants stop for a moment to engage in their union mandated two pages worth of manly grunts and power comparisons before they explode into battle once more!
Punches fly, PP is eaten up as Koyo spams razor leaf, and in the midst of it all Ryohei starts taking some pretty hard punches again. It's at that moment when Koyo's true intentions come out: If he has to break up with Ryohei, then he wants to make sure no one else can have the Turf Head either.
BUT THIS IS NOTHING. REALLY. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT LOOKS LIKE KOYO'S STUCK FINGERS INTO RYOHEI'S CHEST AND RIPPED HIS BLOODY, STILL BEATING HEART OUT, ANGRY EXES ARE NOTHING IN THE FACE OF SASAGAWA RYOHEI'S MANLINESS. HE'LL JUST KNOCK BACK A BEER, WATCH SOME RUGBY (MORE MANLY THAN AMERICAN FOOTIE), SLAP HANA'S ASS WHILE SHE'S ON HER WAY TO THE KITCHEN (NAKED) AND GET OVER IT.
REALLY.
That Koyo was a bitch anyways...
HE MEANT NOTHING...NOTHING...
Koyo closes in for the kill, smacking Ryohei in the face with all the terrifying power of a girl who didn't get asked to prom. Ryohei reels from the sheer force of the cattiness that was balled up in Koyo's fists, and for a good long while it looks like the Vongola's Sun Guardian might be the newest addition to the Vendice's aquarium WHEN...!
I think it's just the joy seeping out, though, because I haven't been able to be very funny in the general direction of a microphone or a keyboard lately. I literally have drafts of all the chapters I've missed thus far, saved in text files on my computer. They're sad creatures, really, full of no capitals, no punctuation, and ill contrived jokes revolving mainly around Koyo being Cyclops. I honestly don't remember. Eventually I plan on summoning up the courage and opening those some time soon so I can buy them a sandwich, hand them a $5, and point them in the direction of the nearest public shower -- for now, I'm just going to pick things up at chapter 307.
BUT FIRST! A short recap of our fight so far!
After blindly stumbling into Aoba Koyo in the forests of My Boyfriend Doesn't Love Me Island, Ryohei and Koyo decide to settle their differences and decide who tops with a boxing match. Koyo explodes out of his jacket and into what might as well be a set of luchador tights. Not a man to be out-done, Ryohei goes the extra mile and just fucking explodes out of all of his clothes in general and covers himself with a kangaroo instead. Imagine, if you will, that Ryohei is a magical girl who only manages to get only halfway through his transformation sequence. That's what those panels looked like.
Koyo laughs in Ryohei's face: the Shimon Family seems to have an inside informant, one who is sitting back somewhere, frowning at the Vongola and going "SONS I AM DISAPPOINT" while telling the Shimon Family all about their shiny Vongola Box abilities from the future. Koyo is assured he'll be victorious, since Ryohei is a Three-Minute Cowboy and can only last....well, three minutes before he blows his load.
BUT NAY, SAYS OUR GOOD MAN SASAGAWA! THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW! With his new Vongola Gear he can last a whole FOUR MINUTES in the sack with a rough bronco like Koyo! The two banter wittily (and by "banter wittily" I mean they pretty much go "U SUK" "NO U"), grunt, flex their muscles, and the battle is ON.
To put several pages worth of manga into one sentence: KOYO USES RAZOR LEAF, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE.
But then, suddenly, the lights on Ryohei's bangle light up, and after some ↓ ↙ ← A action, he unleashes a mighty HADOUKEN. Koyo dodges the BEAMZ, letting one side of the arena get thoroughly trashed. AS IT TURNS OUT, Ryohei is the S&M RANGER of the noble Vongola Rangers: the more abuse he takes, the more he likes it, the more powerful his resulting orgasm will be. 30% wrecked the ring and made Lambo's face look like it was stuck in a fucking wind tunnel. Apparently the EXPLOSIVE ORGASMS of the past were mere dribbles of precum in the bigger scheme of things.
More flexing. More posturing. More of Koyo still being PRETTY DAMN SURE he's going to win anyways. Ryohei continues to fight, letting each attack merely graze him, allowing him to accumulate more flame energy to charge up his laz0rz. THEN, SUDDENLY, (there's a lot of SUDDENLYS in this summary already....) Koyo takes a nasty one to his face, the force of the blow knocking his glasses off.
Because Ryohei is a ~*SPORTSMAN*~ he assumes he's going to win because megane boy is now glasses-less and can't see shit. BUT ON THE CONTRARY, Koyo's glasses prove to be pitch black, meaning either he's really confused, or secretly Scott Summers from the X-Men.
AS IT TURNS OUT, without his glasses Koyo can see a lot of shit. More shit than most people should be capable of seeing. He can see SO MUCH SHIT, that he's able to pick out exactly where to hit Ryohei to do the most damage possible. There's a lot of bullshit biology in this, but basically KOYO CAN SEE A LOT OF SHIT AND IN THE END, IT HURTS.
It looks like the tide of the fight has turned again, but SUDDENLY (I told you there'd be a lot of SUDDENLY. There always seems to be the need for a lot of SUDDENLY when summarizing shounen manga fights) Koyo stops cold and gets hit by another of Ryohei's attacks..!
Koyo explodes, THEN he goes flying, THEN he explodes again, THEN he slams into the barbed plants that surround the ring. Or, to put it very succinctly: FUCKING OUCH.
As it turns out, Koyo saw SO MUCH SHIT that he experienced sensory overload: the manliness information that each flex of Ryohei's muscles sends to his brain will eventually cause his eyes to FUCKING EXPLODE OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS or something equally disgusting and terrifying.
Ryohei's punch was SO FUCKING STRONG that it gave Koyo a new orifice for Ryohei to stick his dick into. The damage that was done is so great that Ryohei makes a shounen manga mistake that's usually reserved for villains, and assumes the fight is over. It's Koyo's turn to go NAY! and he explodes out of the vines of clusterfuckery to resume the fight. Because the Shimon Family can't give up and let their grudgewank die, not even when one of them has a LARGE GAPING HOLE in his stomach.
Ryohei takes this as a sign that he needs to blow Koyo away while he's at full power. Maybe he wants to try to shoot it through the hole in Koyo's middle. LIKE A TRUE SPORTSMAN WOULD...
The battle has boiled down to a test of endurance! No matter how much DADDY LIEK the rough beating, Ryohei's body can only hold out for so long against the waves of overwhelming pleasure. Likewise, a man's eyes can only see so much shit, and can only take so much jizz in them. Both combatants stop for a moment to engage in their union mandated two pages worth of manly grunts and power comparisons before they explode into battle once more!
Punches fly, PP is eaten up as Koyo spams razor leaf, and in the midst of it all Ryohei starts taking some pretty hard punches again. It's at that moment when Koyo's true intentions come out: If he has to break up with Ryohei, then he wants to make sure no one else can have the Turf Head either.
BUT THIS IS NOTHING. REALLY. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT LOOKS LIKE KOYO'S STUCK FINGERS INTO RYOHEI'S CHEST AND RIPPED HIS BLOODY, STILL BEATING HEART OUT, ANGRY EXES ARE NOTHING IN THE FACE OF SASAGAWA RYOHEI'S MANLINESS. HE'LL JUST KNOCK BACK A BEER, WATCH SOME RUGBY (MORE MANLY THAN AMERICAN FOOTIE), SLAP HANA'S ASS WHILE SHE'S ON HER WAY TO THE KITCHEN (NAKED) AND GET OVER IT.
REALLY.
That Koyo was a bitch anyways...
HE MEANT NOTHING...NOTHING...
Koyo closes in for the kill, smacking Ryohei in the face with all the terrifying power of a girl who didn't get asked to prom. Ryohei reels from the sheer force of the cattiness that was balled up in Koyo's fists, and for a good long while it looks like the Vongola's Sun Guardian might be the newest addition to the Vendice's aquarium WHEN...!