(no subject)
As many times as I wish I had something good to say in any of these entries, I never have ever had one good thing to say. Today was a little bit of depression, mixed with a little excitement and then some more pathetic depression. I need something to fix me. I need a miracle. Forgetting the stupid problems for today, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have this deep seated fear of the unknown. I have this unquenched thirst for something beyond me and my life, but no motivation. I have this need to be loved by someone else, when I cant even love myself. I look around at everything I dont have and it makes me want to cry. Happiness is a goldfish being flushed down the toilet of life. That would make it too easy. I want so much never to wake up again, never to be hurt again, never to put myself out there again. But with everyday that I DO wake up and I am not putting myself out there, I feel like I'm just wasting away my soul. I feel so greedy. My life is nothing too unbearable, but everyday I only think of myself. I need to find some motivation and get myself on the ball. I need a job and to go back to school. I need a make over. I need to go to the gym and lose some more weight. I need to start over. I need to find the love I've always been dreaming about. And most of I need to stop being so afraid. I need to suck up my pride and insecurities and meet people, make friends. I need to get out. I need to figure out my future. I need to forget my past. I NEED TO FORGET ADAM. I need to fall asleep thinking about something other than him, and wake up thinking something other than him. I need to be able to look in the mirror and be alright with myself without him by my side. I need to erase the entire memory of him. Or else I'll be drowning in this pity pool forever. Something tells me this isnt going to be so easy. Something inside me says I'm going to give up on everything and just let myself waste away. I want to find one thing outside of writing and music and always sitting happily hidden in my house, that makes me happy. I want a reason to get up and go to sleep. I want a reason to smile. I dont want to have to force it or fake it anymore. Just thinking about all of this leaves me shaking and exhausted. Holding back all these tears... it's difficult. All I ever do anymore is cry.
Today my mom got a letter from my father. Something that completely blew me away. He questions her ability to understand how much money he owes her and how he doesnt ever plan to pay it back. He, in less words, says that "someone who has a real job" wouldnt even make that much money in a year. The fact that he had the NERVE to write it and THEN SEND it, is beyond me. What a pathetic waste of flesh. What a discusting maggot. I hope, tonight, while he and his nasty little wife are FUCKING their little brains out, they both EXPLODE! He makes me sick. So sick, I dont even know how I'm related to the bastard. I cant believe he has the balls to do even half the stuff he does. He has lied through his teeth and manilpulated people and completely ruined (not only our lives) but the lives of friends and aquaintances as well. All because he cant get ENOUGH money. THe greedy fucking bastard should have one NIGHT on the streets in a cardborad box. Then he might appreciate what he has and what he's lost. I will NEVER ever in a million years, EVER, be allowed to look at him the same again. He is nothing to me. The nothing that I used to look up to and trust. God how nieve I was. How could I ever have trusted a man like him? And the scariest part of all of this is... my sister is the spitting image of him. Already a money hungry piranah just waiting to take off anyones hand. She thinks of no one but herself. And in the blink of an eye, she'd happily take the world down with her. She's only 17. How does it happen so quickly?
Miserable. Pathetic. Wasted.
Life isnt worth all the shit. Just handful after handful of shit until it's piled up nicely in to a beautifully sculpted house of shit...and then you wonder why it stinks so much. Like my analogy. Thanks. :)
Linds
Today my mom got a letter from my father. Something that completely blew me away. He questions her ability to understand how much money he owes her and how he doesnt ever plan to pay it back. He, in less words, says that "someone who has a real job" wouldnt even make that much money in a year. The fact that he had the NERVE to write it and THEN SEND it, is beyond me. What a pathetic waste of flesh. What a discusting maggot. I hope, tonight, while he and his nasty little wife are FUCKING their little brains out, they both EXPLODE! He makes me sick. So sick, I dont even know how I'm related to the bastard. I cant believe he has the balls to do even half the stuff he does. He has lied through his teeth and manilpulated people and completely ruined (not only our lives) but the lives of friends and aquaintances as well. All because he cant get ENOUGH money. THe greedy fucking bastard should have one NIGHT on the streets in a cardborad box. Then he might appreciate what he has and what he's lost. I will NEVER ever in a million years, EVER, be allowed to look at him the same again. He is nothing to me. The nothing that I used to look up to and trust. God how nieve I was. How could I ever have trusted a man like him? And the scariest part of all of this is... my sister is the spitting image of him. Already a money hungry piranah just waiting to take off anyones hand. She thinks of no one but herself. And in the blink of an eye, she'd happily take the world down with her. She's only 17. How does it happen so quickly?
Miserable. Pathetic. Wasted.
Life isnt worth all the shit. Just handful after handful of shit until it's piled up nicely in to a beautifully sculpted house of shit...and then you wonder why it stinks so much. Like my analogy. Thanks. :)
Linds