How did I become such an alien?
I swear, I can't relate to anyone. Or they can't relate to me. Or something. I feel like I'm from another planet.
You know that little dance that people do... the "what do you want to do?", "I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" game? I wonder what causes that. Is it relationships and trying to be accomodating? Is it not wanting to make the other person do something they might not want to? Is it fear of putting your feelings out on the line and then getting them squashed? Or is it relationships and having these types of things be such a pain in the ass that you don't even want to answer?
I'm not sure. But when I found myself alone and single after so many years, I no longer had to play that game. I don't have to ask anyone, "What do you want to do?" I just go ahead and do whatever it is I want to. On the occasions when a friend actually wants to hang out with me (god forbid), I start to fall back into the same habit. What the hell is with that? Luckily I have less patience for the game than I used to. I remember so many of those discussions ending in an angry, "Well fine, we'll just stay home then."
Where was I going with this? Um. Well, for one it's difficult to feel like you're going through life flying by the seat of your pants. You almost need something that you can always count on - I'm just not used to that something being ME. Secondly, I'm kind of lonely. But I feel like it's my own fault for having odd interests or being too eccentric or being just too...something. Whatever it is that's scaring everyone off.
Fuggit. Maybe I just need to withdraw again. It doesn't make things any happier, but at least then I don't feel like I'm trying and failing.
You know that little dance that people do... the "what do you want to do?", "I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" game? I wonder what causes that. Is it relationships and trying to be accomodating? Is it not wanting to make the other person do something they might not want to? Is it fear of putting your feelings out on the line and then getting them squashed? Or is it relationships and having these types of things be such a pain in the ass that you don't even want to answer?
I'm not sure. But when I found myself alone and single after so many years, I no longer had to play that game. I don't have to ask anyone, "What do you want to do?" I just go ahead and do whatever it is I want to. On the occasions when a friend actually wants to hang out with me (god forbid), I start to fall back into the same habit. What the hell is with that? Luckily I have less patience for the game than I used to. I remember so many of those discussions ending in an angry, "Well fine, we'll just stay home then."
Where was I going with this? Um. Well, for one it's difficult to feel like you're going through life flying by the seat of your pants. You almost need something that you can always count on - I'm just not used to that something being ME. Secondly, I'm kind of lonely. But I feel like it's my own fault for having odd interests or being too eccentric or being just too...something. Whatever it is that's scaring everyone off.
Fuggit. Maybe I just need to withdraw again. It doesn't make things any happier, but at least then I don't feel like I'm trying and failing.