fuck it all
so its one of those days. And not just apparently for me, for a lot of people here in the fab world of LJ. so I'm just gunna describe to you my life in some of the extra bad and stupid song lyrics I made up today after school.
I'm the queen of hearts, but those hearts are all broken
I'm the most popular girl, but I have no friends to lean back on
I've got lovers, but none of them have hearts
I've got a home, but I'd rather hitch-hike
I've got parents, but they're not here to care
I've got soul but it's trapped behind this face
this face. this DAMN FACE. GOD! I am SICK of fake people (but I'm so hypocritical) I wear a mask! I AM THE FAKE ONE! HELLO WORLD! I'm not the sweet, perfect, quirky girl I appear to be! It's all an act.
You know what, I am very in control of my emotions, I could be happy right now, but I'm not, I am almost forcing myself to be sad. To get sympathy? No. Its just because I can't stay bottled up anymore.
So friends, I have none. I mean, metaphorically speaking I have tons. But I have no like close friends. No group. Nobody to lean on, to count on, to spill my soul to. Exept for allison, but since she started that thing with the whole damn chio, I'm eternally stuck within myself. I need a good friend.
Olot is on saturday. i'm on Asb. I'm putting in on with 7 other ASB-ers. And yet I have no plans. And nobody is planning to go. And I want to. What the hell am I supposed to do?! I'm so screwed.Oh and my math grade ISNT an A. ITs an A-. She lied to me, stupip ass bitch. let her die. now I wont get money from my mom, she'll probably send me to sylvan learning centers.
So the Play. I auditioned yesterday for Kentridge's show. I did well at auditioned, well at callbacks, but effing Mrs. G of course does the whole "Senority over talent". So some junior got my part (no offense to anyone). But then again.....a week ago I didn't give a damn about teh show, if I got in or not. I actually had to be PUSHED to auditon. I though, what the hell, I'll do it. If not I can take flamenco dancing and drivers ed ( I need to get my lisence before I'm seventeen.) But I didn't get the part, and like I told myself and my family, I wont do it. Mrs. G over-cast it, so nobody is at lost. And I know people wish they could have gotton in like me, that i'm being selfish. Its not because I'm stuck up that I want to drop out, its because I have OTHER THINGS TO DO. Things I WANT to do and things that others wont push me to do, things where I'll get JUST AS MUCH OR MORE out of what I'm putting into it than what I'm getting out of it. I want to extracurriculars for once that I want to do. Like truely want to do. Like nobody else would understand why I want to do them. Or why, or if I'm even any good. I want to do it, so let me.
But I definitely think that one of the reasons I didn't get in or get that lead role was because I never really wanted it, never put my heart into it. I don't want to Upset Mrs. G tough by like DROPPING OUT. But I'll talk to her about it anyways. What do you think?
I can't explain why my life is falling apart.
I am drawn to flamenco. I don't know why. Possibly because of my spanish heratige ( I swear to God I'm adopted!) because its in spanish, because I'm fascinated with anything spanish, because of the rhythem, the color, the story behind it, the costume, the footwork. Or is it just the passion and emotion put into the dancing? I just wish I had somewhere to get there, I'll have to talk to my mom about that tonight hopefully. It IS all the way in seattle, so it'd be like 30-40 minutes each way from my mom's, and like 20 from my dad's. But it is only once a week. I'll even pay for some, maybe even half. But I have to do it. I don't know why. This may sound like just a bunch of screaming to you but listen to this. This is why I want to do it. The feeling.
I told a lie today, and I feel horrible so I will fix it, you just see.
thats about it. but it was worth it.
mucho amor