(no subject)
wow. youd be surprised how much can happen in a week's time. i feel lke im back at school with everything that has changed.
ive seen mike for about 3 hours total since that night. for like 2 hours at his house. the jay came over. then i saw him for like an hour at jay's house and tori was there. it was awkward but at the same time i was trying to play it off because it isnt worth letting things get shitty. i dont think anything will get better from this point. im pretty sure my shot was missed and im thinking its not going to be worth trying for anything at this point. i think i give up.
danny is home. finally. a day early. went to see him with phil. and adam came over too. good times. watched carolina win the cup. felt good for him to be home. i hugged him and didnt want to let go. ever. i just cant believe hes really here. i cant stop touching him when we're near each other because i feel like it isnt real. but he's still the dan that left july 14th 2004.
i had my trip planned for the past two weeks. i had the money. i had the car. i had the story. i had the directions. then i find out i have to babysit wednesday night. FUCK. and i cant say no because i need the money. i need it. BAD. especially since i spent my gas money on parking at the beach. ugh. i miss brian so much. its weird. ours was the healthiest relationship ive had since ryan. bar none. and we both understood that it was nothing more than "fuck buddies". but we have so much fun together despite that fact. its never weird, we never expect more from one another. we never worry about offending/hurting/disappointing. we hung out drunk, sober, clothed, naked. it was always a GREAT time. i just miss that. having some one to talk to a 2 minute walk away. i liked having someone to cram into that twin-sized, raised bed with at 3 am. i miss having someone who would always be awake at 2:30 in the morning and only a text message away.
i think in essence i miss having someone to hug. someone to cuddle with. just to have their arms around me for a few minutes. be standing outside, hanging with people, and being able to lean into someone and just know he's there to hold me up. or keep me warm. i just miss it. i hate to say it. but i miss ryan.