Things I'll Never Say Pt 3
Title: Things I'll Never Say Pt 3/?
Rating: G (will change! SERIOUSLY)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Pairings: YeWon
Summary: What you don't say for fear of hurt, could hurt more than you know.
Imagine my shock when I saw Siwon enter the room and close the door, effectively trapping the both of us in. His back looked tense as he rested his forehead on the wooden door, and I tried not to breathe too loudly. Of course, in this situation, I knew I had speak to him eventually. I wondered why I stopped treating him as a friend. We used to be so close. He was my fan service partner on stage, my best friend both on and off stage, my confidant behind closed doors at night. That was until a distance planted itself between us. I suppose that was my fault, because I couldn't let anyone in. Siwon seemed dangerously close to crossing the line in my heart between the love I had for him as a friend, and the love I had for him as something more. And I couldn't let that happen. But seeing him there now brought such melancholic nostalgia of the old days rushing back with such force, hitting me right smack in the heart. I just wanted to throw all caution to the winds; I wanted to wake up to his heartbeat, to touch his chest, broad as the sun, to stroke his hair and tell him I love him. But I quickly quelled the emotion and swallowed the lump in my throat. I couldn't give it, because whoever said love was faithful? Siwon may possibly be the most faithful person in the world, but love wasn't. Love would pull you apart and sew you back together painfully and mercilessly, until even the anesthesia of passion and happiness couldn't tide you through the painful operation of tearing you up and pulling your heart out, again and again.
"Hey," I tried casually, but speaking up was apparently a bad idea. Siwon let rip an uncharacteristic shriek and jumped so high I thought he was going to hit the roof. Given his height, that would be a definite possibility, I thought, almost laughing out loud, feeling a sudden fondness for my tall dongsaeng and causing my heart to tug painfully. Now I know why I distanced myself, I thought bitterly.
"Hey, hyung," Siwon managed to choke out, after his rapid breathing had slowed. I inwardly winced at his formality; I still couldn't get used to it.
"Come here to escape the crowd?" Siwon asked, smiling awkwardly, and I couldn't help but think about how stupid this was. Two grown men standing around in a dressing room that seemed to grow smaller by the minute, making uncomfortable, banal conversation like a couple on the first date. I got alarmed at the comparison I made myself, gave a curt nod and moved to leave. The only problem was that Siwon was still standing in front of the door, and something had come over his face, almost as if he didn't want me to leave. I paused in front of him, chancing a glance up, almost daring to hope that he wanted me to stay. But Siwon moved aside, and I laughed humorlessly inside, wondering what I was thinking. I reached for the doorknob...
Bang! I was suddenly slammed against the door with such force, all the air was knocked out of my lungs. I looked down to find my shirt fisted in Siwon's large hand before lifting my head up. A kind of wonder rushed through my body as I looked up at Siwon. What was that for?
"Yesung," Siwon spoke roughly, before looking down and seemingly tried to calm himself down, before he spoke again, lifting his head to look into my eyes. "Why won't you let me in?"
Yesung. He hasn't called me that ever since I started to avoid him. It was always hyung. I searched his eyes, which had darkened, and shuddered at the intensity I found there. Siwon was always an open book to me, and apparently that hadn't changed in the months that I skirted free of his gazes, his touches, his love. His normally unburdened, cheerful face was a crowded mix of fleeting emotions; sadness, confusion, anger all flashed in his eyes like a soundless picture film, and just then, realisation washed in. He didn't deserve what I did to him. Now that I could see in his eyes what he was feeling all this while, I realised now that I drove him to this. Siwon only gave me all of himself as a friend, and he was always only a sweet and true friend, through and through. I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't hide from myself and from him, the man whose eyes could look right into my soul, and whose face had burned into my heart right from the start. I found the world blurring before me, and to my horror, discovered that I was crying. Tears splashed warm onto my cheeks, and I blinked in mortification, only causing more of the damned liquid emotion to expose itself before Siwon's eyes. His face softened, but he didn't let go of my shirt. He brought up his free hand, and I winced, some irrational part of me fearing the worst. But he only raised a warm thumb and brushed my tears from my cheek, before bringing it to his cheeks and smearing my tears onto his own face.
"Yesung, don't cry, because I do too."
Screw my bloody defenses, I thought. Screw it all. Dashing forward, I buried my face in his chest, wrapping my arms around him and started to cry, unburdened, into Siwon's warm body. He brought his arms around my shoulders, and rubbed his hands up and down my shoulders. God, I missed this. I could only sob wordlessly into Siwon's chest, knowing that in this small room with its one door, I was protected, and could finally show myself to him. Finally. It hurt after all this while trying to be numb and cold, and all the barriers I painfully built up the past few months came crashing down as I let myself go.
---
I held his frame, which was racking with sobs, and I realised now how thin he had become. Quirky and fun Yesung, always the hyung we could laugh with and laugh at, had become so fragile, so vulnerable. A part of me was glad that he could show his true feelings to me now, like he always had. But another part of me was bleeding and crying inwardly at how sad Yesung seemed. I knew he was tired, but I never knew it was this bad. I had seen it in the lines of his face, in the fleeting moments of weariness that passed over his face, and in the tension in his back when I passed his room as he lay sprawled face down on the bed. But I had kept my distance, because that was what Yesung seemed to want, and couldn't do anything as I watched my former best friend sag with the burden of the world but yet lie to it. I saw through his lies, and now as I was holding Yesung, knew that I was right all along. I should've done something, I thought, even though I knew he was stubbornly pushing me away. As if reading my thoughts, he lifted his head and spoke.
"It was all my fault, it was always me. It was never you," Yesung whispered, voice trembling with emotion, and as if his confession had given me permission to cry, I did, my tears mixing with Yesung's on my cheeks. I smiled through my tears and pulled him back into my chest.
"It doesn't matter now, not anymore," I spoke into his hair, closing my eyes against the warmth of the body that was holding me, mirroring his emotions with a flood of my own.
Part 1 & 2 here!
xoxo
Bex
Rating: G (will change! SERIOUSLY)
Genre: Angst, Romance
Pairings: YeWon
Summary: What you don't say for fear of hurt, could hurt more than you know.
Imagine my shock when I saw Siwon enter the room and close the door, effectively trapping the both of us in. His back looked tense as he rested his forehead on the wooden door, and I tried not to breathe too loudly. Of course, in this situation, I knew I had speak to him eventually. I wondered why I stopped treating him as a friend. We used to be so close. He was my fan service partner on stage, my best friend both on and off stage, my confidant behind closed doors at night. That was until a distance planted itself between us. I suppose that was my fault, because I couldn't let anyone in. Siwon seemed dangerously close to crossing the line in my heart between the love I had for him as a friend, and the love I had for him as something more. And I couldn't let that happen. But seeing him there now brought such melancholic nostalgia of the old days rushing back with such force, hitting me right smack in the heart. I just wanted to throw all caution to the winds; I wanted to wake up to his heartbeat, to touch his chest, broad as the sun, to stroke his hair and tell him I love him. But I quickly quelled the emotion and swallowed the lump in my throat. I couldn't give it, because whoever said love was faithful? Siwon may possibly be the most faithful person in the world, but love wasn't. Love would pull you apart and sew you back together painfully and mercilessly, until even the anesthesia of passion and happiness couldn't tide you through the painful operation of tearing you up and pulling your heart out, again and again.
"Hey," I tried casually, but speaking up was apparently a bad idea. Siwon let rip an uncharacteristic shriek and jumped so high I thought he was going to hit the roof. Given his height, that would be a definite possibility, I thought, almost laughing out loud, feeling a sudden fondness for my tall dongsaeng and causing my heart to tug painfully. Now I know why I distanced myself, I thought bitterly.
"Hey, hyung," Siwon managed to choke out, after his rapid breathing had slowed. I inwardly winced at his formality; I still couldn't get used to it.
"Come here to escape the crowd?" Siwon asked, smiling awkwardly, and I couldn't help but think about how stupid this was. Two grown men standing around in a dressing room that seemed to grow smaller by the minute, making uncomfortable, banal conversation like a couple on the first date. I got alarmed at the comparison I made myself, gave a curt nod and moved to leave. The only problem was that Siwon was still standing in front of the door, and something had come over his face, almost as if he didn't want me to leave. I paused in front of him, chancing a glance up, almost daring to hope that he wanted me to stay. But Siwon moved aside, and I laughed humorlessly inside, wondering what I was thinking. I reached for the doorknob...
Bang! I was suddenly slammed against the door with such force, all the air was knocked out of my lungs. I looked down to find my shirt fisted in Siwon's large hand before lifting my head up. A kind of wonder rushed through my body as I looked up at Siwon. What was that for?
"Yesung," Siwon spoke roughly, before looking down and seemingly tried to calm himself down, before he spoke again, lifting his head to look into my eyes. "Why won't you let me in?"
Yesung. He hasn't called me that ever since I started to avoid him. It was always hyung. I searched his eyes, which had darkened, and shuddered at the intensity I found there. Siwon was always an open book to me, and apparently that hadn't changed in the months that I skirted free of his gazes, his touches, his love. His normally unburdened, cheerful face was a crowded mix of fleeting emotions; sadness, confusion, anger all flashed in his eyes like a soundless picture film, and just then, realisation washed in. He didn't deserve what I did to him. Now that I could see in his eyes what he was feeling all this while, I realised now that I drove him to this. Siwon only gave me all of himself as a friend, and he was always only a sweet and true friend, through and through. I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't hide from myself and from him, the man whose eyes could look right into my soul, and whose face had burned into my heart right from the start. I found the world blurring before me, and to my horror, discovered that I was crying. Tears splashed warm onto my cheeks, and I blinked in mortification, only causing more of the damned liquid emotion to expose itself before Siwon's eyes. His face softened, but he didn't let go of my shirt. He brought up his free hand, and I winced, some irrational part of me fearing the worst. But he only raised a warm thumb and brushed my tears from my cheek, before bringing it to his cheeks and smearing my tears onto his own face.
"Yesung, don't cry, because I do too."
Screw my bloody defenses, I thought. Screw it all. Dashing forward, I buried my face in his chest, wrapping my arms around him and started to cry, unburdened, into Siwon's warm body. He brought his arms around my shoulders, and rubbed his hands up and down my shoulders. God, I missed this. I could only sob wordlessly into Siwon's chest, knowing that in this small room with its one door, I was protected, and could finally show myself to him. Finally. It hurt after all this while trying to be numb and cold, and all the barriers I painfully built up the past few months came crashing down as I let myself go.
---
I held his frame, which was racking with sobs, and I realised now how thin he had become. Quirky and fun Yesung, always the hyung we could laugh with and laugh at, had become so fragile, so vulnerable. A part of me was glad that he could show his true feelings to me now, like he always had. But another part of me was bleeding and crying inwardly at how sad Yesung seemed. I knew he was tired, but I never knew it was this bad. I had seen it in the lines of his face, in the fleeting moments of weariness that passed over his face, and in the tension in his back when I passed his room as he lay sprawled face down on the bed. But I had kept my distance, because that was what Yesung seemed to want, and couldn't do anything as I watched my former best friend sag with the burden of the world but yet lie to it. I saw through his lies, and now as I was holding Yesung, knew that I was right all along. I should've done something, I thought, even though I knew he was stubbornly pushing me away. As if reading my thoughts, he lifted his head and spoke.
"It was all my fault, it was always me. It was never you," Yesung whispered, voice trembling with emotion, and as if his confession had given me permission to cry, I did, my tears mixing with Yesung's on my cheeks. I smiled through my tears and pulled him back into my chest.
"It doesn't matter now, not anymore," I spoke into his hair, closing my eyes against the warmth of the body that was holding me, mirroring his emotions with a flood of my own.
Part 1 & 2 here!
xoxo
Bex