been forever, its ranting time
Yo whoever cares what I"m thinking and feeling, long time no entry. Summer's winding down, and I"ve had about all the relaxing I can take, considering most of it has consisted of summer classes, and looking for jobs (coughbullshitcough). Not trying to be funny, just lazy I guess, I know I need to find work, make a carrer for myself, choose a major, and blah blah blah, but its harder than you think to find the drive to do all those things. Until recently, I was perfectly content to just sit on my ass and blast away at virtual monsters and demons, watch star trek and old james bond movies, stuff my face full of goldfish crackers and freezie pops, and just sorta ferment in my apartment. Heh, with my short attention span, I'll no doubt find another game to keep me occupied again, but I'm starting to get tired of this pattern, this trend, I DO want to be something more than just a strange college boy bound to stay in this loop of laziness and gluttony for the rest of his life, but its very hard to stay focused, I just don't KNOW what i want to do w/ my life. The most I"ve ever figured out for sure is that I want to is help people, HOW I plan to do that, and where, and all that other stuff, haven't got a clue, its not so much the pressure of being told that i need to decide these things by my parents and peers, if anything, I jsut want to jump that hurdle so I can get on w/ the other parts of my life I still care for a whole lot more than the busy work and monotony that often comes w/ a carrer and an "adult" life. I want to get that over with, finish school, get a job, and get into yet another routine again so taht I can be "safe" with my videogames, or whatever else I choose to distract myself with, I just don't like having such an ominous obligation hanging over my head. I missed out on some of childhood cause I was trying to be an adult.. now my adolescent/adult years are being detracte from cause I feel like I"m just learning to appreciate being a kid.... the problem is, growing up has given me some knowledge and expierence that tells me my logic is flawed. I know that I need to grow up sooner or later, but I really resent that fact, we all grow up waay to fast, I want more time, I want to get to enjoy this life that i"m only just now really starting to figure out, but it seems the moment I begin to understand myself and my world, my world starts moving again, and I either pack up my stuff and move out of my comfort zone, or stay there and wither and diminish. Life certainly is a bitch sometimes, but in a way, that's part of the reason I love it, I mean, its not predictable, there's always new suprises waiting around every corner, if nothing else, hey, it does give you something to live for, the next day, tommrow, whatever it might hold... lol, I'm a counselor now! or one of those self help book authors. But neways, yeah, lifes movin on, and I need to as well if I expect to be able to really get the full of what life has to offer, but I don't wanna, I like where I am now, and a part of me is even afraid of the unknown, I guess I know I should step forward... I just can't at this time think of any good reason to, any advice to that quandry is welcome. Beyond that, went and saw a show, ....it was interesting, also ordered pizza tonight, enjoyed that... maybe more than the show? dunno, give the cast some credit, besides, I wasn't hungry at the time.. so I'd say they were a little better than the pizza, but just a little, lol, I'd defend my statemnts w/ some elaborate excuse or explaination, but you knwo what? screw that! if you've bothered to read this you should have been prepared to hear me tell it like I see's it, unadulterated and unedited, so there! *sigh of relief* that felt good, other than that, and finishing up summer, I guess i"M simply ready to move on, to get out of my rut, and to see what lies around the next bend, can't think of a good way to end this, so I'll just say cheerio to whoever might read my insane gibberings, farewell to thee.
Scott
Scott