(no subject)
I've been so fucking lazy lately, it's ridiculous. I need to cut it out. I guess that's what happens when you're only taking 2 classes. Also the weather hasn't been much help. Every day it's been fucking gloomy and wet and windy...it makes me want to stay at home under the blankets and just do something relaxing. But really though, at the end of the day I wonder where all my time has gone and what I've spent it doing. And I wonder where my motivation went. Why haven't I accomplished anything. Why is my apartment still a mess. Why haven't I done anything about that electric bill. Why haven't I worked out in almost a week, although I had so much free time. And the only answer I have is "I didn't feel like it" or "I was tired." But why was I tired? I didn't do jack-shit today, so how the fuck could I possibly be tired? I don't have any excuse really. I want to say that it's just my need to relax being carried over from last quarter into the new one. True, I had a huge amount of stress at the end of last quarter, but that's all done with. No more worries. I wonder why I'm dissatisfied in many areas of my life, and the answer is that I don't try hard enough, or I just don't care enough to try because I figure everything will work itself out the way I want. But in the meantime I'm letting life pass me by. I spend my time thinking about my friends that have already returned to Japan instead of trying to create new friendships. I think about Ken instead of going out and finding someone else. And I think about how great it would be to have self-confidence instead of going out and building it within myself. I'm not trying to have any new experiences, I feel like I'm just drifting through every day. And it's not because I'm depressed either. At least, I don't think it is...I hope it's not. But I have a major energy and motivation deficiency. I wonder if it's the weather? Either way, I should at least have enough energy and motivation to shower in the morning when I wake up. I don't know why I didn't do that today. I don't think I even brushed my teeth. God, how disgusting. Why is it that when I'm fucking busy, I'm unhappy because I wish I had time to do the things I want, but when I have time to do everything I want, I'm still unhappy because I waste all that time? Why can't I be satisfied with the time that I have? Why can't I just be happy doing whatever it is I'm doing instead of worrying about all the things I'm not doing? I guess it's built into me. Even when I am enjoying my free time, my mom will always call and remind me of 5 things I have to do or else everything will go to shit and my life will be destroyed forever. I wish she would stop that... I want to just enjoy myself. I'll deal with everything in due time. However, I need some new goals.
1. work out at least 3X/week like I said during New Year's.
2. shower every MORNING. night doesn't count.
3. get at least 7 hours of sleep per night.
4. do all homework as soon as possible.
I'm not going to schedule my activities around my friends. I'm going to do what I need to do first and then join my friends later. Anyway, I have to go pee, and I want to go to the store and get some juice or something. I'm tired of water and tea. Peace!
1. work out at least 3X/week like I said during New Year's.
2. shower every MORNING. night doesn't count.
3. get at least 7 hours of sleep per night.
4. do all homework as soon as possible.
I'm not going to schedule my activities around my friends. I'm going to do what I need to do first and then join my friends later. Anyway, I have to go pee, and I want to go to the store and get some juice or something. I'm tired of water and tea. Peace!