better than okay
Bobby came over last weekend. I missed him so much. He brought me pictures and clips of New Jersey and our future split apartment with Rob and Stephanie. We went to the beach and the circus. For dinner I made shepherd's pie. It was really good to see him.
Last night we were talking about college acceptance percentages. And to me, everything really doesn't seem so terribly negative and scary anymore. I mean things for me have seriously changed.
If you've ever seen Thumbsucker, and the part where he starts taking drugs for having ADHD.. well that's me. I haven't missed any assignments, and I'm all involved in things. It's amazing how attentive I really have been. I won't even get a B- lately. I finished reading The Catcher in the Rye. And I even help out in the house. I mean I have to live here, right. I help by cooking and cleaning not only for myself. I swear I'm hardly intimidated anymore. It's the amazing feeling of acknowledging the potential everyone says you have and putting it to the use of your time you have to spend anyway.
Some people believe depression isn't a real disease. And the ones closest to me want to believe I'm hardly diagnosed. im not even trying to state a self-diagnosis. But I have read symptoms through symptoms and passages through passages, stories through stories. I'm thoroughly educated on it and I have a problem. I know I do. whether its any disease or any 'normal' rapid change through different emotions. But I don't need medication. Because overall, me taking medication for depression, would be depressing.
It's obvious when I say something I don't mean. And react to something too excessively and regularly. And I really can tell differences between the symptoms to this disorder and teenage hormones.
In my belief, they are entirely similar in ways of passing in and out of a phase. Just because you are a young individual, does not mean you can't have a separation of hormonal issues to the issues you face with different emotional problems like depression. Adults like to exclude youth to that category. But i believe it is an entire possibility, as being one who has to learn control alone.
You probably think these assumtions are completely incorrect and nothing wrong ever happens to me emotionally other than any other teen and i would want you to. its not like i wanted someone to know. I never wanted to hurt anyone. or me. I still don't. and this is why i tried harder. And yeah, its blankly obvious i have had 'trouble' in my life, nothing else needs to be blamed. Because if im breathing it must mean im living and that means im on my own dealing with my own apprehension again.
Finally, I could tell when i got completely forgetful and slept all the time. But to me, it became a serious problem when I saw it hurting Bobby a lot.
I am entirely different in ways of better and happier when I hear from him and see him.
So I'm giving back. I am doing this for him, but I'm also doing it for myself too. If I can already see improvement when all I have is his support and my determination, I do believe I can get over this.
I'm starting to actually see myself when i do something wrong instead of thinking its right or feeling good about it. And it makes a terrible difference.
And that I don't have to get upset about not having a crowded social life. Comfort is my key to confidence.
I really hope this optimism lasts.
ps. i wrote this for myself as a somewhat praise. it really is my positive change in everything. no need to worry at all. I would hope you wouldn't feel as though i make this up because "im Corrine and im perfectly healthy"..or because I, myself can see that i have 'messed up' and not an elder or a trianed professional. we're all human beings. and we're all born with more than an ounce or two of morale which means we have choices, and we can choose the better one. i just thought i would share