(no subject)
About 5 years ago i saw my favorite uncle crying in our kitchen in maine. he was telling his brother, my dad that him and my aunt, my godparents, were splitting up and it was his fault. i didnt get why just yet, but i wasnt guna push it, i just wanted him to stop crying. i talked to him about it later, and he told me that it was because of him drinking. that he was an alcoholic and had been sober since he got married, but had just started again and his wife wasnt handling it well. he made me promise i would always be responsible about drinking and keep myself in check, and if i needed help to get it. not to make the same mistake as him. i respected him for being able to tell me that and for being honest with me. after all, he was my role model. over the next few years, he only got worse. he got his liscense suspended for drunk driving twice. then on his suspended liscense he got in an accident, with a funeral procession, while he was drunk. i swore to myself that day that i would never become like him. he went to prison for this. i tell everyone how much i hate drunk driving. i was always the DD if it was needed. i volunteered. i figured i could make up for his mistakes by doing that for other people. i miss him and i still respect him for what he told me, but im disappointed that he didnt take his own advice. he just needed someone to be there for him and help him, but everyone turned their backs on him. my parents wouldnt and still wont let me see him. i wish someone would just listen to him, maybe that would make him realize, maybe it would help him see that he still has a chance to get help if he'd just admit it. its because of him that i have always been that kid in high school that doesnt get mad at people who drink, who drinks occasionally themself, but makes sure the bad shit doesnt happen if at all possible.
i have a problem. i major problem. i need to stop.
this is my official admission that i have a problem with drinking. i wonder where that kid who always took care of the drunks went, i think i left her in merrimack. i drink to get away from my problems. i do the one thing i said i would never do. i do the one thing that i have been afraid of doing since day one. i know that i am completely at fault for everything lately. but i need help. not with everything else. but with this problem. i feel like i have gotten myself into a position where i am getting everyone around me to hate me and not want to be near me. i understand that. i understand that people dont want to be near people like me. i dont want to be near me. like i said, im the person i hate the most. ive become just like the one guy that i love and hate at the same time. the one man who was there for me all my life and turned around and became my reason for hating drunks. but yet i do it anyways. i have become him. not on his level but damn close to it. i never thought my drinking would be a problem. i was always the responsible one in high school. i took care of everyone around me. i was always there for the boys when they needed someone to keep them in check. i worried more about them and didnt want to drink. i dont know what happened. but i have an idea. i realized that i have alot going on in my head and instead of being smart and getting help, i thought i was helping myself by drowning my probs in that bottle. it wasnt just this past weekend. its been this way since i got here. everybody has been homesick. everybody has had shit going on in their lives and at home. but not me. thats because i just drink it away. but this was the first time i couldnt make it through the weekend with out it. everything has gotten more intesne. this past weekend is proof that i cant handle it. it just goes to show that i have let myself go. farther than i ever thought i would. farther than anyone should ever go. i have taken down myself. my team. my friends. everyone who i have cared about has been affected and i know that now and im taking responsibilty. i just hope that i dont completely get myself written off. i really am a good person, i just have made a lot of mistakes lately and hopefully people will see that good side of me again.
i have a problem. i major problem. i need to stop.
this is my official admission that i have a problem with drinking. i wonder where that kid who always took care of the drunks went, i think i left her in merrimack. i drink to get away from my problems. i do the one thing i said i would never do. i do the one thing that i have been afraid of doing since day one. i know that i am completely at fault for everything lately. but i need help. not with everything else. but with this problem. i feel like i have gotten myself into a position where i am getting everyone around me to hate me and not want to be near me. i understand that. i understand that people dont want to be near people like me. i dont want to be near me. like i said, im the person i hate the most. ive become just like the one guy that i love and hate at the same time. the one man who was there for me all my life and turned around and became my reason for hating drunks. but yet i do it anyways. i have become him. not on his level but damn close to it. i never thought my drinking would be a problem. i was always the responsible one in high school. i took care of everyone around me. i was always there for the boys when they needed someone to keep them in check. i worried more about them and didnt want to drink. i dont know what happened. but i have an idea. i realized that i have alot going on in my head and instead of being smart and getting help, i thought i was helping myself by drowning my probs in that bottle. it wasnt just this past weekend. its been this way since i got here. everybody has been homesick. everybody has had shit going on in their lives and at home. but not me. thats because i just drink it away. but this was the first time i couldnt make it through the weekend with out it. everything has gotten more intesne. this past weekend is proof that i cant handle it. it just goes to show that i have let myself go. farther than i ever thought i would. farther than anyone should ever go. i have taken down myself. my team. my friends. everyone who i have cared about has been affected and i know that now and im taking responsibilty. i just hope that i dont completely get myself written off. i really am a good person, i just have made a lot of mistakes lately and hopefully people will see that good side of me again.