love will lead us <3
last night i cried myself to sleep. and i dont really know why. i know part of it is because right now i feel like i have no reason to live. i'm not doing anything important in my life at the time being.. just wasting away 32-40 hours a week selling coffee and bagels to grungy old men who look at me like i'm mothering their children. sick.
its not that i dont like my job. i do. hell, i have like $60 in change from like my last 4 shifts. its just that right now.. working full time at tim hortons.. i'm afraid i'm going to be stuck there till i'm 30 and going on maternity leave like 2 girls did yesterday. the sad part is.. i know i wont still be working there when they come back next july but theres that inkling of doubt in the back of my mind thats screaming at me saying i'm going to be one of those 60 year old women, working the backshift at tim hortons. i'm determined to let that not be the rest of my life.
moving on...
brians gone till monday. thats another reason i cried myself to sleep last night. it makes me nervous being away from him. i trust him with my life, its not that. i dont know what it is really. maybe its that his best girl friend wants him.. that sets me off a little. i hope i never meet her.. that'll be awkward. and i have no intention of being nice to her if and when i do meet her. sorry in advance nicia. but i dont like you and i dont even know you. wow.. thats sad. i guess i'm just scared that he'll find someone better than me.. and that'll be the end of that. i love him so much.. like, i'll never love like this again. and the fact that i'm not even 18 years old yet and i feel this way makes me even more nervous. but excited at the same time. i feel like i've found the rest of my life. that makes me happy. <3 i love that i can talk to my mom about him. we were just sitting in the living room.. well, i was moping, she was sitting in the living room and she just knew i missed him cause she asked when he was coming back. i love that my mom knows me so well.
my week has been busy. and next week is only going to be worse.
this week i had a game on monday. we tied and i had an amazing catch. like, it was so sexy. it was the top of the 7th and we were down by 1, 1 out, runner on third. i was literally in left-center field and the ball was hit like on the line. caught it in the air, threw to third, double play. beauty. we scored in the bottom of the 7th to tie and that was the end of that game. we didnt go to extra innings cause it was a night game, it was cold and the game was already 2.5 hours old. good times.
tuesday i got called into work, 1-6. i dont know what was wrong with me but i was honest to god perfectly fine until about 4 and then i started feeling really sick. i just figured i was hungry cause i didnt really eat all day so i made a bagel on my break and yeah, that didnt stay down long. came home after work and basically just lazed around for a while and talked to brian. i went to bed early cause i wasnt feeling that good.
wednesday we had a game again. the cole harbour team we were playing didnt have enough players so they had to forfeit i think, but we played anyway and just loaned them one of our players every inning. we won by the 10 run rule which was pretty cool.
i worked yesterday 7-3 and then i didnt know what to do with myself because brian left around 1 so he wasnt here when i got home. basically i chilled for a long time. watched the rest of erin brockovich that i started on wednesday and watched how to lose a guy in 10 days. my dad called last night and we talked for a bit. i want to get down to see him some weekend. i asked amanda if we could go down together and visit and stuff cause i know it would mean a lot to him, especially with everything thats been going on lately.
anyways.. worked today, 6-2. at first it was kinda awkward cause it was just me and jamie and i never really worked with him like one on one before but after a while we were pretty comfortable with each other which makes me happy. i like the people i work with. it was just me, jamie, jesse, bobbi and hector today. it was awesome. i liked today.
i work tomorrow, 2-10 and then again on sunday 6-2 then i have good ol softball practice on sunday night. *sigh. i'm sleeping SO much on monday. i cant wait. i hope brians home when i finally wake up monday afternoon.. yeah.. next week is pretty much looking about the same as this week was..
monday: game, 6:15 at maybank against some team i've never heard of.
tuesday: absolutely nothing.
wednesday: work, 7-3 then game at 6:15 at john martin against another darmouth team.
thursday: work, 7:30-3:30
friday: work, 7:30-3:30
saturday: work, 6-2
sunday: work, 6-2 then practice 6:30
i dont know how the fuck i do this. its ridiculous. oh well.. i just keep thinking of the money thats going into my bank account and into my big bucket of tips. i'm pumped.
wow.. this was a long pointless post. i think i'm just wasting time because i have nothing else to do. i called raquel tonight to see if she wanted to do something but there was no answer. now that i think of it, i think she said she had to go to a friend of the familys for some shindig or something. so then i called cherelle and again, no answer. and then i gave up and realized i didnt really want to go anywhere anyway. and yeah.. i'm rambling again. i started this post 25 minutes ago.. christ.
yeah.. i'm done i guess.. there isnt really much left for me to talk about, i dont think.. ohhh yes! there is!
i was talking to the lady from the flight attendant academy the other day on the phone and she did the interview process thing over the phone and i passed and i just have to get a doctors note saying i'm in good health (ie. that i dont have like epilepsy or like back problems), a copy of my resume, a copy of my diploma and a hundred bucks for the registration fee thing and they're gonna send me out an acceptance letter. i'm so pumped. i cant wait to start school in september. get me away from tim hortons. i told you i'm not going to let that be the rest of my life. <3
ok. now i'm really done. like there isnt anything else i have to talk about. i'm done.
tell me you love me <3