almost March
i really did always feel in the few years before i turned fifteen this indescribable, reasurring warning-like feeling that it was going to happen. it concludes the longest year of my life because of the single-solid days i've counted one after another. so it does make some sense that it happend now. i will never again be able to focus on smaller things like how i look or how someone else might perceive me due to the recent changes, i'm almost totally introverted.
i try very hard to do the things most people can snap their fingers at. and i also understand i'm not completely alone in that group. although, it frustrates me entirely to think of you all who can get up when the clock tells you to dress yourself- without any intrusive thought at all.
i spent the weekend alone in this house. maria packed up the load and took off friday evening. she doesn't want to be around my dad.
only, my dad never came. something with his intestines again, they admitted him friday night. i don't know if he'll be okay.. he didn't sound okay this morning.
and my hobby even disapoints me. all i do is count. minutes, hours, and days. when my dad will show up, and i can keep a temporary company until i have to grow up again come monday morning when i consider my education and well-being once more, one more time. one more time, one more time.
i wasn't okay when i woke up today but i talked to miss erica. she told me its not worth it to envy those who don't have to apply the effort i do towards the simple things. she says it hasn't happend to them yet, but that it will. there will be a time when they struggle because their parents have died or became ill and they find themselves completely alone and confused about the purposes and "why even bother". one day their idealism will do more harm than comfort. but we're learning to adapt. i am acceptance one day and miserable the next, but i've got to keep one foot infront of the other because it will be beautiful when i get there.
i try very hard to do the things most people can snap their fingers at. and i also understand i'm not completely alone in that group. although, it frustrates me entirely to think of you all who can get up when the clock tells you to dress yourself- without any intrusive thought at all.
i spent the weekend alone in this house. maria packed up the load and took off friday evening. she doesn't want to be around my dad.
only, my dad never came. something with his intestines again, they admitted him friday night. i don't know if he'll be okay.. he didn't sound okay this morning.
and my hobby even disapoints me. all i do is count. minutes, hours, and days. when my dad will show up, and i can keep a temporary company until i have to grow up again come monday morning when i consider my education and well-being once more, one more time. one more time, one more time.
i wasn't okay when i woke up today but i talked to miss erica. she told me its not worth it to envy those who don't have to apply the effort i do towards the simple things. she says it hasn't happend to them yet, but that it will. there will be a time when they struggle because their parents have died or became ill and they find themselves completely alone and confused about the purposes and "why even bother". one day their idealism will do more harm than comfort. but we're learning to adapt. i am acceptance one day and miserable the next, but i've got to keep one foot infront of the other because it will be beautiful when i get there.