(no subject)
So, i'm sitting here remembering that night in May where steve took me and shook me by the shoulders looked me square in the eye and said "you're going to do amazing things" i smiled politely... he was drunk.... but he held a firmer grip and brought me closer to his face and said in all seriousness "i'm telling you, you are going to go so far, and do amazing things. you are an incredible person and more than anyone else you will do great things."
i think at that point i kinda believed him.... he had more conviction than i had ever seen him relay in his statement.. and he wasnt trying to molest me or flatter me or anything else.... it was like pure words from the heart and i was really touched.
Larry told me not long ago that everytime he talks to me he learns so random fact about me he never knew, and it's always surprising and cool and unique...
i never really thought i was that excitting... but i don't tend to divulge that information unless it's prodded.... i've been though a lot... am i sposed to always talk about it?
at work i'm doing a foodservice rotation and i the diet i have to live with is their worst nightmare.... on wednesday i worked from 6:30 am - 3pm with a 10 minute break..... i prepared trays, delivered them, cleared off dishes... etc etc like i worked as one of the lowliest jobs around... and i pay to do this, and my job is to learn to be their manager... but it was so refreshing... to learn how these people live... to have to keep their schedule.. just to make maybe enough money for rent. and like they do this day in and day out.... i'm amazed by them... they are doing amazing things.. without them people in hospitols could not be fed... but i dn't think we really appreciate the work they do... and there's no aknowlegement of their work... sure they bring trays but to no response from the patient.. maybe a complaint or something... they get nothing they work in the bowels and they get no thanks... i am impressed.
um so i feel like i live my life like that... like people see me to deliver their trays... they see this outside thing or whatever... it's natural and all... it's just that they haven't bothered to go deeper inside to find the source of it all and see all the small details that go into creating this thing that's just taken for granted... picked at....complained about....
i dont know i'm not saying i'm misunderstood... i'm just saying... i think it's my fault partly because i keep hidden away.. don't divulge all the details unless prodded. i guess i'm just seeing that all now... it's gotten very clear.. like crystal... where i stand in peoples lives and how they want me to stand in theirs.... i'm not sure how i feel about it... but i like that i see it now...
i mean i think i let people see certain sides... and now all the nitty gritty details.....it amazes me how i can spend 30 hours a week doing this job, and no one even knows what i do.... they don't ask either... it's just known that i show up where they are at that moment... or that i hold this vast amount of knowlege that i keep to myself.. and sometimes it comes out...
i think i always just want to express myself through cooking.. like maybe people can understand me through that... i always want each meal to leave the person feeling satisfied and complete... like i take the time to think about it.. to create each dish to be perfectly seasoned for everyone eating.... to plan the shape of how i chop each vegetable and why i want it like that.... but i doubt people look that deeply into it... but it's a correlation of me... my mood, my thoughts, my creative outlet.... and that's why i have to do it on my own and don't want help.. it's not pride... it just takes away from my expression, because it's putting someone else in the spot that i really cherish to express myself....
and with that i feel tussled.
i think at that point i kinda believed him.... he had more conviction than i had ever seen him relay in his statement.. and he wasnt trying to molest me or flatter me or anything else.... it was like pure words from the heart and i was really touched.
Larry told me not long ago that everytime he talks to me he learns so random fact about me he never knew, and it's always surprising and cool and unique...
i never really thought i was that excitting... but i don't tend to divulge that information unless it's prodded.... i've been though a lot... am i sposed to always talk about it?
at work i'm doing a foodservice rotation and i the diet i have to live with is their worst nightmare.... on wednesday i worked from 6:30 am - 3pm with a 10 minute break..... i prepared trays, delivered them, cleared off dishes... etc etc like i worked as one of the lowliest jobs around... and i pay to do this, and my job is to learn to be their manager... but it was so refreshing... to learn how these people live... to have to keep their schedule.. just to make maybe enough money for rent. and like they do this day in and day out.... i'm amazed by them... they are doing amazing things.. without them people in hospitols could not be fed... but i dn't think we really appreciate the work they do... and there's no aknowlegement of their work... sure they bring trays but to no response from the patient.. maybe a complaint or something... they get nothing they work in the bowels and they get no thanks... i am impressed.
um so i feel like i live my life like that... like people see me to deliver their trays... they see this outside thing or whatever... it's natural and all... it's just that they haven't bothered to go deeper inside to find the source of it all and see all the small details that go into creating this thing that's just taken for granted... picked at....complained about....
i dont know i'm not saying i'm misunderstood... i'm just saying... i think it's my fault partly because i keep hidden away.. don't divulge all the details unless prodded. i guess i'm just seeing that all now... it's gotten very clear.. like crystal... where i stand in peoples lives and how they want me to stand in theirs.... i'm not sure how i feel about it... but i like that i see it now...
i mean i think i let people see certain sides... and now all the nitty gritty details.....it amazes me how i can spend 30 hours a week doing this job, and no one even knows what i do.... they don't ask either... it's just known that i show up where they are at that moment... or that i hold this vast amount of knowlege that i keep to myself.. and sometimes it comes out...
i think i always just want to express myself through cooking.. like maybe people can understand me through that... i always want each meal to leave the person feeling satisfied and complete... like i take the time to think about it.. to create each dish to be perfectly seasoned for everyone eating.... to plan the shape of how i chop each vegetable and why i want it like that.... but i doubt people look that deeply into it... but it's a correlation of me... my mood, my thoughts, my creative outlet.... and that's why i have to do it on my own and don't want help.. it's not pride... it just takes away from my expression, because it's putting someone else in the spot that i really cherish to express myself....
and with that i feel tussled.