so content
wow...im really good right now. i went 2 parent/child work day w/ my mom on thursday. i wuz fine in the morning, then in the afternoon i got sick. i went 2 skool 2day but luckily, mom got outta work early so i didn't work long, or much. yesterday wuz demzy's b-day so HAPPY B-DAY DEMZY! LOVE YA!!! so 2day i felt like shit and it wuz my aun vicky's b-day so i had 2 get off at the day care and crap but my g-ma took care of me, lol. i got home and went 2 the bathroom but i put my cell 2 charge first. when i got out, i had a call from RAYNOR! i swear i stared at the number 4 like a minute and just kept repeating it over and over in my mind 2 make sure it wuz really him. i called one of my friends first but she wuz w/ sum1 so we couldn't talk....then i called Celia. i called raynor and we had a long conversation. it wuz awesome becuz it wuz the closure i needed. he told one of my friends that he no longer felt comfortable w/ me and i asked him since when he had felt that way. he said he had been feeling that way 4 awhile and i wuzn't angry, just hurt that he hadn't told me a long time ago. he said it wuz becuz he wuz being a coward and shit. i went 2 hawaii awhile baq and i brought him the most beautiful ty beenie baby and he seemed 2 love it, but then i heard he gave it 2 his then g/f. i wuz really upset and called him, yelling, bitching, i wuz almost in tears becuz i claimed that thing 4 him from the very moment i saw it. i slept w/ it every night that i wuz in hawaii and it never left my side. whenever i got on a plane, it sat on my lap and never touched the floor. i gave it 2 him w/ such love and i just couldn't wait 2 give it 2 him. i found out he did give it away and 2day i asked him about it. he admitted he did and he said he didn't tell me becuz he didn't wanna hurt me and that he wuz being an asshole and he apologized 4 doing that. i apologized 2 becuz we stopped speaking over a letter in which he thought i implied i didn't belive in him. i apologized 4 making him think that and we're on good terms now. we're not going baq 2 being friends, but we've cleared things up and we don't have anything against each other. so Raynor, if u EVER read this, in the last letter i wrote 2 u i said that the next time u heard me say "i love you" it would only be as a friend. well this is next time. i love you, and even though u say u feel nuthing 4 anyone anymore, its ok becuz i never asked u 2 love me as anything ever....but i want 2 say thank you 4 being the biggest part of my life for so long and for being u, good and bad, becuz i learned from u. u don't kno, and will never kno, how im different, all becuz of u. thanx 4 helping me close this chapter in my life and 4 giving me closure, cuz i needed it.
even though toward the end raynor and i were growing apart, there wuz a time in our history where we were very close and thats wut i hope he'll remember. i will, along w/ everything else. i didn't ask raynor exactly when he became uncomfortable w/ me, but i think i kno when. it wuz be4 christmas when i told him how i really felt. he said i should have told him be4, and i told him it didn't matter becuz they were old feelings and i didn't want him 2 think i had a thing against his g/f's. on christmas he said he reciprocated my feelings, and i wanted 2 believe it, but i think i didn't believe it either, all at once. i don't think he really felt that way, but he said he did becuz he might have felt bad or uneasy or w/e....but i think thats when we began drifting. i dunno. one day, when i face God, i'll ask wut wuz the deal. right now im good. i've gotten over loving raynor with planty of self therapy and wasted pen and paper, and with the help of a few friends. i feel relieved cuz even when we were friends, i knew it would be better 4 the both of us 4 me 2 4get my feelings and make them go away, but i don't have a magic spell 4 that. now though, life is good! well thanx 4 listening 2 me ramble guys. later.
even though toward the end raynor and i were growing apart, there wuz a time in our history where we were very close and thats wut i hope he'll remember. i will, along w/ everything else. i didn't ask raynor exactly when he became uncomfortable w/ me, but i think i kno when. it wuz be4 christmas when i told him how i really felt. he said i should have told him be4, and i told him it didn't matter becuz they were old feelings and i didn't want him 2 think i had a thing against his g/f's. on christmas he said he reciprocated my feelings, and i wanted 2 believe it, but i think i didn't believe it either, all at once. i don't think he really felt that way, but he said he did becuz he might have felt bad or uneasy or w/e....but i think thats when we began drifting. i dunno. one day, when i face God, i'll ask wut wuz the deal. right now im good. i've gotten over loving raynor with planty of self therapy and wasted pen and paper, and with the help of a few friends. i feel relieved cuz even when we were friends, i knew it would be better 4 the both of us 4 me 2 4get my feelings and make them go away, but i don't have a magic spell 4 that. now though, life is good! well thanx 4 listening 2 me ramble guys. later.