Regret
I don't really experience regret. The closest thing I experience is wishing I'd had certain knowledge sooner than I did, but there are still things I don't know today that I wish I knew, so that's not quite a form of regret.
Whenever I try to go back in my memory and justify a choice I'd made, I can remember the circumstances that led to making that choice, and the feelings that compelled me toward that conclusion. Not only could I not have chosen differently, but given the chance to live through those moments again, sometimes I'm not sure I'd choose differently. Even if a different outcome might have been more desirable, that's point B, and getting there from point A is a trial all its own.
Anyway.
I think a lot about my having moved to Anyang and my having changed jobs, because they're arguably the biggest joint decision I've made since coming to Korea. (I mean, I made a lot of great decisions along the way, and some bad ones, but for better or worse, they didn't fundamentally change the course of my life.) (Well, I guess it's also hard to argue that changing jobs and cities fundamentally changed anything. They do feel different, though.)
Two things are simultaneously true: I'm not satisfied with these decisions, and I also think they were the right ones to make. I'm not unhappy with things, it just hasn't been the positive change I expected. That probably has a lot to do with my own mindset; an external change won't fix everything in your head. Things are certainly better, though, and they're on the right track. Just not quite there yet.
And it's always pretty clear to me that a series of events, many of which were unpleasant, were necessary to get me to this point. I mean, when a problem occurs, you naturally react to it and look for ways to solve it. Sometimes this leads to eliminating the problem and reestablishing the status quo, and sometimes this leads to overall growth. So for example, it was necessary for me to move into a horrible apartment in order to make the decision to move to Anyang. If I'd moved into a decent place, I might still be there, or I might have moved to another fairly decent place, but not quite as good. Again, I'm not satisfied with my current place, but it is better than the types of places I was looking at a year ago.
And yet I still lack the knowledge of the type of place I really want to be. I don't know where that is, or what it would cost. I'm also afraid that no matter how informed I am in my search, I would be unprepared for certain shortcomings. I never knew to ask about whether this complex disables air conditioning when the temperature dips under 21 degrees, because I didn't know that was a thing that happened anywhere. Interestingly, there is a problem in many of the apartments here (I assume the larger apartments, because it didn't happen to me) where the condensation that forms on the windows during the winter forms a pool of water on the sill, which in turn leads to the growth of mildew. Is this something the architects should have anticipated? I have no idea. If you contract an architect to build you a house, could it lead to a host of unforeseen problems of that kind? Are there expert architects and mediocre ones?
Anyway.
I guess this entry isn't about regrets so much as it's about knowledge, and the knowledge to make informed decisions, and what happens when you don't have that knowledge. I do think, on the whole, knowledge is the solution to all solutions, and a lack of knowledge is at the heart of all problems.