Ladies and Gentlemen of the board....

[hawkthehunter]

You know what? I"m starting to think the sniveling, groveling, subservient lifestyle I have known most of my life is seriously NOT worth it.......I'm aware I'm being a bit hypocritical at the moment, but whatever, I guess I will be, cause I feel like bitching. I've spent much of my life trying to change myself, trying to learn what to say and how to say it depending on the situation, I've spent my life as a fucking chameleon, changing my colors to whatever mood or situation suited the people and places I happened to be around at the time. I've spent my life with NO face of my own, NO life of my own, and sometimes, no CHOICES of my own, or at least its certainly felt that way. I found it easier to let others influence my decisions, to conform to what I thought others wanted to see in me.... and you know what? I'm getting pretty fucking sick of it. I don't hate everyone, don't get me wrong, I"m just a tad bitter right now, cause I'm starting to rebel, to make my own views more apparent than I used to, to TRY to be more informed than I used to be. I realize you have to be careful not to suddenly put yourself on a pedestal, and think that you have the only true ideals worth giving a crap about, but at the same time I want a "ME"! I've spent so long trying to be who everyone else wanted to be, I have NO clue who the hell I am! This certainly isn't worth abandoning very valuable friendships and camaraderies that I've developed over the years, but it might be worth my time to reevaluate some of these. I've come to learn a very basic truth in this world, when it comes to people, to life, to existence itself, it all seems to come down to one fundamental aspect: will. The sheer will to live by your own desires, or to be shaped by the desires of others, or some of both, its all about choice, and while I"m afraid my choice to become a bit more ballsy, a bit more extroverted when I can, a bit more...things I"m not used to being, might alienate some of my friends, and I don't wish to hurt or lose them, I think this is way to important to just let it pass, I WANT to be my own person, and part of that will be figuring out exactly who "my own person" is....and hell, that's subject to change, too, I'm aware of this, I just want to feel as though for once, whatever identity I embody was MY choice, and no one else's. I'm tired of being a walking mat and a "yes" boy, accept me for ME, damn it, world! just as soon as I figure out exactly who and what "me" is.....

This is HawkTheHunter (I want to hug the universe while insulting its mother at the same time)

Signing off!