apparently this is all about sex
I feel asleep for about 2 hours and woke up.. now I can't sleep and my brain won't shut up.
Looks like it's honesty hour for Gwyn, because I am lame and need to rant to something.
Not like I can really talk to anyone anyway.
No one even reads this.
Well.. except you Demi.
hi Demi.
Would it be weird if I just started directing my entries towards you?
That might be kinda creepy.
Instead of like a "Dear Diary" thing, I would have a "Dear Demi" thing.
That's probably really weird... yeah.
I'll stop.
Anyway..
I dunno what's wrong with me lately.
I'm getting worse.
Joe is certain that it's a mixture of my work like and my home life.
That I'm too exposed to people.
Because, not only do i have to put up with bullshit from customers at work and all the typical idiocies of my supervisors.. but when I come home, it's like a whole different war zone.
Deb is hitting menopause like something awful. I used to really like her. I was kinda hoping to use her as a sort of mother figure... but yea... that's not gunna work out. I can't stand the woman most of the time anymore.
And there's Holly. She's a full blown teenager. And a total fucking bitch to boot.
Granted.. I have nothing really against them personally.
They're good people.
Just... I hate them.
I pretty much hate everyone to a point.
I'm too hateful of everything.
That used to bother me about Joe.
He just hated. Everything. Everyone.
But that's sorta why we get along so well I think.
Aside from the fact that I think he's the only person who's ever come close to actually understanding me.
Sad part is... I don't think he really does.
He think he does. I lead him on to believe that he does.
I just can't talk to him.
I can't explain anything to him.
He pisses me off to no end.
He's a great and wonderful guy.
Just absolutely amazing.
He loves me more then anyone ever has.
He's attentive.
He takes care of me.
He puts up with all my bullshit.
He's just everything.
I really don't deserve someone who is so fucking nice.
I really don't.
And I feel terrible.
He loves me to this ridiculous level and I will never be able to catch up to that.
Like... ever.
That's not to say that I don't care about him or anything.
I love him. I do.
I fucking married his dumb ass.
That's gotta mean something right?
He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
My life got so much better since we've been together.
He's helped me so much.
And it's not that I don't appreciate it or anything.
I do. Really.
No one has ever given a shit about me like he does.
So... why the fuck don't I love him the way he wants me to?
I keep thinking I'm gay or something.
Must be.
That's another thing.
My whole bisexual crap.
He understands that.
It's weird.
Or he thinks he understands.
I dunno.
We've tried.
And by tried, I mean we've had 3-ways with a couple friends.
Yeah...
It's not really the same.
I dunno.
Sex is like... I don't really get it.
I don't mind it.. it's good I guess.
I know if I don't get off after every few days or so, I start to get kinda loopy.
That's no big deal.
He's a total sex fiend. So I can always go to him.
It gets kinda annoying though, I'll admit.
Like... I can't be naked around him at all.
If I wanna get changed or something.
I usually have to leave the room.
Or try and do it really quick so that he doesn't see me.
I swear he has some kinda sense or something.
The moment I take my shirt off, he's right there.
It's kinda obnoxious.
Especially when I need to get ready for work.. and he just won't stop.
I dunno...
Some girls would eat up attention like that.
I just... don't care.
I wanna be left alone.
We can't even just lay around and like... cuddle.
As girly as that sounds.
I'm not really much of a snuggly type person.
I mean, I am.. but.. it comes in spurts.
We can't really even do that though without it turning into something.
Like I said.. kinda annoying.
Only kinda.
Cause I know, if his attention suddenly stopped out of nowhere... I would think something was wrong, or that he was mad at me about something.. and then i would start freaking out and panicking and worrying if I did something.
I'm such a fucking basket case. I swear.
But yeah, back to the sex thing.
He understands that I'm bi.
He's even said that he wishes he could be more gay for me.
Which is funny, cause he's said he's gotten close to that point while he was drinking.
Oddly enough... he's only ever said this about one person.
Patrick.
<3
Yeah, you can go tell him that Demi.
And the weird thing?
I really don't care. I kinda want him to be gay.
I told him my first gay experience started when I was drunk.
It's a great way to break the ice, especially if the other person is willing.
I dunno if this means he wants to experiment with a 3-way with another guy though...
I mean... not that I mind or anything.. but... eghh.. the whole 3-way thing.
I've had enough of those to honestly say, it's not really my gig.
They're fun, and yeah, it's pretty badass when it happens.
But I'd like it to kinda be spontaneous, y'know?
All the times I've ever been involved with one... it's been planned... it's kinda weird.
Joe says that people apparently do that.
They plan out sex dates.
Really?
How do you know if you're even going to be in the mood?
I guess if you just bring alcohol or something... that's a good way to kick start things..
...I just realized that this kinda turned into me just talking about my sex life.
Awkward.
Whatever.
I dunno where I'm really going with this.
Is it odd that I want Joe to be gay?
He's not homophobic or anything, obviously.
Hell, I look like a little boy compared to him and people look at us funny when we're in public.
I just want him to experiment.
This really isn't just so that I can see him hook up with a dood.
lol 'dood'
I guess what I'm really getting at is..
Maybe if I got him to experiment, and sorta... broaden his horizons a bit.. that maybe I could explore my lady-loving-bi-side.
Does that make sense?
He's told me that he doesn't mind me hooking up with girls.
...so long that he's there.
Which is.. kinda creepy.
I mean, yeah, obviously.. he's looking for a 3-way.
What man wouldn't want to score with a bi-chick, right?
They're thinking "Aw yeah! 3-ways all around!"
But it's like... yeahhhno.
When I find interest in a girl, I'm actually not really out to fuck her or anything.
I mean... I'm married. I'm not trying to flat out cheat on my husband.
Weird.
Husband.
I rarely ever refer to him like that.
Been married over a year now.
Egh.
But yeah, anyway, I'm not trying to use my bisexuality as like a free ticket to get away with scoring on pretty ladies.
I love Joe. I do.
So I'm not looking to start any kind of relationship with anyone else.
Which leads me to another weird predicament...
Hypothetically, let's say I get the OK from Joe to just randomly hook up with ladies.
How... how do I do that?
Would a girl actually be willing to just.. I dunno... make out? Without expecting some kinda relationship?
I don't wanna lead anybody on or anything.
And pretty much everyone knows we're married, or at the very least, in a relationship.
Ugh... I'm getting my thoughts all mixed up.
My hot tea went cold...
I think one of my big issues is that... I never really got to explore my gayness.
That sounds weird.
But it's true.
This really wasn't mean to be about sex...
This whole entry is really awkward and like... oddly personal.
I don't post anything for like... ever.
Then I do all this shit.
Sorry.
To... whoever is reading this.
Demi
lol
But.. in other news.
I'm going to see my dad this weekend.
Which is good.
I haven't seen him since... I think my wedding... which was like.. a year ago.
I'm the worst daughter ever.
I miss my dad. I do. So much.
Both of them.
I just never really have time to go see my one dad.
And the other, lives with that bitch of a woman.
So I can't even go over there without getting guilt tripped.
I'm not even going to get into that topic.
I think she's a major factor in why I'm so screwed up.
I'll call that guy tomorrow.
Gotta make myself do it. I have to.
I need a person to tel all this shit to.
Someone who can like... guide me.. I guess... lead me in the right direction.
..or something.
Kinda sad to think that I'm experiencing all this weird shit and I'm barely even 30.
Yikes.
30?
Yeah... I'm almost 30.
Don't remind me.