Lo Siento!
Okay, this has not been done for the longest time but I am so confused about life and it's because I haven't updated this thing. Even when I write in my journal things don't seem clear. Where have you been all my life LJ? First I would like to start off with what I just read in Jaun's journal. If you don't know Juan is..........I don't know our relationship exactly, dating? Well I'm going to post up here what I just read.......because I can!
Monday, March 21, 2005
So I met someone really nice. We are really attracted to each other.
So why do I keep making myself miserable over it? Why can't I just enjoy the mutual attraction. Why do I have to keep tormenting myself that it won't work when so far all the signs point towards the good?
I keep second-guessing myself. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't enjoy this situation because I have had such bad luck with matters of the heart before.
I tell myself to remain in a state of imbalance because it feels familiar. I'm always on the look out for happiness. Now that I have it I feel so scared and frightened that I'm gonna lose it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Doubt is a very controlling emotion.
Doubt is a luxury I no longer want. I want to be sure of things. I want to grab life by the cojones. I no longer want to remain cut off from confidence.
Why is it so easy for the mind to prefer imbalance over balance???
Real security can only come from within, or so I've read.
Less then 3 weeks left to find out if overseas study is a go. And of course my heart is also weary.
Life can be such a high.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I've met someone who wants a relationship just like I do.
But that's all we've established so far, that we want the same thing. We want something fulfilling and we believe we can provide it for one another.
I won't rush this relationship at all. I want to savor every moment, the way I savor our kisses.
The chemistry is undeniable.
How sweet it is to find what I was looking for.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Things are good.
My relationship is blossoming. It's exciting to wake up knowing there is someone there for me. I don't feel empty like before.
A few weeks ago when we were holding each other I got a swirl of emotions flowing through me and tears just came. I was........... dare I say it.........happy. For the first time I feel scars are healing.
Getting all teary eyed right now. Okay breathe Juan breathe.
Oh!!!! Next week I find out the results for Overseas Study. I can't believe how important this has become for me.
mon petit ami, tout le jour je pense a vous!!!!!!
By the way that means "My love, everyday I think of you" but he should have said "Je te pense" not that I want to be critical or anything. So I don't know about this whole thing. I like spending time with him and we've got them lovin sparks but I don't know. I'm not planning to be here for most of the summer (I'll discuss later) and he's going to France in August. So yeah, he might just be someone I hump with. Jesus Christ that is horrible but last night we got naked and we were about 2.7 milliseconds from my penis venturing into unchartered territory. I'll think about this and let everyone know what the crap is going on. As a side note maybe it's a bad sign that I'm on hotornot right now.
School is going well but I'm not taking very many difficult classes. French is going well and I'm actually making an effort because it came to my attn that that is one of my majors. Theater is insanely boring because as usual the class is full of idiots. Band is fun and we actually just got back from a festival in Fresno. We really showed up the other bands there and I was sitting next to the judges table while our Wind Ensemble played hearing nothing but good things from them. I don't want to let the cat out of the mochila but I've got an unnamed source that says CSULA may be attending some national festivals next year and we're also qualifying for some int'l ones in Europe. But I'm not discussing anything further.
I just interrupted this update and talked to Juan for 1hr and 9min
Anyway I had an interview for a month long theater workshop in the boonies of northern CA and it went really well and I'm supposed to get a reply tomorrow or Tuesday. I can't go unless I get a scholarship though because it costs $2,500. That is mucho dinero. Also as I update this I am trying to coordinate spending a summer in France possibly this summer. Because I just need to leave the country.
I think that's pretty much all that's going on in my life but I'm really going to start updating this again because this just feels good to get things down on paper........or the internet. A lot has happened since the months and months that I didn't update like my trip to China and Danny coming out to LA and my new fiance Claudia but there are not enough hours in the day for me to type about all of it. So I promise to get back into the groove of doing this for my own edification and hopefully I will have a coherent record of the mess and fabulousness that is my life.
Bon soir et vive ta vie comme une vedette. Parce que I do. <-------English? Je ne sais pas!
Monday, March 21, 2005
So I met someone really nice. We are really attracted to each other.
So why do I keep making myself miserable over it? Why can't I just enjoy the mutual attraction. Why do I have to keep tormenting myself that it won't work when so far all the signs point towards the good?
I keep second-guessing myself. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't enjoy this situation because I have had such bad luck with matters of the heart before.
I tell myself to remain in a state of imbalance because it feels familiar. I'm always on the look out for happiness. Now that I have it I feel so scared and frightened that I'm gonna lose it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Doubt is a very controlling emotion.
Doubt is a luxury I no longer want. I want to be sure of things. I want to grab life by the cojones. I no longer want to remain cut off from confidence.
Why is it so easy for the mind to prefer imbalance over balance???
Real security can only come from within, or so I've read.
Less then 3 weeks left to find out if overseas study is a go. And of course my heart is also weary.
Life can be such a high.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I've met someone who wants a relationship just like I do.
But that's all we've established so far, that we want the same thing. We want something fulfilling and we believe we can provide it for one another.
I won't rush this relationship at all. I want to savor every moment, the way I savor our kisses.
The chemistry is undeniable.
How sweet it is to find what I was looking for.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Things are good.
My relationship is blossoming. It's exciting to wake up knowing there is someone there for me. I don't feel empty like before.
A few weeks ago when we were holding each other I got a swirl of emotions flowing through me and tears just came. I was........... dare I say it.........happy. For the first time I feel scars are healing.
Getting all teary eyed right now. Okay breathe Juan breathe.
Oh!!!! Next week I find out the results for Overseas Study. I can't believe how important this has become for me.
mon petit ami, tout le jour je pense a vous!!!!!!
By the way that means "My love, everyday I think of you" but he should have said "Je te pense" not that I want to be critical or anything. So I don't know about this whole thing. I like spending time with him and we've got them lovin sparks but I don't know. I'm not planning to be here for most of the summer (I'll discuss later) and he's going to France in August. So yeah, he might just be someone I hump with. Jesus Christ that is horrible but last night we got naked and we were about 2.7 milliseconds from my penis venturing into unchartered territory. I'll think about this and let everyone know what the crap is going on. As a side note maybe it's a bad sign that I'm on hotornot right now.
School is going well but I'm not taking very many difficult classes. French is going well and I'm actually making an effort because it came to my attn that that is one of my majors. Theater is insanely boring because as usual the class is full of idiots. Band is fun and we actually just got back from a festival in Fresno. We really showed up the other bands there and I was sitting next to the judges table while our Wind Ensemble played hearing nothing but good things from them. I don't want to let the cat out of the mochila but I've got an unnamed source that says CSULA may be attending some national festivals next year and we're also qualifying for some int'l ones in Europe. But I'm not discussing anything further.
I just interrupted this update and talked to Juan for 1hr and 9min
Anyway I had an interview for a month long theater workshop in the boonies of northern CA and it went really well and I'm supposed to get a reply tomorrow or Tuesday. I can't go unless I get a scholarship though because it costs $2,500. That is mucho dinero. Also as I update this I am trying to coordinate spending a summer in France possibly this summer. Because I just need to leave the country.
I think that's pretty much all that's going on in my life but I'm really going to start updating this again because this just feels good to get things down on paper........or the internet. A lot has happened since the months and months that I didn't update like my trip to China and Danny coming out to LA and my new fiance Claudia but there are not enough hours in the day for me to type about all of it. So I promise to get back into the groove of doing this for my own edification and hopefully I will have a coherent record of the mess and fabulousness that is my life.
Bon soir et vive ta vie comme une vedette. Parce que I do. <-------English? Je ne sais pas!