(no subject)

[headbandoflove]

this is the second time its happened, because this is the second relationship and apparently its a routine that is necessary in my mind. THis event occurs when i know i am attatched.......its the time of doubting. Not of the other person but of myself, i start thinking that i'm not good enough for the other person and i'm afraid that one day they are going to realize it and completely break me and makes me loose hope. I'm always so scared of this, in fact it is so bad that it will bring me to tears and all the comforting words emily has to say just dont seem to sink in but i become completely invested anyway but the feeling still lurks behind me. So then it ends and this event makes my fears so evidently reassured that i am forever afraid of being crushed again. It just seems like there is always something better out there and i'm never it, and this could be coming from the insecurities i still cling to from the last endeavor which will not subside because of the fact that i have to deal with that situation every day.

Fuck i hate not being able to control this, and it would help if it would quit finding me in my dreams to antagonize me once again and help me relive all that has happened. Last night i asked him if i was just a prize to him, just a goal that he had always wanted to acheive and he answered yes, i asked him if he was dissapointed, once again the reply was a yes. Its killer when your dreams replay reality and the remote stopped working due to an overuse.......

My hands are high

And I'm holding out, holding up

Because I figure that I just might make it

And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping

And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold

And I unfold.

*(I'm trying mr.a-z)