Any Comments?
JAMES
Hello…
SARA
Hello!
JAMES
You’ve reached the home of James and Sara Witt,
SARA
But we’re not here right now, so if you please,
JAMES
(thinking he’s funny) Leave your name, number, the time you called, your address, your favorite TV show, the last time you called us,
SARA
(to James, pleadingly) James…
JAMES
(continuing with unsuccessful humor) And what the heck you want with…
SARA
(interrupting James) We’ll call you back as soon as we can; thank you for calling…James, stop that! (laughing) James, you cut that out…Jaaa!
Answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Dude! Wanna go to the batting cages tonight? (burps) Oh, man…whew! I just love Mexican…anyway, you wannna head out to Fun-Place and hit a few? I need something to do. I’ll catch ya later. Peace!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
Hello? James? This is your mother. I’m calling to remind you to send some pictures of that beach trip you took with Sara-the one you told me about that you took last month. Can you mail them to me? Your father keeps asking where they are, and I don’t know how to check the computer, so just send them in the regular mail. Thanks, honey, and remember how much I love you! Sara too! Bye, honey…this is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Hey, lady, how are you? Listen, Michael has to work on Thursday, so I have the day free after all. So we can…oh, hey!-we can go get lunch, and then do ‘mannies’ and ‘peddies’-how’s that sound? I miss you. Love you! Bye!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
(almost yelling) Heeeey! Dude!-where the heck are you? C’mon, man, I’m bored, and there’s nothing on TV… (singing, weirdly) ‘There’s nothing on tee-vee, there’s nothing on tee-vee, so call meee!’ Don’t be gay-call me, bye!
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NATALIE
Oh, hey-I just remembered: I know James is off on Thursday, so if you don’t want to go out with me, I understand. But it’d be so much fun, and I haven’t seen you in forever! I miss you! Call me later.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
James? This is your mother again. Listen, honey, I don’t mean to pester you, but your father just woke up from a nap, and I told him I would call you again, since he wants to see those pictures. Actually, he told me to call you. I have no idea why he bothered to even buy a computer if he doesn’t know how to use it. The other night, he spent thirty minutes trying to turn the thing off, and I told him, I said, “Richard, just leave it alone and come watch TV!”-Yes, Richard, I’m talking to him right now…no, just the machine…what? I don’t know…I don’t know, but…just let me finish!-So anyway, your father keeps trying to find the ‘off’ button or something, and I have no idea if he even wants that computer anymore. Maybe we can give it to Robert? Does he need a computer? But call me, honey. I love you…this is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Hey. Listen…I really want to spend some time with you, so just forget my last message, okay? I mean, you’re married to the guy, after all, so he won’t mind will he? (laughing) Of course not! So just tell him you need a girl’s day out, and that you’ll make it up to him later that night, or something! (giggles) Call me! See you Thursday…please?!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Sigh…whatever, dude. I hate you. You’re gay.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
(Speaking off the phone, to Richard) Richard, I told you, he’s not home! Can you just let me ask him about the computer without you trying to take over my call with our son? Well then, you can just call him yourself, and ask him all the questions you want! (suddenly realizing she’s speaking to James’s machine) Oh, James! James? This is your mother again. Listen, honey, let me call you back. Your father’s nap must have put him in one of his moods. Tell Sara I said hello. Hi, Sara!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
(almost angrily) So you tell me you wanna hang out, and I come up with this kickin’ idea, and then you freakin’ ignore me. Dude!...where are you? Sigh… Dude, listen: I’ll give you five more minutes-five-and then I’m calling Michael to see if he wants to hang out. I swear, for a brother, you can be a not-so-good friend sometimes. Man, James, I’m bored, and I wanna go to the batting cages! Sigh…later.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
(a little confused) Hey, Sara? Apparently, Michael just got a phone call form Robert and they want to go do batting cages, or something, I don’t know, but hey - can I come over and hang out with you guys? You know I don’t like being here alone…I don’t see why Michael likes Robert so much…isn’t he supposed to be James’s friend? What’s up with that? I’ll try your cell-bye.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
(apologetically) Hey, listen-sigh-Michael just called me, and he wants to hang out, so…I told him we could. We may just go and get a bite to eat, or something, but I still wanna hang out, man. So call me, and maybe we’ll go do something later. Listen, James, I’m sorry, but I don’t know where the heck you are. Maybe you’re out with Sara. Call me. Later.
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NATALIE
Okay, so Michael just called me and said that James said something about Michael being immature, or something? He sounded upset, Sara, and I…sigh…why couldn’t James just talk one-on-one with Michael? He knows Robert is going to tell everybody, anyway! Listen, I’m not mad, but I want to talk to you about this, especially before Thursday. Please call me.
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ROBERT
Hey, man, Michael just got out of my car to go use the bathroom at the Quick-E-Mart, and he seems upset. He told me what you said. Once again, I have to step in and save you from making an idiot of yourself. Why’d you ever say that, dude? You know how he gets…I’ll call you later. Whatever…
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
James? Sara? Robert just came over here and had dessert, and then he said that he couldn’t find you? Are you okay? Where are you, honey? Your father isn’t worried, but you know him-nothing gets to him, not even that stupid, stupid computer-but call me as soon as you get a chance, so I know you’re okay. Are you two alright, eh? I love you both. This is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Well, Robert saved the day, thank God. Listen, can you or James just give us a call? We should talk, so we can still go out on Thursday! I really want to…
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Dude, I think it’s going to be okay. I told Michael that there’s no way you’d ever not want to be his friend, and he seemed okay. I think I convinced him. But you should call him, so he’s not pissed, and you guys can still hang out with him and Natalie later. They really love you. He tells me all the time. But I’ll call you later. Bye…
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
James, Sara…somebody! Please call me so I’m not worried. You know how I get when I don’t know where you or Robert are. I just can’t stop my worries about it.-I don’t know, Richard, but if you called them yourself, you’d know if they were dead or not.-Call me. This is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
JAMES
Sara, what’s the code to check our messages, again? Hey, Sara!
SARA
James, it’s our anniversary date! Why are you checking our messages?
JAMES
I forgot to tell Robert we were leaving, and I think I remember telling him we’d hang out…Hey, how do I do this?
The sound of footsteps can be heard over a phone’s speaker
SARA
…Let me see that. (phone to ear). Hello?
JAMES
(heard across the room) You know, this is the best idea we’ve had in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I had two freakin’ days without Robert-or Michael, for that matter-bothering me, wanting to hang out. I mean, why doesn’t Robert get married, or find a girlfriend? And is Natalie-I know she’s your friend and all-such a drag that Michael has to call me four times a week?
SARA
James…
JAMES
Va-ca-tion! I LOVE IT! C’mon, baby, let’s go have some steak!-I’m hungry!
SARA
(phone still to ear) Hello? … Hey, James, who’s getting our mail why we’re gone? And who’s feeding the cat?
JAMES
I asked Michael to do all that stuff for us: mail, cat, check the machine. He’s supposed to come by later tonight, or tomorrow, why?
There is an awkward silence
SARA
Jaaaaames!
The click of a phone can be heard. Sara has hung up, finally realizing they both
had their entire conversation on the message machine.
Hello…
SARA
Hello!
JAMES
You’ve reached the home of James and Sara Witt,
SARA
But we’re not here right now, so if you please,
JAMES
(thinking he’s funny) Leave your name, number, the time you called, your address, your favorite TV show, the last time you called us,
SARA
(to James, pleadingly) James…
JAMES
(continuing with unsuccessful humor) And what the heck you want with…
SARA
(interrupting James) We’ll call you back as soon as we can; thank you for calling…James, stop that! (laughing) James, you cut that out…Jaaa!
Answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Dude! Wanna go to the batting cages tonight? (burps) Oh, man…whew! I just love Mexican…anyway, you wannna head out to Fun-Place and hit a few? I need something to do. I’ll catch ya later. Peace!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
Hello? James? This is your mother. I’m calling to remind you to send some pictures of that beach trip you took with Sara-the one you told me about that you took last month. Can you mail them to me? Your father keeps asking where they are, and I don’t know how to check the computer, so just send them in the regular mail. Thanks, honey, and remember how much I love you! Sara too! Bye, honey…this is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Hey, lady, how are you? Listen, Michael has to work on Thursday, so I have the day free after all. So we can…oh, hey!-we can go get lunch, and then do ‘mannies’ and ‘peddies’-how’s that sound? I miss you. Love you! Bye!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
(almost yelling) Heeeey! Dude!-where the heck are you? C’mon, man, I’m bored, and there’s nothing on TV… (singing, weirdly) ‘There’s nothing on tee-vee, there’s nothing on tee-vee, so call meee!’ Don’t be gay-call me, bye!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Oh, hey-I just remembered: I know James is off on Thursday, so if you don’t want to go out with me, I understand. But it’d be so much fun, and I haven’t seen you in forever! I miss you! Call me later.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
James? This is your mother again. Listen, honey, I don’t mean to pester you, but your father just woke up from a nap, and I told him I would call you again, since he wants to see those pictures. Actually, he told me to call you. I have no idea why he bothered to even buy a computer if he doesn’t know how to use it. The other night, he spent thirty minutes trying to turn the thing off, and I told him, I said, “Richard, just leave it alone and come watch TV!”-Yes, Richard, I’m talking to him right now…no, just the machine…what? I don’t know…I don’t know, but…just let me finish!-So anyway, your father keeps trying to find the ‘off’ button or something, and I have no idea if he even wants that computer anymore. Maybe we can give it to Robert? Does he need a computer? But call me, honey. I love you…this is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Hey. Listen…I really want to spend some time with you, so just forget my last message, okay? I mean, you’re married to the guy, after all, so he won’t mind will he? (laughing) Of course not! So just tell him you need a girl’s day out, and that you’ll make it up to him later that night, or something! (giggles) Call me! See you Thursday…please?!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Sigh…whatever, dude. I hate you. You’re gay.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
(Speaking off the phone, to Richard) Richard, I told you, he’s not home! Can you just let me ask him about the computer without you trying to take over my call with our son? Well then, you can just call him yourself, and ask him all the questions you want! (suddenly realizing she’s speaking to James’s machine) Oh, James! James? This is your mother again. Listen, honey, let me call you back. Your father’s nap must have put him in one of his moods. Tell Sara I said hello. Hi, Sara!
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
(almost angrily) So you tell me you wanna hang out, and I come up with this kickin’ idea, and then you freakin’ ignore me. Dude!...where are you? Sigh… Dude, listen: I’ll give you five more minutes-five-and then I’m calling Michael to see if he wants to hang out. I swear, for a brother, you can be a not-so-good friend sometimes. Man, James, I’m bored, and I wanna go to the batting cages! Sigh…later.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
(a little confused) Hey, Sara? Apparently, Michael just got a phone call form Robert and they want to go do batting cages, or something, I don’t know, but hey - can I come over and hang out with you guys? You know I don’t like being here alone…I don’t see why Michael likes Robert so much…isn’t he supposed to be James’s friend? What’s up with that? I’ll try your cell-bye.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
(apologetically) Hey, listen-sigh-Michael just called me, and he wants to hang out, so…I told him we could. We may just go and get a bite to eat, or something, but I still wanna hang out, man. So call me, and maybe we’ll go do something later. Listen, James, I’m sorry, but I don’t know where the heck you are. Maybe you’re out with Sara. Call me. Later.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Okay, so Michael just called me and said that James said something about Michael being immature, or something? He sounded upset, Sara, and I…sigh…why couldn’t James just talk one-on-one with Michael? He knows Robert is going to tell everybody, anyway! Listen, I’m not mad, but I want to talk to you about this, especially before Thursday. Please call me.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Hey, man, Michael just got out of my car to go use the bathroom at the Quick-E-Mart, and he seems upset. He told me what you said. Once again, I have to step in and save you from making an idiot of yourself. Why’d you ever say that, dude? You know how he gets…I’ll call you later. Whatever…
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
James? Sara? Robert just came over here and had dessert, and then he said that he couldn’t find you? Are you okay? Where are you, honey? Your father isn’t worried, but you know him-nothing gets to him, not even that stupid, stupid computer-but call me as soon as you get a chance, so I know you’re okay. Are you two alright, eh? I love you both. This is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
NATALIE
Well, Robert saved the day, thank God. Listen, can you or James just give us a call? We should talk, so we can still go out on Thursday! I really want to…
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
ROBERT
Dude, I think it’s going to be okay. I told Michael that there’s no way you’d ever not want to be his friend, and he seemed okay. I think I convinced him. But you should call him, so he’s not pissed, and you guys can still hang out with him and Natalie later. They really love you. He tells me all the time. But I’ll call you later. Bye…
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
MOM
James, Sara…somebody! Please call me so I’m not worried. You know how I get when I don’t know where you or Robert are. I just can’t stop my worries about it.-I don’t know, Richard, but if you called them yourself, you’d know if they were dead or not.-Call me. This is your mother.
Repeat answering machine message - answering machine beeps
JAMES
Sara, what’s the code to check our messages, again? Hey, Sara!
SARA
James, it’s our anniversary date! Why are you checking our messages?
JAMES
I forgot to tell Robert we were leaving, and I think I remember telling him we’d hang out…Hey, how do I do this?
The sound of footsteps can be heard over a phone’s speaker
SARA
…Let me see that. (phone to ear). Hello?
JAMES
(heard across the room) You know, this is the best idea we’ve had in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I had two freakin’ days without Robert-or Michael, for that matter-bothering me, wanting to hang out. I mean, why doesn’t Robert get married, or find a girlfriend? And is Natalie-I know she’s your friend and all-such a drag that Michael has to call me four times a week?
SARA
James…
JAMES
Va-ca-tion! I LOVE IT! C’mon, baby, let’s go have some steak!-I’m hungry!
SARA
(phone still to ear) Hello? … Hey, James, who’s getting our mail why we’re gone? And who’s feeding the cat?
JAMES
I asked Michael to do all that stuff for us: mail, cat, check the machine. He’s supposed to come by later tonight, or tomorrow, why?
There is an awkward silence
SARA
Jaaaaames!
The click of a phone can be heard. Sara has hung up, finally realizing they both
had their entire conversation on the message machine.