(no subject)
i'm not sure how i decided to write in this after two years of swearing it off. i think it's the spirit of the new year, the idea of a fresh start. one of the things i told myself i would try to do (but not resolve to do because i always fail at resolutions) is to feel. this probably sounds strange and i don't know if i can even explain it. i mean, of course i feel; i'm a living, breathing, human being. but truly, i can't remember the last time i genuinely felt something. it seems like all of my emotions are off in the distance, on the horizon, right beneath the surface, or at my fingertips but still out of reach. it's almost as if there's some sort of medium between them and me, something that filters their potency. i feel the pressure of weight, but it's never enough to sink in.
and what's worse is that the majority of these feelings are just anxiety, anger, frustration, and regret. i don't remember being this girl whose always so unhappy and discontent, especially when i know at the same time i have no reason to be any of these things. i know, i know, i know i am so incredibly lucky to be alive and loved, but at the same time, there's always this dark cloud hanging over me. and lately it's gotten to the point where it affects the people i care about most, the ones who are only trying to help. i pick constant fights and bicker, say terrible things i don't mean, and then selfishly expect them to forgive me at the drop of a hat for being absolutely horrible to them. i know i'm doing these things as i do them, but i just can't seem to stop myself. i don't care enough to, and i have no idea why.
but this year, i want to start again. i want, no i need, to try. i have a beautiful picture in my mind of my life and myself if i can only TRY. try to rise up out of this numbness, try to outrun this dark cloud, try to fight to be happy. because i have every reason to be. so many reasons to be. and one of the biggest reasons is my love, who has stood by and with me for so long despite how i treat him, who has shown me love unconditionally every day we've been together. he is my best friend, my family, and i wish i could show him how much i care about him, cherish him, love him. he has my whole heart, every bit of my soul, but i haven't been able to show that. he gives so much and i haven't given anything in return. i'm so afraid i'll lose him if i can't open up, if i can't try to be better. i just want to be better.
so from now on, i'm running towards brighter days. i will not forget that this life is all i have, how quickly it can change, how short it can be. i will remember the girl i am right now, but i will leave her behind. she will be a memory of what i used to be, of a dark time and place in my life. i will smile, i will be happy, i will love. i will try. i will be better. i will, i will, i will.
and what's worse is that the majority of these feelings are just anxiety, anger, frustration, and regret. i don't remember being this girl whose always so unhappy and discontent, especially when i know at the same time i have no reason to be any of these things. i know, i know, i know i am so incredibly lucky to be alive and loved, but at the same time, there's always this dark cloud hanging over me. and lately it's gotten to the point where it affects the people i care about most, the ones who are only trying to help. i pick constant fights and bicker, say terrible things i don't mean, and then selfishly expect them to forgive me at the drop of a hat for being absolutely horrible to them. i know i'm doing these things as i do them, but i just can't seem to stop myself. i don't care enough to, and i have no idea why.
but this year, i want to start again. i want, no i need, to try. i have a beautiful picture in my mind of my life and myself if i can only TRY. try to rise up out of this numbness, try to outrun this dark cloud, try to fight to be happy. because i have every reason to be. so many reasons to be. and one of the biggest reasons is my love, who has stood by and with me for so long despite how i treat him, who has shown me love unconditionally every day we've been together. he is my best friend, my family, and i wish i could show him how much i care about him, cherish him, love him. he has my whole heart, every bit of my soul, but i haven't been able to show that. he gives so much and i haven't given anything in return. i'm so afraid i'll lose him if i can't open up, if i can't try to be better. i just want to be better.
so from now on, i'm running towards brighter days. i will not forget that this life is all i have, how quickly it can change, how short it can be. i will remember the girl i am right now, but i will leave her behind. she will be a memory of what i used to be, of a dark time and place in my life. i will smile, i will be happy, i will love. i will try. i will be better. i will, i will, i will.