(no subject)
Dear Self,
I find myself conflicted. Whether to have faith, and trust, or not to trust. I am concerned. Years ago, I once watched Kaitlyn speaking with her ex partner, early in our engagement. Curious as to the nature of the conversation, I asked her what she was doing. And she replied that a girlfriend of her's, Peggy was talking with her. I wondered if she was truly interested in a relationship with me for who I was, and not just as a convenience, The concern ate at me for a week before finally confronting Kaitlyn about it. She expressed regret for being dishonest, and told me she would not talk to him any longer. To clarify, it is the dishonesty that concerns me, and not her relationship with her ex partner. I understand the desire to have friends, and to keep friends, regardless of what experiences have transpired. In any case, my trust in Kaitlyn became whole for some time. I did not care or need to believe that she would truly discontinue her friendship with him. I know he probably wouldn't let that happen in any case, he seems as though he maintains relationships with his prior engagements, at least in my limited experience with him.
More than two years transpired, and on our trip in Oregon, halfway through our week long get away, I noticed a recently received, and unread email from Todd on Kaitlyn's tablet while helping her with her email app. I didn't mention anything until I noticed her swipe the conversation away quickly after returning the tablet to her. The tablet was facing her, but from the location and motion of her hand on the device, I was certain what had happened. Sure enough, the email was gone next I had a chance to look over her shoulder. Moments later, and as soon as I found a chance, I mentioned that I noticed the email, and asked what they had been discussing. I felt like it was by business to know, because I immediately questioned her motive in moving the email. I thought it was to hide it from me. She replied that he had contacted her after breaking up with his girlfriend. The fact that she would entertain a conversation in light of that was insulting. But I felt like I could at least sympathize with her desire, anyway no harm to foul. She told me that she would not talk to him anymore because it obviously upset me,
Three days later, at the airport on our way back home, I couldn't resist the urge to check her phone when she went to the bathroom, and saw that she had still been talking to him. She had said something like "my last email was rife with mistakes" which had me thinking heavily on the possibility that she had been reviewing her conversation with him for some reason.
I confronted her in the middle of the night a day later, because the thought of all this had be extremely anxious and sleepless. I told her how I felt, and told her that it worried me that she appeared to be trying to hide something, and on top of that, doing the opposite of what she said. She said she felt ashamed. Neither of us acknowledged the fact that her communication with Todd had continued against her word. My trust has wavered and I continue to think about this.
Several days after having returned from our trip, I looked at her email app, and saw that she had deleted her conversations with Todd. I don't know if it's a sign of a resolve to maintain secrecy, or to keep him out of mind.
I am anxious.
I find myself conflicted. Whether to have faith, and trust, or not to trust. I am concerned. Years ago, I once watched Kaitlyn speaking with her ex partner, early in our engagement. Curious as to the nature of the conversation, I asked her what she was doing. And she replied that a girlfriend of her's, Peggy was talking with her. I wondered if she was truly interested in a relationship with me for who I was, and not just as a convenience, The concern ate at me for a week before finally confronting Kaitlyn about it. She expressed regret for being dishonest, and told me she would not talk to him any longer. To clarify, it is the dishonesty that concerns me, and not her relationship with her ex partner. I understand the desire to have friends, and to keep friends, regardless of what experiences have transpired. In any case, my trust in Kaitlyn became whole for some time. I did not care or need to believe that she would truly discontinue her friendship with him. I know he probably wouldn't let that happen in any case, he seems as though he maintains relationships with his prior engagements, at least in my limited experience with him.
More than two years transpired, and on our trip in Oregon, halfway through our week long get away, I noticed a recently received, and unread email from Todd on Kaitlyn's tablet while helping her with her email app. I didn't mention anything until I noticed her swipe the conversation away quickly after returning the tablet to her. The tablet was facing her, but from the location and motion of her hand on the device, I was certain what had happened. Sure enough, the email was gone next I had a chance to look over her shoulder. Moments later, and as soon as I found a chance, I mentioned that I noticed the email, and asked what they had been discussing. I felt like it was by business to know, because I immediately questioned her motive in moving the email. I thought it was to hide it from me. She replied that he had contacted her after breaking up with his girlfriend. The fact that she would entertain a conversation in light of that was insulting. But I felt like I could at least sympathize with her desire, anyway no harm to foul. She told me that she would not talk to him anymore because it obviously upset me,
Three days later, at the airport on our way back home, I couldn't resist the urge to check her phone when she went to the bathroom, and saw that she had still been talking to him. She had said something like "my last email was rife with mistakes" which had me thinking heavily on the possibility that she had been reviewing her conversation with him for some reason.
I confronted her in the middle of the night a day later, because the thought of all this had be extremely anxious and sleepless. I told her how I felt, and told her that it worried me that she appeared to be trying to hide something, and on top of that, doing the opposite of what she said. She said she felt ashamed. Neither of us acknowledged the fact that her communication with Todd had continued against her word. My trust has wavered and I continue to think about this.
Several days after having returned from our trip, I looked at her email app, and saw that she had deleted her conversations with Todd. I don't know if it's a sign of a resolve to maintain secrecy, or to keep him out of mind.
I am anxious.