Ughhh

[headimplosion]

I feel very unsatisfied with myself, I think. That explains why I've been spending so much time at the gym lately. After 5 straight weeks of a strict exercise regimen, I don't feel particularly self-confident. I do think I look better, somewhat. Anna told me that I look like I've lost weight, which is great to hear, but I still don't feel like I'm ready to put myself out there. It's totally frustrating, because I just wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be happy being me? Why can't I just say fuck it all and go out there and get myself a man and be satisfied?? Instead I think "I'm not good enough, I can't compete with all the other hot guys out there. If I went to a bar or club, no one would look twice at me because on top of being unattractive/unfit, I have a very uninviting personality." Is it the people I hang with? I mean I have Ichi hanging around all the time, showing off his ripped body for no reason other than he's a fucking douche, and then Ryusuke has muscles galore, and all the other Japanese people I know are fit or skinny. My American friends aren't necessarily fit though...but they've at least got personality, and they know how to let go of their inhibitions to some extent, or at least it seems that way. And then pile on top of that my most recent failure at love or relationships, with that asshole Ken, calling me fat, etc. I think that shit just really cut me deep, and that sucks. I thought I was a strong-ass bitch, and all it takes is some asshole to come along and say one thing to send my self-esteem tumbling down. I feel like I'm still trying to get over that even though it's been over a month since I cut off contact with him. Which really makes me wonder again, what the fuck is wrong with me?? Layered on top of all of that is my insecurity about what I'm going to do after I graduate. That's another motivating factor for me to hit the gym hardcore, because at least when I'm there I can forget about that shit for a little while, and then feel like I'm improving myself, making myself more worthy of something excellent. I dunno, sometimes I think the mind is too complex for its own good. What's the point in being so self-conscious, and thinking yourself so unworthy of happiness and good things? There is no advantage in thinking that way, at least none that I can think of.
Despite all of that, I have faith that once I move out of the shitbox I live in now, things will improve drastically, mostly because I won't have to deal with that prick Ichi anymore. God, that will be heaven. I fucking can't stand him, he irritates the fuck out of me every single day, and I just want to rip my eyeballs out. And once that negative influence is eliminated, and I'm living comfortably again, shit'll be swell!! At least let's hope so.