(no subject)
ugh. i hate starting anything new. i feel like i'm trying to start my entire life over. everything has changed. nothing will ever be the same. so, i've decided to delete the old journal and start a new one. why? after talking to a special someone, i decided that i'm not handling things the way i should be. of course i'm upset and i'm sad, but there has to be a better way or at least hope for a something better. if not, i might seriously go crazy.
so what now? well i need to get my life back in order. at least somewhat in order. i'll take even that. seems as if everything in my life has been flipped upsidedown and i can't find my way back on my feet. everywhere, everyday constant reminders of my total fuck up. wonderful. but i guess what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. i hope. it just gets tough sometimes ya know? feeling alone. i've come to the conclusion that i don't really have as many friends as i thought i did. the ones i really need to see live about 4 hours away from here. don't get me wrong, i do have a few great friends here who have already helped me out tremendously, but i know my crap gets old eventually. i'm just not happy with things right now. i've lost someone who i love with all my heart, grown apart from many friends, my family is basically crazy, and i have a million trillion other problems i could name off but i'm not going to. i just need something new for once, which is why i guess i'm kind of excited about moving back to lexington for school. i just need to get away for a good while. let my heart mend. i never thought it would be this hard.
but hockey starts up soon. hopefully that'll help me get my life back on track. i miss hockey. that was something i always loved and probably always will love. i'd love to help coach at male but considering i'll be in school in lexington, i can't really do that. maybe someday. i want to bring those damn grades up this semester too. i know i can do it. it'll just be hard work but what else do i have to do on long bus rides out of state with field hockey? as for dating... i'm not really interested. i'm not ready for anything yet. i want to fix me before i take on anyone else. i have a lot of growing up to do i think. there are a lot of little things about me i need to change. i'm pretty much as disfunctioned as they come. and rush is coming up too. kind of excited about that. i want to meet some new people and what better way of doing so? it'll be exhausting though. i remember rushing as a freshman and i was pooped. this year i'll be the active interviewing new members. should be interesting. and with school starting, i'll have a job! woohoo! i need some money too. hopefully with all the business of the new school year, i'll figure myself out. i need a change. i need something.
oh and i'm sorry. i'm sorry i haven't been me in forever. i'm sorry i drown everyone in my daily drama. sometimes i don't know how else to handle it. it gets hard sometimes. my life is in a rebuilding stage. i might need some help along the way. first things first though... i have to learn how to help myself too.