Recap of Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003)!
Okay, team, part seven was not as bad as I’d remembered, and I actually finished it this time, so maybe this next chapter will work. But I think it’s the one that’s just clips of the other movies. Not the one that Brockton McKinney and Jason Strutz did the framing sequence for, that one had at least those guys going for it. I think this one is just a lump of disconnected footage. Pray for me.
Framework is a tough lady talking to a client on the phone about this secret diary of Puppet Master Toulon’s she got, and she starts to read it and watches a clip from the second movie about how he got magic puppets in Cairo. But she is as bored by that as I am, so she moves on to rough up some other kindly old puppeteer until he gives her a clip of the most recent movie and I have to watch more of that again a week after I watched the whole thing and even with Greg Sestero this is asking a lot of me. It’s seriously a ten minute clip and there weren’t ten minutes worth remembering in that one.
But the tough lady is able to stay awake long enough to survive the flashback, and the puppeteer throws another clip at her, this time of that awful third one set in the rise of the Third Reich. I am on my phone for half of it and am not sure what home audiences would have done in 2003. I think it’s about twenty minutes of that movie, covering the Nazis shooting Toulon’s wife and him getting revenge, but seriously, I think this movie has been running in my room since last week and I hate it.
But at least it’s done, and the old man is talking the tough lady through Toulon’s suicide in part one and the puppet murders in that first movie, then the second. These clips are better than the first few, and I can see how this movie is overall trying to put the disconnected series into a linear order, but I don’t really need to spend an hour and a half on this when Wikipedia exists and better nerds than I have already done this work, I’m sure. (If you are one of those nerds, I thank you for your service.)
Oh, good, now the puppeteer is talking through the part of the fifth movie that recaps the fourth one, which is efficient and covers my two favorite entries in the series so far. These were the ones where the cute blonde guy and Toulon’s puppets fight meaner uglier puppets and the Egyptian god of puppets and yes, it was so stupid, but I promise you I have evidence of seeing worse. But we pop back to the framing sequence, and the mean lady confesses to killing the blonde kid in her search for the animation formula. Jerk. And even worse, this drops us all into a recap of the gay sixth movie but only the parts where the guy has his top on.
Okay, yes, it does have the scene where the puppet with the drill on his head (called Tunneler or Drill Sergeant, I prefer the latter) kills a shirtless guy in the dick when he’s doing bench presses in his garage. That’s a high point in the franchise, nice to see it here.
So that’s all the movies so far, in order. It doesn’t explain how in the clip of the second movie, they burn the Leech Woman puppet in a stove, and seven days later, when they get to a clip in the sixth movie, she’s fine and killing bad guys. But I suspect fans of these movies either don’t notice, don’t mind, or don’t care. And hey, she’s cool, put me in the “don’t mind” category.
Back in the present day for what I hope is the last time, the puppets sneak up on the mean lady and the puppeteer can take her gun and pull it on her oh, God, now she is taking a turn to do a flashback clip, this time of the puppets resurrecting Toulon in the second movie, that time he was evil unlike every other appearance including the resurrection in part five.
Somehow, this represents a twist where the woman explains that her client was actually the puppets who want her to find out how to kill them and end their immortal curse stuck in little bodies with, in some cases, knives for eyes. How did they talk to her on a phone? I don’t care. Anyway, this leads to the twist ending where they take out their rage on the kindly old puppeteer for the crime of, I guess, now knowing how to kill them, and I know they kill Nazis but they are also not nice puppets and not in some complicated way, either.
That’s it. 73 minutes, mostly stuff you didn’t love the first time but now in a different order. Let’s all agree to just find supercuts on YouTube of the shirtless guys in parts two and six, Greg Sestero’s scenes in part seven, and then watch parts four and five in their entirety. And the rest doesn’t exist.
But it’s going to be okay. The next movie has Corey Feldman, and then it’s six movies I haven’t seen before, so that could be good… send help.
Framework is a tough lady talking to a client on the phone about this secret diary of Puppet Master Toulon’s she got, and she starts to read it and watches a clip from the second movie about how he got magic puppets in Cairo. But she is as bored by that as I am, so she moves on to rough up some other kindly old puppeteer until he gives her a clip of the most recent movie and I have to watch more of that again a week after I watched the whole thing and even with Greg Sestero this is asking a lot of me. It’s seriously a ten minute clip and there weren’t ten minutes worth remembering in that one.
But the tough lady is able to stay awake long enough to survive the flashback, and the puppeteer throws another clip at her, this time of that awful third one set in the rise of the Third Reich. I am on my phone for half of it and am not sure what home audiences would have done in 2003. I think it’s about twenty minutes of that movie, covering the Nazis shooting Toulon’s wife and him getting revenge, but seriously, I think this movie has been running in my room since last week and I hate it.
But at least it’s done, and the old man is talking the tough lady through Toulon’s suicide in part one and the puppet murders in that first movie, then the second. These clips are better than the first few, and I can see how this movie is overall trying to put the disconnected series into a linear order, but I don’t really need to spend an hour and a half on this when Wikipedia exists and better nerds than I have already done this work, I’m sure. (If you are one of those nerds, I thank you for your service.)
Oh, good, now the puppeteer is talking through the part of the fifth movie that recaps the fourth one, which is efficient and covers my two favorite entries in the series so far. These were the ones where the cute blonde guy and Toulon’s puppets fight meaner uglier puppets and the Egyptian god of puppets and yes, it was so stupid, but I promise you I have evidence of seeing worse. But we pop back to the framing sequence, and the mean lady confesses to killing the blonde kid in her search for the animation formula. Jerk. And even worse, this drops us all into a recap of the gay sixth movie but only the parts where the guy has his top on.
Okay, yes, it does have the scene where the puppet with the drill on his head (called Tunneler or Drill Sergeant, I prefer the latter) kills a shirtless guy in the dick when he’s doing bench presses in his garage. That’s a high point in the franchise, nice to see it here.
So that’s all the movies so far, in order. It doesn’t explain how in the clip of the second movie, they burn the Leech Woman puppet in a stove, and seven days later, when they get to a clip in the sixth movie, she’s fine and killing bad guys. But I suspect fans of these movies either don’t notice, don’t mind, or don’t care. And hey, she’s cool, put me in the “don’t mind” category.
Back in the present day for what I hope is the last time, the puppets sneak up on the mean lady and the puppeteer can take her gun and pull it on her oh, God, now she is taking a turn to do a flashback clip, this time of the puppets resurrecting Toulon in the second movie, that time he was evil unlike every other appearance including the resurrection in part five.
Somehow, this represents a twist where the woman explains that her client was actually the puppets who want her to find out how to kill them and end their immortal curse stuck in little bodies with, in some cases, knives for eyes. How did they talk to her on a phone? I don’t care. Anyway, this leads to the twist ending where they take out their rage on the kindly old puppeteer for the crime of, I guess, now knowing how to kill them, and I know they kill Nazis but they are also not nice puppets and not in some complicated way, either.
That’s it. 73 minutes, mostly stuff you didn’t love the first time but now in a different order. Let’s all agree to just find supercuts on YouTube of the shirtless guys in parts two and six, Greg Sestero’s scenes in part seven, and then watch parts four and five in their entirety. And the rest doesn’t exist.
But it’s going to be okay. The next movie has Corey Feldman, and then it’s six movies I haven’t seen before, so that could be good… send help.