Fic: Harry Potter and the New Edition
Title: Harry Potter and the New Edition
Author: minnow_53
Characters: Ensemble
Rating: PG-13/12A
Summary: Book canon is modified by movie canon when a few new scenes are inserted into Half Blood Prince.
AN: Original text by JKR is in italics. All page references are from the UK hardback edition.
Harry Potter and the New Edition
1. (HPB, p. 56)
Harry did not quite dare look at the Dursleys. ‘I am, you know, allowed out from time to time,’ he mumbled. ‘It gets very boring sitting in my room all evening, thinking about my birthday. I’m sure I won’t die if I skulk around town for a few hours. ‘
‘Sounds like a good idea,’ Dudley said, unexpectedly. ‘You could come out with me and Piers. Have a bevy and a fag. It’d be a laugh.’
Harry contemplated an evening in a smoky pub, at the mercy of Dudley’s volatile gang. ‘No thank you,’ he said coolly. ‘I’d rather be surrounded by Dementors and undergo the Crucio curse.’
Uncle Vernon pointedly switched on the television. ‘That’s enough of that,’ he said. ‘We don’t want to hear your endless complaining!’
‘Oh, Vernon!’ Petunia cried. ‘Look, it’s my favourite film, Brief Encounter. You’d love it, Dudders! It’s about a couple who meet in a station buffet.’
But Dudley was already slamming the front door.
‘That must be pretty ancient,’ Harry said. ‘Station buffets went out with the Ark, didn’t they?’
‘It is an old film,’ Petunia said absent-mindedly. ‘But there’s still a buffet at Little Whingeing. The girl who works there is quite pretty, and I’ve heard that her mother doesn’t worry too much if she gets home late.’ She turned back to the screen, and exclaimed, ‘Oh, look at that tea urn, Vernon!’
Five minutes later, Harry was already halfway to the station. Afterwards, he did wonder briefly if he should be reading a copy of the Daily Prophet in front of Muggles, but his lust-soaked senses soon put conscience to sleep...
2. (HBP, p. 141.)
The afternoon wore on with more anecdotes about illustrious wizards Slughorn had taught, as dish after dish of food appeared on the table. When the main course had been cleared away, the guests, except Belby, stared in horror at the giant puddings that the house-elves had just bestowed in front of them.
‘Tuck in, children!’ beamed Professor Slughorn.
Harry couldn’t help noticing that the Professor had gone from slightly portly to slightly less portly. ‘I’m surprised he doesn’t get enormously fat with meals like this,’ he thought.
As if reading Harry’s mind, Slughorn turned to him and gave a deprecating smile. ‘I call it the Horace Slughorn Profiterole Diet,’ he explained. ‘I should really commission one of my Slug Club to turn that into a book! These are magic profiteroles, dear boy. The more you eat, the thinner you get.’
Harry noticed Hermione suddenly shovelling in great spoonfuls of her desert...
3. (HBP, p. 182.)
Hermione’s face became stonier with every word he uttered. ‘It’s not exactly ‘molten gold’, is it?’ She examined the tiny vial of Felix Felicis suspiciously.
Indeed, the liquid was inert, and utterly colourless. It might as well have been water. In fact, Harry was now convinced it was water, stupid, plain water that was only valuable when you lived somewhere hot or had just been poisoned.
‘What a horrible waste!’ Harry said fiercely. ‘What a horrible waste of time and resources! The memories have special effects, and the Death Eaters have special effects, so why doesn't my potion have special effects?’
Dumbledore appeared from nowhere, eyes twinkling but without his half-moon spectacles. ‘Well may you ask, Harry!' he said. ‘For the same reason we’re missing the ‘emerald liquid’ of the potion in the cave, I suppose. Sheer perversity!’
‘A drop of yellow food-colouring would have done it,’ grumbled Harry. ‘I bet it's not even lucky any more...’
4. (HBP, p. 212.)
Harry had deliberately left the trial of the Keepers until last. He was glad he had done so, because he wouldn’t have liked any Seventh Years to see the two potential candidates swaggering so lewdly.
‘Mine’s bigger than yours!’ McLaggen sneered at Ron, holding his broomstick proudly erect.
‘No, mine’s bigger!’ said Ron. ‘Look. Look at that, mate! They don’t call it a Cleansweep Eleven for nothing! Eleven! Get it, McLaggen? ’
‘Perhaps Hermione can decide,’ McLaggen said smoothly, though Harry noticed his hands were shaking a bit on his broom-handle. He glided down to the stands and landed beside her. ‘How would you like a threesome, my dear? We’d soon settle the argument then!’
Hermione gave him a look of such disgust that Harry was afraid she was actually going to jinx him. But Lavender smiled sweetly and chirped, ‘Oh, good, a threesome! May I come too?’
5. (HBP, p. 321.)
Harry walked across the yard, then started to scurry, propelled by Bellatrix’s mad laughter. The peaceful Christmas was shattered.
When wizards moved house, they literally moved house, he realised once again, dodging Death Eaters across the wheat field where The Burrow now stood. As the hexes whizzed past him, he reflected that he missed the old garden, gnomes and all.
For a moment, he felt as if he could almost see the scene from outside: him, Ginny, Lupin, Tonks and random Weasleys posed in the middle of a marsh, their wands held high, like a still from an action movie. Unfortunately, they weren’t fighting back very effectively: the Death Eaters had cast a ring of fire around them.
‘Perhaps,’ Harry thought inconsequentially, ‘this is how crop circles are formed.’
The Burrow suddenly exploded, and burst into flame.
‘Hang on!’ Harry shouted. ‘The Burrow’s burning down! Where are the Weasleys going to live? Where are Bill and Fleur going to get married? What happened to Celestina Warbeck, damn it?’
‘Calm down, Harry,’ Lupin said through gritted teeth. ‘I’m the only one allowed to have a hissy-fit round here. So shut it!’
‘Oh, sod off on your bloody cycle!’ Harry muttered under his breath.
‘Who are Bill and Fleur?’ Molly asked. ‘Should we know them?’
6. (HBP, p. 429.)
Harry tried every variation of ‘I need to see what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you’, until suddenly the door of the Room of Requirement swung open. Harry, invisible under his cloak, realised that Draco was holding the starling that had flown out at him and Ginny earlier. He watched as Draco carefully put it into an old, rusty birdcage. The jumble in the room seemed worse than ever.
Crabbe gabbled, ‘I found it, Draco! I saved its life.’
‘Really?’ Draco drawled, but Harry could see the excitement on his face. ‘You know,’ he said, as if to himself, ‘I sent two birds through the vanishing cabinet. One is alive and one is dead. One survived and one expired. One came back all limp and floppy; the other was chirping and flapping its wings.’
‘Get on with it,’ Harry muttered, fingering his wand. He was rather sorry that Malfoy wouldn’t hear him.
Draco leaned forward and stared intently at Crabbe and Goyle. ‘Hmm,’ he mused, ‘there could be a scientific breakthrough here. I wonder what would happen if I sent two birds to opposite ends of the universe? I must try it some time! In fact, I shall renounce the Death Eaters, and become a physicist. This new theory could be called Malfoy’s Fledglings.
‘Actually,’ he continued, ‘it might be interesting to seal just one bird in the cabinet, so nobody could open it, and you’d never find out whether it was dead or alive. A big bird would be good. A phoenix, or something like that.’*
Harry rolled his eyes, but Crabbe and Goyle looked blanker than ever...
*Draco Malfoy was subsequently sued by Muggle John Gribbin, who claimed that the theories had been stolen from his books Schrödinger’s Cat and Schrödinger’s Kittens. Draco countersued when one of Schrödinger’s kittens ate both his fledglings. The case continues.
End
Author: minnow_53
Characters: Ensemble
Rating: PG-13/12A
Summary: Book canon is modified by movie canon when a few new scenes are inserted into Half Blood Prince.
AN: Original text by JKR is in italics. All page references are from the UK hardback edition.
Harry Potter and the New Edition
1. (HPB, p. 56)
Harry did not quite dare look at the Dursleys. ‘I am, you know, allowed out from time to time,’ he mumbled. ‘It gets very boring sitting in my room all evening, thinking about my birthday. I’m sure I won’t die if I skulk around town for a few hours. ‘
‘Sounds like a good idea,’ Dudley said, unexpectedly. ‘You could come out with me and Piers. Have a bevy and a fag. It’d be a laugh.’
Harry contemplated an evening in a smoky pub, at the mercy of Dudley’s volatile gang. ‘No thank you,’ he said coolly. ‘I’d rather be surrounded by Dementors and undergo the Crucio curse.’
Uncle Vernon pointedly switched on the television. ‘That’s enough of that,’ he said. ‘We don’t want to hear your endless complaining!’
‘Oh, Vernon!’ Petunia cried. ‘Look, it’s my favourite film, Brief Encounter. You’d love it, Dudders! It’s about a couple who meet in a station buffet.’
But Dudley was already slamming the front door.
‘That must be pretty ancient,’ Harry said. ‘Station buffets went out with the Ark, didn’t they?’
‘It is an old film,’ Petunia said absent-mindedly. ‘But there’s still a buffet at Little Whingeing. The girl who works there is quite pretty, and I’ve heard that her mother doesn’t worry too much if she gets home late.’ She turned back to the screen, and exclaimed, ‘Oh, look at that tea urn, Vernon!’
Five minutes later, Harry was already halfway to the station. Afterwards, he did wonder briefly if he should be reading a copy of the Daily Prophet in front of Muggles, but his lust-soaked senses soon put conscience to sleep...
2. (HBP, p. 141.)
The afternoon wore on with more anecdotes about illustrious wizards Slughorn had taught, as dish after dish of food appeared on the table. When the main course had been cleared away, the guests, except Belby, stared in horror at the giant puddings that the house-elves had just bestowed in front of them.
‘Tuck in, children!’ beamed Professor Slughorn.
Harry couldn’t help noticing that the Professor had gone from slightly portly to slightly less portly. ‘I’m surprised he doesn’t get enormously fat with meals like this,’ he thought.
As if reading Harry’s mind, Slughorn turned to him and gave a deprecating smile. ‘I call it the Horace Slughorn Profiterole Diet,’ he explained. ‘I should really commission one of my Slug Club to turn that into a book! These are magic profiteroles, dear boy. The more you eat, the thinner you get.’
Harry noticed Hermione suddenly shovelling in great spoonfuls of her desert...
3. (HBP, p. 182.)
Hermione’s face became stonier with every word he uttered. ‘It’s not exactly ‘molten gold’, is it?’ She examined the tiny vial of Felix Felicis suspiciously.
Indeed, the liquid was inert, and utterly colourless. It might as well have been water. In fact, Harry was now convinced it was water, stupid, plain water that was only valuable when you lived somewhere hot or had just been poisoned.
‘What a horrible waste!’ Harry said fiercely. ‘What a horrible waste of time and resources! The memories have special effects, and the Death Eaters have special effects, so why doesn't my potion have special effects?’
Dumbledore appeared from nowhere, eyes twinkling but without his half-moon spectacles. ‘Well may you ask, Harry!' he said. ‘For the same reason we’re missing the ‘emerald liquid’ of the potion in the cave, I suppose. Sheer perversity!’
‘A drop of yellow food-colouring would have done it,’ grumbled Harry. ‘I bet it's not even lucky any more...’
4. (HBP, p. 212.)
Harry had deliberately left the trial of the Keepers until last. He was glad he had done so, because he wouldn’t have liked any Seventh Years to see the two potential candidates swaggering so lewdly.
‘Mine’s bigger than yours!’ McLaggen sneered at Ron, holding his broomstick proudly erect.
‘No, mine’s bigger!’ said Ron. ‘Look. Look at that, mate! They don’t call it a Cleansweep Eleven for nothing! Eleven! Get it, McLaggen? ’
‘Perhaps Hermione can decide,’ McLaggen said smoothly, though Harry noticed his hands were shaking a bit on his broom-handle. He glided down to the stands and landed beside her. ‘How would you like a threesome, my dear? We’d soon settle the argument then!’
Hermione gave him a look of such disgust that Harry was afraid she was actually going to jinx him. But Lavender smiled sweetly and chirped, ‘Oh, good, a threesome! May I come too?’
5. (HBP, p. 321.)
Harry walked across the yard, then started to scurry, propelled by Bellatrix’s mad laughter. The peaceful Christmas was shattered.
When wizards moved house, they literally moved house, he realised once again, dodging Death Eaters across the wheat field where The Burrow now stood. As the hexes whizzed past him, he reflected that he missed the old garden, gnomes and all.
For a moment, he felt as if he could almost see the scene from outside: him, Ginny, Lupin, Tonks and random Weasleys posed in the middle of a marsh, their wands held high, like a still from an action movie. Unfortunately, they weren’t fighting back very effectively: the Death Eaters had cast a ring of fire around them.
‘Perhaps,’ Harry thought inconsequentially, ‘this is how crop circles are formed.’
The Burrow suddenly exploded, and burst into flame.
‘Hang on!’ Harry shouted. ‘The Burrow’s burning down! Where are the Weasleys going to live? Where are Bill and Fleur going to get married? What happened to Celestina Warbeck, damn it?’
‘Calm down, Harry,’ Lupin said through gritted teeth. ‘I’m the only one allowed to have a hissy-fit round here. So shut it!’
‘Oh, sod off on your bloody cycle!’ Harry muttered under his breath.
‘Who are Bill and Fleur?’ Molly asked. ‘Should we know them?’
6. (HBP, p. 429.)
Harry tried every variation of ‘I need to see what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you’, until suddenly the door of the Room of Requirement swung open. Harry, invisible under his cloak, realised that Draco was holding the starling that had flown out at him and Ginny earlier. He watched as Draco carefully put it into an old, rusty birdcage. The jumble in the room seemed worse than ever.
Crabbe gabbled, ‘I found it, Draco! I saved its life.’
‘Really?’ Draco drawled, but Harry could see the excitement on his face. ‘You know,’ he said, as if to himself, ‘I sent two birds through the vanishing cabinet. One is alive and one is dead. One survived and one expired. One came back all limp and floppy; the other was chirping and flapping its wings.’
‘Get on with it,’ Harry muttered, fingering his wand. He was rather sorry that Malfoy wouldn’t hear him.
Draco leaned forward and stared intently at Crabbe and Goyle. ‘Hmm,’ he mused, ‘there could be a scientific breakthrough here. I wonder what would happen if I sent two birds to opposite ends of the universe? I must try it some time! In fact, I shall renounce the Death Eaters, and become a physicist. This new theory could be called Malfoy’s Fledglings.
‘Actually,’ he continued, ‘it might be interesting to seal just one bird in the cabinet, so nobody could open it, and you’d never find out whether it was dead or alive. A big bird would be good. A phoenix, or something like that.’*
Harry rolled his eyes, but Crabbe and Goyle looked blanker than ever...
*Draco Malfoy was subsequently sued by Muggle John Gribbin, who claimed that the theories had been stolen from his books Schrödinger’s Cat and Schrödinger’s Kittens. Draco countersued when one of Schrödinger’s kittens ate both his fledglings. The case continues.
End