Relationship mini essay.
This is a result of thinking and partly all the conversations Rikuou and Swift have had about the subject. I’ve already essayed (waaaay back) on Nanba/Pell. Recently Nanba told Pell that yes, he loved him and there was smiling and stuff that wasn’t proper library activities. So, second person he has admitted to love loves him back. Yay, right? Not exactly. Sure, he is happy. But there are a few things to consider.
1) They are both going to leave. This would be slightly better if it was a concept, not something he has experienced before. But, having been dumped rather badly in the past by the first and only person he loved, he knows exactly how much it’s going to hurt. It’s not the same because Pell doesn’t want to leave, but the result is the same: people he loves don’t stay. Being a moron, he just thinks it’s okay. He already missed his chance first time.
2) Unlike last time, he knows how it’s going to end. But he doesn’t want to end anything because he has tried stepping back and not getting too close in the past. The difference with Pell and other people he has dated and dumped is that Pell is very codependent. So, turning Pell down gently is a difficult option, particularly when Nanba doesn’t really want to. (for more guilt issues, see the mini Nakao essay I’ve written before) Plus there’s a line of people in camp that would maim Nanba if he ever attempted to end things just to save himself pain.
3) Secretly, he likes that Cal is not in camp anymore, because that means he is not second best anymore. When it’s special people, Nanba sucks at sharing. He tries not to know exactly what kind of relationship Pell has with some campers (see: Dee) because he knows he wouldn’t deal well with it.
4) Having heard from several wraeththu that Pell eventually manages to be important for his world and meet Cal again, Nanba thinks the mature choice is just to shut up and be happy with what he has now. Pell won’t survive in his world and Nanba- even if the descriptions on just how little chances of surviving as a human/ surviving inception weren’t enough- has decided not to attempt to go to wraeththu land. Because that would be childish and he would always be second best.
5) Nanba doesn’t want to discuss any of this with Pell. He knows it wouldn’t end well and just cause more emo. And Nanba’s response to emo is to move on, make a joke and leave things be. And then feel guilty about it even when it’s not really his fault.
So in short: Nanba thinks he is a complete moron for walking willingly into a relationship that’s going to end badly. But doesn’t want to do anything about it because he realizes there’s no much he can actually do.
He’s happy. But he is also a moron.
1) They are both going to leave. This would be slightly better if it was a concept, not something he has experienced before. But, having been dumped rather badly in the past by the first and only person he loved, he knows exactly how much it’s going to hurt. It’s not the same because Pell doesn’t want to leave, but the result is the same: people he loves don’t stay. Being a moron, he just thinks it’s okay. He already missed his chance first time.
2) Unlike last time, he knows how it’s going to end. But he doesn’t want to end anything because he has tried stepping back and not getting too close in the past. The difference with Pell and other people he has dated and dumped is that Pell is very codependent. So, turning Pell down gently is a difficult option, particularly when Nanba doesn’t really want to. (for more guilt issues, see the mini Nakao essay I’ve written before) Plus there’s a line of people in camp that would maim Nanba if he ever attempted to end things just to save himself pain.
3) Secretly, he likes that Cal is not in camp anymore, because that means he is not second best anymore. When it’s special people, Nanba sucks at sharing. He tries not to know exactly what kind of relationship Pell has with some campers (see: Dee) because he knows he wouldn’t deal well with it.
4) Having heard from several wraeththu that Pell eventually manages to be important for his world and meet Cal again, Nanba thinks the mature choice is just to shut up and be happy with what he has now. Pell won’t survive in his world and Nanba- even if the descriptions on just how little chances of surviving as a human/ surviving inception weren’t enough- has decided not to attempt to go to wraeththu land. Because that would be childish and he would always be second best.
5) Nanba doesn’t want to discuss any of this with Pell. He knows it wouldn’t end well and just cause more emo. And Nanba’s response to emo is to move on, make a joke and leave things be. And then feel guilty about it even when it’s not really his fault.
So in short: Nanba thinks he is a complete moron for walking willingly into a relationship that’s going to end badly. But doesn’t want to do anything about it because he realizes there’s no much he can actually do.
He’s happy. But he is also a moron.