Why's it so hard?
I guess I'm starting to feel something, which is scary. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be attached to another person. I want to kill my feelings as soon as I can, because in the end they won't do me any good, because this relationship is impossible. You live a million miles away, which is not the only reason, but it's first and foremost. Second of all, you don't care about me. You don't care about a relationship. You may say you do, but it's not true. You want sex first and foremost. I mean, that's the impression that I get anyway, because you're not willing to do any give and take. You want what you want without compromise, and it's unrealistic to go into a relationship with that kind of mindset. Not to mention, you're in the closet. You're uncomfortable with your sexuality as it is, which I don't even know why I would be attracted to someone like that. If by some miracle this were ever to work out, we couldn't be seen in public, we couldn't do any of the normal things that couples do because it would make you uncomfortable. I would be a separate factor from every other aspect of your life. I wouldn't be able to meet your friends, your family, nothing. I would be your secret, and I don't want to be a secret. And above all, you are highly disrespectful to me. It worries me that I would want to be with someone who calls me fat on a regular basis, and constantly tries to act superior in very subtle ways. It's a continuation of the pattern set when I started seeing Danny. What the fuck is wrong with my self-esteem? If I had self-worth I wouldn't think twice about dropping this fool because of the shit that he's said to me over the months, and the lack of respect. It's clearly just a game he's playing to make himself feel better because he's in the closet, afraid, and insecure. So he toys with people like me who are too weak to resist, fucks with our emotions and then uses the ego-boost to go after the guys that he really wants, who probably don't want anything to do with him.
I could be making up like 80% of this psychological profile. I'm pretty sure I don't know what the fuck is going on in his head. All I know is that I wish I was there, on his mind, in a non-debasing way. Do I crave a relationship or am I just under some kind of emotional mindfuck caused by prolonged sessions of bullshit from this guy? Because I've stated time and time again that I don't really want one, but now that I've found someone that I've grown attached to, I really do, despite how obviously a bad idea it is, and despite how impossible it is. And despite not having any physical contact with him for more than two months, I'm finding myself thinking about him constantly, which is scary. I don't want that, I don't want infatuation. I don't want to put all my emotion and feeling into something that's impossible and will never come to fruition and will only disappoint me.
So clearly I understand that this will never come to be, and if it did, it would most definitely make me unhappy. So WHY. WHY am I putting all this emotion into it, and hanging all my happiness on it if it's clearly bullshit?? I'm guessing it's because I have nothing else. I'm guessing it's because there's no one else interested in me, no one else that I'm interested in, and there hasn't been anyone like that in almost a year. Am I growing desperate? Am I just clinging onto the first thing that comes along, just because it's easy and convenient, and gives me what I need? I think so. It's obvious that the reason why I'm so willing to throw all my self-respect under the bus and just take all the insults is that I have the illusion that someone is interested in me. This is a volatile situation for me, and I think I need out of it, however at the moment I'm feeling weak, mentally and physically. I need to find a way to change that, somehow, because I don't want to do this to myself. I don't want to chain myself up in some emotional prison and become a slave to lust, or desire, or whatever I'm feeling. Whatever it is, it's already having an awful effect on me. Now that I am aware of what's going on in my head, hopefully I can do something about it before it truly becomes a detriment to my happiness.
I could be making up like 80% of this psychological profile. I'm pretty sure I don't know what the fuck is going on in his head. All I know is that I wish I was there, on his mind, in a non-debasing way. Do I crave a relationship or am I just under some kind of emotional mindfuck caused by prolonged sessions of bullshit from this guy? Because I've stated time and time again that I don't really want one, but now that I've found someone that I've grown attached to, I really do, despite how obviously a bad idea it is, and despite how impossible it is. And despite not having any physical contact with him for more than two months, I'm finding myself thinking about him constantly, which is scary. I don't want that, I don't want infatuation. I don't want to put all my emotion and feeling into something that's impossible and will never come to fruition and will only disappoint me.
So clearly I understand that this will never come to be, and if it did, it would most definitely make me unhappy. So WHY. WHY am I putting all this emotion into it, and hanging all my happiness on it if it's clearly bullshit?? I'm guessing it's because I have nothing else. I'm guessing it's because there's no one else interested in me, no one else that I'm interested in, and there hasn't been anyone like that in almost a year. Am I growing desperate? Am I just clinging onto the first thing that comes along, just because it's easy and convenient, and gives me what I need? I think so. It's obvious that the reason why I'm so willing to throw all my self-respect under the bus and just take all the insults is that I have the illusion that someone is interested in me. This is a volatile situation for me, and I think I need out of it, however at the moment I'm feeling weak, mentally and physically. I need to find a way to change that, somehow, because I don't want to do this to myself. I don't want to chain myself up in some emotional prison and become a slave to lust, or desire, or whatever I'm feeling. Whatever it is, it's already having an awful effect on me. Now that I am aware of what's going on in my head, hopefully I can do something about it before it truly becomes a detriment to my happiness.