(no subject)
Do you ever feel like you're there, but not really at the same time? Like you're on the other side of a glass window looking in on someone else's conversation? I just realized that lately I've been drifting through life in a dreamlike state of mind, just going through the motions without really participating. Tonight someone brought up a conversation that took place at a dinner I was at two weeks ago...a conversation I don't recall AT ALL even though I was sitting directly across the table from the person telling the stories. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't asleep....where the hell was I? I feel like I'm slowly losing grip on what little life I have. It doesn't even feel like my life anymore. I cut corners in whatever I do because I'm lazy. I read an e-mail from a friend and intend on replying but tell myself I'll do it later, because I don't feel like generating a thoughtful response at the time, but then I keep putting it off until later becomes 2 weeks ago and it's too late. I dunno, call me crazy, but I feel like everyone's lives have zoomed forward to bigger and better things but I'm left behind in their wake. I just feel so helpless to change that though. I mean, I've tried so hard to apply for jobs and act aggressive and peppy in interviews....isn't that what they're all looking for these days? But to no avail...even though that's not me. I can't get a job being me and I can't get one being someone else. What do I do now?
I guess I'm still waiting for my moment in the sun, the time when things go great for me and everything I've ever wanted and deserve just falls into place. Maybe then I'll feel like part of the world again. I'm not asking for a million dollars, Brad Pitt and a career as a highly sought after something or other. I'm asking for a shred of happiness in an otherwise pointless life. Do I not deserve that? What makes other people so deserving of that but not me?
I smile because that's what I've always been told to do. Be nice to everyone, treat them as you'd like to be treated, put on a pretty face. It's so hard to smile when all you wanna do is scream a big "Fuck you!" or "Shut up!" at someone. It's so hard to look at life with a positive attitude when life's given you nothing but grief and pain. Pain and grief take a person down into such a dark, empty numbness that a simple joke or funny story is never enough to bring them back. A hug that lacks understanding and true compassion is useless. I'm not sure that I ever came back from that place...or even know how to get back. Even in a crowded room of my closest friends I feel alone. No one knows my secrets, what's really playing on the screen behind my eyes. It's been a solid year and a half but there is no getting over it. There never will be. I'm hyper-sensitive to the whole thing. The slightest mention of the loss of a parent, or even loved one, makes my face feel hot and I have to bite my lip. A funeral scene in a movie triggers flashbacks. I can't visit my grandpa in the nursing home because his condition reminds me of her. I know it's normal to remember huge events like that forever but I find myself reliving everything in my head without warning. I remember exactly what I was wearing, exactly what time it was, exactly how she looked and exactly what people said and did. Exactly....as if I were living it all over again. I can't escape it. Can't even go an hour without. I thought I'd learned how to cope and adjust to this new me but I'm still trying to figure out who that is. All I know is that I'm not me right now and I'm not sure if I ever will be again. An adapted version of me, yes, eventually. But, nevertheless, never really me. If that makes sense. It's really difficult to verbally express something that can't be put into words.