drama
I am posting here again because I need to vent and I am afraid Shannon could read my other journal.
Well ok lets start at the beginning of all the drama...
Years ago...we'll say 4 years, since I frankly can't remember when it was I was involved in a short term affair with one of shannon's friends, Stephen. I didnt expect it...I invited him in the house one day when shannon was gone and he massaged my back and I let it go from there. I don't really know why, but i was at a weird part in my life and I had horribly low self esteem and couldnt say no to anyone, for fear they would hate me. I am pretty sure I was bulimic/anorexic/self mutilating at the time. Anyway so I slept with this guy on numerous occasions and he started to become attached and one time I was in his truck and he asked me how many children i wanted and how i wanted our wedding. This frankly scared the shit out of me and I realized that i was getting in too deep. I strung him along....just because I was afraid to hurt his feelings, but i knew I wanted to stay with shannon and that this was going nowhere.
So eventually...after a few months of leading him on, I stopped talking to him and seeing him.
He would drive by the house, and stalk me at school and work and it started to scare me a bit...But he never told shannon about me sleeping with him even though he could.
About 6 months or a year after this (again, my memory is complete shit) I talked to him one more time and told him that I was not going to be with him and that my place was with shannon. He accepted this and kinda went away for a few years.
I mean...he tried calling a few times..every so often and we would ignore it. He called about 6 months ago and shannon talked to him. I know he really calls to see if I will answer.
So a few days ago, he texts my phone and shannon sent him a text on his phone telling him to stop texting my number. He says ok and I end up getting to text stephen. I told him that I enjoyed the times we had, but that I cant have another affair with him...its just too stressful. He said he has been looking for Mrs Right, but that he cant find her and that he wishes I could be with him but that he knows its a pipe dream. I said yeah it is. I have a kid now and a relationship and a life and I cant do that shit. He said ok, but that I have a great heart,etc, etc.
Well since then, I have been thinking about him nonstop! UGH. I have contemplated many times calling him and telling him that I want to just be friends and learn about him as a person...since i didnt get to do that before and I am genuinely interested in him as a person. which is true. But in my heart I know that if I do that that I will just be leading him on again and that he and i will get at least emotionally involved and what is the point of that except for heartache? It is so stupid...but the brain is complex and sometimes I dont understand myself.
I believe that I am thinking this because of my current relationship status. It is reached a stalemate and I feel no passion for shannon anymore. I feel like I want the thrill of the chase...Someone to learn new things about, flirt with, and feel wanted. But in my head I know that this is a terrible idea. I need to rekindle my love with shannon, not go floozy around and get into trouble. It is all very stressful and i actually had a panic attack driving to work today because it stresses me out just thinking about it.
This is on top of the baby having the flu, working at a job that doesnt pay enough ($9/hr?!) and is 35 miles away, having shannon be jobless for the last 4 years, and trying to get into graduate school (which my chances are dismal and I know that and it pisses me off that I didnt get my shit together earlier and make better grades).
blegh. and that I have no one to talk to about this because I have virtually no friends and I obviously cant tell shannon about it because he still doesnt know that i slept with him.
yay.
My life really isnt so bad though. I mean i used to be severely depressed. At least there's that. And I dont technically have an eating disorder...and I dont self injure....
But that doesnt mean I dont want to. Because I do sometimes.
Well ok lets start at the beginning of all the drama...
Years ago...we'll say 4 years, since I frankly can't remember when it was I was involved in a short term affair with one of shannon's friends, Stephen. I didnt expect it...I invited him in the house one day when shannon was gone and he massaged my back and I let it go from there. I don't really know why, but i was at a weird part in my life and I had horribly low self esteem and couldnt say no to anyone, for fear they would hate me. I am pretty sure I was bulimic/anorexic/self mutilating at the time. Anyway so I slept with this guy on numerous occasions and he started to become attached and one time I was in his truck and he asked me how many children i wanted and how i wanted our wedding. This frankly scared the shit out of me and I realized that i was getting in too deep. I strung him along....just because I was afraid to hurt his feelings, but i knew I wanted to stay with shannon and that this was going nowhere.
So eventually...after a few months of leading him on, I stopped talking to him and seeing him.
He would drive by the house, and stalk me at school and work and it started to scare me a bit...But he never told shannon about me sleeping with him even though he could.
About 6 months or a year after this (again, my memory is complete shit) I talked to him one more time and told him that I was not going to be with him and that my place was with shannon. He accepted this and kinda went away for a few years.
I mean...he tried calling a few times..every so often and we would ignore it. He called about 6 months ago and shannon talked to him. I know he really calls to see if I will answer.
So a few days ago, he texts my phone and shannon sent him a text on his phone telling him to stop texting my number. He says ok and I end up getting to text stephen. I told him that I enjoyed the times we had, but that I cant have another affair with him...its just too stressful. He said he has been looking for Mrs Right, but that he cant find her and that he wishes I could be with him but that he knows its a pipe dream. I said yeah it is. I have a kid now and a relationship and a life and I cant do that shit. He said ok, but that I have a great heart,etc, etc.
Well since then, I have been thinking about him nonstop! UGH. I have contemplated many times calling him and telling him that I want to just be friends and learn about him as a person...since i didnt get to do that before and I am genuinely interested in him as a person. which is true. But in my heart I know that if I do that that I will just be leading him on again and that he and i will get at least emotionally involved and what is the point of that except for heartache? It is so stupid...but the brain is complex and sometimes I dont understand myself.
I believe that I am thinking this because of my current relationship status. It is reached a stalemate and I feel no passion for shannon anymore. I feel like I want the thrill of the chase...Someone to learn new things about, flirt with, and feel wanted. But in my head I know that this is a terrible idea. I need to rekindle my love with shannon, not go floozy around and get into trouble. It is all very stressful and i actually had a panic attack driving to work today because it stresses me out just thinking about it.
This is on top of the baby having the flu, working at a job that doesnt pay enough ($9/hr?!) and is 35 miles away, having shannon be jobless for the last 4 years, and trying to get into graduate school (which my chances are dismal and I know that and it pisses me off that I didnt get my shit together earlier and make better grades).
blegh. and that I have no one to talk to about this because I have virtually no friends and I obviously cant tell shannon about it because he still doesnt know that i slept with him.
yay.
My life really isnt so bad though. I mean i used to be severely depressed. At least there's that. And I dont technically have an eating disorder...and I dont self injure....
But that doesnt mean I dont want to. Because I do sometimes.