have an emo halloween
jessica and i are ridiculously awesome. we are effing studs.
we were emo! =(
lamez0rz. check out myspace. i ...all over our arms...and forehead.
hahahahaha. and our tears....oh man! awesome! electrical tape bracelets...almost as bad as emos cutting themselves. heather even asked if i was crying. hella funny.
i'll post pictures once i steal them from jessica [cuz im an idiot and left my camera in my car].
however, other than our awesome costumes, the dance sucked. you know who else sucks? ...
and ewwwwww. colin. ewwww. that was so wrong. why would you do that to me?! and then 5 minutes later ask me to dance...after you did that thinggg! ughhh! ewww!
jordan = why?
costume contest...tiffany wright: "SHE'S A JUNIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" haha. so basically anyone could have gotten in.
hmm...so in total i backed out of...1...2...3...4...costumes. but thats because emo = the crying shit.
we even sat on the floor in semi-fetal positions for a little while. it was so emo. rox0rz.
[edit - 2ish...set back your clocks, dumbasses]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i hateeeee thisssss! im dyingggg!
"you need to do chores! you shouldn't have gone to that dance! blah blah blah!"
that would be my lovely mother's take on my life. maybe she should just tell me that i can't have fun. maybe she doesn't realize that i practically come straight home after every dance instead of going to parties and getting wasted like my peers. maybe she doesn't realize that i'm more responsible and independent than most people my age...and most people older than i am. maybe she doesn't realize that out of her four children, i'm the only one that doesn't have her rewrite my essays and do my spanish homework for me. [not that i have spanish anymore...] even my 20 year old brother has her do his spanish for him. it's ridiculous. maybe she doesn't realize that sometimes i have too many responsibilities. maybe she doesn't realize that i rarely go out. maybe she doesn't realize that my life consists of stress from everything. maybe she doesn't realize how crappy things have been since she took away swimming. maybe she doesn't realize that i exist as a kid...not as someone she can dump all her shit on.
my siblings are so dependent. i'm so fucking independent. i'm sick of it, too. for a while i was like "oh! im so cool because i can hold my own ground in life!" but now i'm realizing that this is all bullshit. i've completely blocked out parts of my childhood because i can't take it. i've completely blocked out parts of my life because i can't take it.
i can't even convince myself to grow-up because that's what i'm trying to avoid. that's what i'm tired of doing. that's what i wish i could take back. i grew up too fast.
alright...done with my victimizing. i've gotta get over this.
fuck her. i don't want that fucking food so why should i make it for everyone else? if she suggests making fucking muffins, then she should fucking make them. it's not like their neccessary for her diet. every little thing just gets to me now. fucking lame.
[edit again...] i can't do my essays because i suck at college already. annndd i might have to take my sister and her friends trick-or-treating. what a wonderful life i lead. by the way, hamlet blows. i just finished scene two...i was supposed to have read that last week. now i have to read 3 and 4...eff that.
what is this? like the third [edit]? yeah. i think so. because i have no point in life. i can't write my college essays...and it's not because i suck, it's not because i have self-diagnosed a.d.d, it's not because i don't know what to write...it's because i don't want my parents reading my essays. i don't know why. my mom always butchers what i write, and while she believes she's helping me word it better and whatnot, she's really changing the meaning. i hate that. she still has no idea what my kairos talk was about...and thank god i think she's forgotten that i even did one. wow. kairos still occupies my mind. it's crazy. i was looking at the pics on my wall the other day and i can't believe that in three days everything was through...in two, i had given my talk...absolutely insane. and i'd still like to know who was talking about my talk because people asked to read it. such a weird experience.
ugh. my mother is home. i hate when she comes home. it's a constant ... i dont even know what to call it. she's always criticizing me and verbally abusing me. i can't take it. why does she have to bring me down? why do i let her bring me down? it has awful affects. i want to move out. get emancipated or something. there's no point in staying here longer than i have to. i could live out of my car...no shame. i could deal. it's better than this, at the least. i think one day, i'll write a novel about what a baby i am yet at the same time how fast i've had to grow up. sometimes i look at my sister and wonder if she'll wind up the same way i have. we seem to be my mother's prey. i can't understand why. and what kills me is that we can't really do much about it except stand there and take it. even when i fight back, things just seem to get worse.
i don't know why i'm writing so much today. maybe it's cuz everything is crashing. something is breaking away. you know that whole new-chapter-in-your-life-thing? yeah...those things suck. capturing the spirit of something that doesn't completely exist. watching everything fall to pieces. letting go. moving on. caring when you don't want to. life's tough. and sometimes fighting back just isn't enough.
adios.
we were emo! =(
lamez0rz. check out myspace. i ...all over our arms...and forehead.
hahahahaha. and our tears....oh man! awesome! electrical tape bracelets...almost as bad as emos cutting themselves. heather even asked if i was crying. hella funny.
i'll post pictures once i steal them from jessica [cuz im an idiot and left my camera in my car].
however, other than our awesome costumes, the dance sucked. you know who else sucks? ...
and ewwwwww. colin. ewwww. that was so wrong. why would you do that to me?! and then 5 minutes later ask me to dance...after you did that thinggg! ughhh! ewww!
jordan = why?
costume contest...tiffany wright: "SHE'S A JUNIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" haha. so basically anyone could have gotten in.
hmm...so in total i backed out of...1...2...3...4...costumes. but thats because emo = the crying shit.
we even sat on the floor in semi-fetal positions for a little while. it was so emo. rox0rz.
[edit - 2ish...set back your clocks, dumbasses]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i hateeeee thisssss! im dyingggg!
"you need to do chores! you shouldn't have gone to that dance! blah blah blah!"
that would be my lovely mother's take on my life. maybe she should just tell me that i can't have fun. maybe she doesn't realize that i practically come straight home after every dance instead of going to parties and getting wasted like my peers. maybe she doesn't realize that i'm more responsible and independent than most people my age...and most people older than i am. maybe she doesn't realize that out of her four children, i'm the only one that doesn't have her rewrite my essays and do my spanish homework for me. [not that i have spanish anymore...] even my 20 year old brother has her do his spanish for him. it's ridiculous. maybe she doesn't realize that sometimes i have too many responsibilities. maybe she doesn't realize that i rarely go out. maybe she doesn't realize that my life consists of stress from everything. maybe she doesn't realize how crappy things have been since she took away swimming. maybe she doesn't realize that i exist as a kid...not as someone she can dump all her shit on.
my siblings are so dependent. i'm so fucking independent. i'm sick of it, too. for a while i was like "oh! im so cool because i can hold my own ground in life!" but now i'm realizing that this is all bullshit. i've completely blocked out parts of my childhood because i can't take it. i've completely blocked out parts of my life because i can't take it.
i can't even convince myself to grow-up because that's what i'm trying to avoid. that's what i'm tired of doing. that's what i wish i could take back. i grew up too fast.
alright...done with my victimizing. i've gotta get over this.
fuck her. i don't want that fucking food so why should i make it for everyone else? if she suggests making fucking muffins, then she should fucking make them. it's not like their neccessary for her diet. every little thing just gets to me now. fucking lame.
[edit again...] i can't do my essays because i suck at college already. annndd i might have to take my sister and her friends trick-or-treating. what a wonderful life i lead. by the way, hamlet blows. i just finished scene two...i was supposed to have read that last week. now i have to read 3 and 4...eff that.
what is this? like the third [edit]? yeah. i think so. because i have no point in life. i can't write my college essays...and it's not because i suck, it's not because i have self-diagnosed a.d.d, it's not because i don't know what to write...it's because i don't want my parents reading my essays. i don't know why. my mom always butchers what i write, and while she believes she's helping me word it better and whatnot, she's really changing the meaning. i hate that. she still has no idea what my kairos talk was about...and thank god i think she's forgotten that i even did one. wow. kairos still occupies my mind. it's crazy. i was looking at the pics on my wall the other day and i can't believe that in three days everything was through...in two, i had given my talk...absolutely insane. and i'd still like to know who was talking about my talk because people asked to read it. such a weird experience.
ugh. my mother is home. i hate when she comes home. it's a constant ... i dont even know what to call it. she's always criticizing me and verbally abusing me. i can't take it. why does she have to bring me down? why do i let her bring me down? it has awful affects. i want to move out. get emancipated or something. there's no point in staying here longer than i have to. i could live out of my car...no shame. i could deal. it's better than this, at the least. i think one day, i'll write a novel about what a baby i am yet at the same time how fast i've had to grow up. sometimes i look at my sister and wonder if she'll wind up the same way i have. we seem to be my mother's prey. i can't understand why. and what kills me is that we can't really do much about it except stand there and take it. even when i fight back, things just seem to get worse.
i don't know why i'm writing so much today. maybe it's cuz everything is crashing. something is breaking away. you know that whole new-chapter-in-your-life-thing? yeah...those things suck. capturing the spirit of something that doesn't completely exist. watching everything fall to pieces. letting go. moving on. caring when you don't want to. life's tough. and sometimes fighting back just isn't enough.
adios.