Cool it
I feel like I've been a horrible person lately. Lately being the last 4-5 months or so. I've been very negative, hateful, unappreciative, bitter, jealous...any kind of negative emotion you can think of, I've come to embody, and I'm kind of disgusted with myself. I know that all this shit is just a shield to protect my fragile ego, which received some extremely huge blows, most of which I inflicted on myself, because I'm self-destructive that way.
Just a sidenote: I'm not trying to be emo. I'm not depressed or anything like that, I'm just admitting to the nastiness that's been going on with me personally because I'm tired of it.
Actually, come to think of it, this trend may have started long before I dumped that prick. However the emotional pain of that whole experience really exacerbated it. I clung onto my brutality as a way of protecting myself and severing connections without regret. However, regret was inevitable. I think the nastiness truly started when I tried to invade Danny's circle of friends. I wanted more than anything to prove that I was better than him in some way, so I clung onto Adam. And I got some reassurance from Adam that I was a better friend, but verbal reassurance was not enough for me. I needed concrete results. I wanted Adam to love me instead of Danny. I wanted Adam to always want to hang out with me and stop giving a shit about Danny. So to that end I did some things that I'd rather not go into because it's embarrassing, especially because I can't even stand the thought of Adam anymore. But I wanted more than anything to replace Danny. I was so jealous of him, and maybe I still am. I did exactly what I told myself I would never do, I used people selfishly for my own benefit. I used both Adam and David to make myself feel better. Adam was right, I did use him as a social crutch. In a way, I guess it makes me a hypocrite that I stopped being his friend because he was too needy. However, in the end, it's the best choice I could've made. I honestly couldn't go on babying him. And Danny was always in the back of my mind when I hung out with him. Then whenever he mentioned Danny, or posted something about him on Facebook, it got to the point where I would get livid. Because that to me was like a sign that I was failing. I wasn't replacing Danny. He was still somehow successful wit his friendships despite however often his friends complained about what a terrible friend he was, and I took this as a sign that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't desirable enough, and there was something about Danny that everyone (including me) couldn't get enough of. What disturbs me is how prone to this sort of thinking I am. This way of thinking is why I went through so many years of therapy because I, in effect, would tear down my own self-esteem for no good reason. That was how I developed social anxiety as well as depression.
Why do I bring any of this up? Well, for one thing, I feel like I need a clean slate. I'm ready to change this pattern of behavior. I've had enough nastiness. I'm ready to boost myself up in a healthy, productive way. Also, now that I'm sick it's given me some time to think. I've also come to find out that David is now in a relationship with a guy. Just makes me wonder...why, after all this time, have I not yet found a guy, while someone as boring as David seems to have found someone so easily? It's gotta be the negativity factor. I'd say I'm still kind of under the weather, as far as my mental state goes, but I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I have to do, and I'm willing to do it. Ditching Adam, as well as the fucked-up hope of replacing Danny in his circle of friends, was one of those necessary steps. So...I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest. :)
Just a sidenote: I'm not trying to be emo. I'm not depressed or anything like that, I'm just admitting to the nastiness that's been going on with me personally because I'm tired of it.
Actually, come to think of it, this trend may have started long before I dumped that prick. However the emotional pain of that whole experience really exacerbated it. I clung onto my brutality as a way of protecting myself and severing connections without regret. However, regret was inevitable. I think the nastiness truly started when I tried to invade Danny's circle of friends. I wanted more than anything to prove that I was better than him in some way, so I clung onto Adam. And I got some reassurance from Adam that I was a better friend, but verbal reassurance was not enough for me. I needed concrete results. I wanted Adam to love me instead of Danny. I wanted Adam to always want to hang out with me and stop giving a shit about Danny. So to that end I did some things that I'd rather not go into because it's embarrassing, especially because I can't even stand the thought of Adam anymore. But I wanted more than anything to replace Danny. I was so jealous of him, and maybe I still am. I did exactly what I told myself I would never do, I used people selfishly for my own benefit. I used both Adam and David to make myself feel better. Adam was right, I did use him as a social crutch. In a way, I guess it makes me a hypocrite that I stopped being his friend because he was too needy. However, in the end, it's the best choice I could've made. I honestly couldn't go on babying him. And Danny was always in the back of my mind when I hung out with him. Then whenever he mentioned Danny, or posted something about him on Facebook, it got to the point where I would get livid. Because that to me was like a sign that I was failing. I wasn't replacing Danny. He was still somehow successful wit his friendships despite however often his friends complained about what a terrible friend he was, and I took this as a sign that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't desirable enough, and there was something about Danny that everyone (including me) couldn't get enough of. What disturbs me is how prone to this sort of thinking I am. This way of thinking is why I went through so many years of therapy because I, in effect, would tear down my own self-esteem for no good reason. That was how I developed social anxiety as well as depression.
Why do I bring any of this up? Well, for one thing, I feel like I need a clean slate. I'm ready to change this pattern of behavior. I've had enough nastiness. I'm ready to boost myself up in a healthy, productive way. Also, now that I'm sick it's given me some time to think. I've also come to find out that David is now in a relationship with a guy. Just makes me wonder...why, after all this time, have I not yet found a guy, while someone as boring as David seems to have found someone so easily? It's gotta be the negativity factor. I'd say I'm still kind of under the weather, as far as my mental state goes, but I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I have to do, and I'm willing to do it. Ditching Adam, as well as the fucked-up hope of replacing Danny in his circle of friends, was one of those necessary steps. So...I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest. :)