interesting... maybe this shit works...
Soooo... Some of you may have read my past entry, if not, no loss. Anyway, after I wrote that, I had therapy like, the next day or two days later, talked about it... then wrote a note to S with a list of "once and for alls." Just a bunch of questions I have had or whatever, but anytime I try to ask, we get sidetracked, so everything was out, asked, and answered, and I haven't had a second twinge about any of it. SO either therapy, LJ or just getting answers to everything I wanted have helped. In anycase, I have marked that last entry private, as it deserves to be. So at least in the boyfriend aspect of my life, things are great, once again.
However, School... ugh! After mucho more tears, and another guilt trip email from my father, and more financial hard ships... still have NO idea what I want to do. I talked to my friend Savanah today... this girl is my hero hardcore. She and I came into social work together, and promptly quit at the end of the semester together too. Actually, she didn't even make it to the end of the semester... she did it half way and switched to special student or something. Anyhoo, we always joked it was because we were the only two republicans and social work didn't appreciate us... lol. But anyway, I talked to her and told her everything that was going on and once again, she didn't disapoint. She totally understandes EVERYTHING I had to say, honestly she would have made a fantastic socialworker... She was saying that she finally realized that she wasn't in school for her, she was in school for her family, because it's what she always was told she was gonna do (yep, understand that) and she said how hard it was to finally drop because she's never quit at anything in her life (yep, understand that too...) and even harder because people thought she couldn't do it... but that it was because she didnt WANT to do it and that's why her heart wasn't in it (sounds familiar) and that it was really terrible because not only had she never quit something before, she had never failed anything before and that's what this all felt like, a big giant failure (I SOOOO understand). SO u can see why she's my hero. She also said that even though she's happier now than she ever was, it wasn't some big "ahhhh, finally i'm achieving my dream.." It hurt, it sucked, it was a pain in the ass, but ultimately, all she wants to do is sign, so she's got a full time benifited job at Gally and signs all day. Is it where she wants to be forever? no, but it's a foot in the door unitl she can get her interpreting certification... THe other issue for her was during all of this trasnsition, she was planning her wedding too. this was another issue for the family... they became less supportive of the wedding and actually didn't talk to her for awhile because they thought she was using the wedding as an excuse to take the heat off of her dropping out of school... but I know for a fact that couldn't be further from the truth... when I met Sterling, she was the ONLY one who knew or understood how I felt about him... I was telling her today, damn near one year later, I still have "boyfriend moments" that I'll just start grinning or whatever just cause I'm thinkig about him.. I still love the man more now than I ever though possible... she just laughed and said,
"ya, after a year of being married, I still have "boyfriend moments" too... that's how you just know it's for real." argh!!!! All of the talking to her should have made everthing better but now i'm even more confused... I had just decided that I was gonna stick out another semester and she was like, uh, why the hell would you? Ur miserable, u don't want to be there, ur putting urself further into debt each time you step foot into a class, so why? U just need to do it, just say, no it's not what I want and it's gonna be tough, but U just gotta let go... so now I have all of that new information to work through...
To be continued...
However, School... ugh! After mucho more tears, and another guilt trip email from my father, and more financial hard ships... still have NO idea what I want to do. I talked to my friend Savanah today... this girl is my hero hardcore. She and I came into social work together, and promptly quit at the end of the semester together too. Actually, she didn't even make it to the end of the semester... she did it half way and switched to special student or something. Anyhoo, we always joked it was because we were the only two republicans and social work didn't appreciate us... lol. But anyway, I talked to her and told her everything that was going on and once again, she didn't disapoint. She totally understandes EVERYTHING I had to say, honestly she would have made a fantastic socialworker... She was saying that she finally realized that she wasn't in school for her, she was in school for her family, because it's what she always was told she was gonna do (yep, understand that) and she said how hard it was to finally drop because she's never quit at anything in her life (yep, understand that too...) and even harder because people thought she couldn't do it... but that it was because she didnt WANT to do it and that's why her heart wasn't in it (sounds familiar) and that it was really terrible because not only had she never quit something before, she had never failed anything before and that's what this all felt like, a big giant failure (I SOOOO understand). SO u can see why she's my hero. She also said that even though she's happier now than she ever was, it wasn't some big "ahhhh, finally i'm achieving my dream.." It hurt, it sucked, it was a pain in the ass, but ultimately, all she wants to do is sign, so she's got a full time benifited job at Gally and signs all day. Is it where she wants to be forever? no, but it's a foot in the door unitl she can get her interpreting certification... THe other issue for her was during all of this trasnsition, she was planning her wedding too. this was another issue for the family... they became less supportive of the wedding and actually didn't talk to her for awhile because they thought she was using the wedding as an excuse to take the heat off of her dropping out of school... but I know for a fact that couldn't be further from the truth... when I met Sterling, she was the ONLY one who knew or understood how I felt about him... I was telling her today, damn near one year later, I still have "boyfriend moments" that I'll just start grinning or whatever just cause I'm thinkig about him.. I still love the man more now than I ever though possible... she just laughed and said,
"ya, after a year of being married, I still have "boyfriend moments" too... that's how you just know it's for real." argh!!!! All of the talking to her should have made everthing better but now i'm even more confused... I had just decided that I was gonna stick out another semester and she was like, uh, why the hell would you? Ur miserable, u don't want to be there, ur putting urself further into debt each time you step foot into a class, so why? U just need to do it, just say, no it's not what I want and it's gonna be tough, but U just gotta let go... so now I have all of that new information to work through...
To be continued...