Reality check
I need to ask some questions very openly and ask everyone to reply honestly. I don't want anyone pulling punches cause they are afraid they are going to hurt my feelings. I'm going through a really bad time right now for a variety of reasons, which I will list here in no particular order.
1) Bankruptcy. I had to file bankruptcy because I couldn't pay all the personal and business bills I had racked up. This hasn't been helping my mood, in fact, on the 15th of Oct, I have my 341 hearing with the creditors. The final discharge isn't until Dec 15th. Once completed, it will be very hard for me to get a new house or even an apartment. Can't rent a car with no credit card, etc.
2) Parents. Both parents have been ill, my mom with an immune disorder and my dad with prostate cancer. Dad will start a long series of treatments this month, and mom has been undergoing treatments every month for the last few years. I worry about them a lot. They are in Sherman and it is hard for me to get there as much as I should. Partly cause I hate the drive to be honest.
3) House. The house is not in the best of shape, and needs work done to it. There is a never ending stream of expenses, and it is dragging me down financially as well as emotionally. The front yard constantly goes to crud because I can't water it all the time. Can't water it cause the sprinklers keep breaking. Can't fix the sprinklers cause I dont have any money. Grrr.
4) Work. Lately, I have been having to put in longer and longer hours again due to special projects relating to the department and federal/state funding. I'm not supposed to be directly involved with these projects, but recent events have forced me into it. Now I am on a 24/7 callout list in the event of an emergency. Bleah. Was being considered for a job in Austin, that I turned down because it would have affected my retirement negatively.
5) Social life. Seems the harder I try to get out and be social, the worse I am at it. Am I trying to hard? Is it because people really don't want to see me? And are just too polite to tell me?
6) Yiffiness. Yep, you knew this one had to be there. And this one is a real kicker. At 38, I am more yiffy now, then I have been in years. My mate has done a lot to bring that side of myself out, but in a way, I think it has driven a wedge between us because he doesn't have as strong a drive as I do.
7) The Mate. Don't even know where to begin. I'm confused. I think I am making headway and being what he wants, and yet, somehow, I fail at it. Over and over again. He bought me a rose the other day and I was amazed. He has been physically more caressing, we've been going out and doing things. Even during Six Flags everything was ok until we were leaving. He and I were even talking about my looking for some special items in San Antonio next week. Then as we leave, I didn't hear him talking to me. It was raining, I was in horsie mode, and was slugging straight for the wheels. He doesn't talk the whole drive home, and when I ask him if he is still mad at me, he replies "of course". When I tell him later I am sorry I didn't hear him, he replies "It is far more than that. I'm not going to discuss it with you now". Then he posts in his LJ that he is moving out. *sigh* I guess I suck at being a caring loving mate as well.
8) Cats. 7 of them to be specific. I have 7 very affectionate fur balls that love to be underfoot and involved with the humans all the time. Problem is that it is getting harder and harder for me to keep care of them. Food costs, litter costs, etc. And they help lock me into the house, because there is no way I could move into an apartment with all of them. Too cramped and the deposits would kill me.
9) Roomies. That is another adventure. I have one roomie who isn't working, one who is but is moving out immediately (see 7), and another one who is going to be moving as fast as he can to Houston. Thanks to the bankruptcy, my finances are almost level. But without the extra income, I am still bleeding money as fast as I make it. No savings, no spare. Just pay the bills.
So there ya go. As many problems as I can post out in a quick nutshell. And the real me.
So here are the questions ... What do you think of me? What would you do in my shoes? Would it be better for all involved for me to bury myself back in the sand and go away? Should I continue to try being social and see how many other people I can alienate? How many of you am I already offending and you are just too polite to say it? Do I ignore others when they talk to me? Do I refuse to help when asked? Do I help too much? Am I not sociable enough?
I really need some input here people. I'm more miserable right now than I have been in years. And I mean that very seriously. I done did the crying all night thing. Already zipped through the sucidal phase, and past the angry phase. So now we are at the "I must be a really big jerk and it is all my fault phase". All posts will be screened, if you don't want it public, tell me in your reply. Don't pull punches, tell me what you really think. Thank you in advance.
1) Bankruptcy. I had to file bankruptcy because I couldn't pay all the personal and business bills I had racked up. This hasn't been helping my mood, in fact, on the 15th of Oct, I have my 341 hearing with the creditors. The final discharge isn't until Dec 15th. Once completed, it will be very hard for me to get a new house or even an apartment. Can't rent a car with no credit card, etc.
2) Parents. Both parents have been ill, my mom with an immune disorder and my dad with prostate cancer. Dad will start a long series of treatments this month, and mom has been undergoing treatments every month for the last few years. I worry about them a lot. They are in Sherman and it is hard for me to get there as much as I should. Partly cause I hate the drive to be honest.
3) House. The house is not in the best of shape, and needs work done to it. There is a never ending stream of expenses, and it is dragging me down financially as well as emotionally. The front yard constantly goes to crud because I can't water it all the time. Can't water it cause the sprinklers keep breaking. Can't fix the sprinklers cause I dont have any money. Grrr.
4) Work. Lately, I have been having to put in longer and longer hours again due to special projects relating to the department and federal/state funding. I'm not supposed to be directly involved with these projects, but recent events have forced me into it. Now I am on a 24/7 callout list in the event of an emergency. Bleah. Was being considered for a job in Austin, that I turned down because it would have affected my retirement negatively.
5) Social life. Seems the harder I try to get out and be social, the worse I am at it. Am I trying to hard? Is it because people really don't want to see me? And are just too polite to tell me?
6) Yiffiness. Yep, you knew this one had to be there. And this one is a real kicker. At 38, I am more yiffy now, then I have been in years. My mate has done a lot to bring that side of myself out, but in a way, I think it has driven a wedge between us because he doesn't have as strong a drive as I do.
7) The Mate. Don't even know where to begin. I'm confused. I think I am making headway and being what he wants, and yet, somehow, I fail at it. Over and over again. He bought me a rose the other day and I was amazed. He has been physically more caressing, we've been going out and doing things. Even during Six Flags everything was ok until we were leaving. He and I were even talking about my looking for some special items in San Antonio next week. Then as we leave, I didn't hear him talking to me. It was raining, I was in horsie mode, and was slugging straight for the wheels. He doesn't talk the whole drive home, and when I ask him if he is still mad at me, he replies "of course". When I tell him later I am sorry I didn't hear him, he replies "It is far more than that. I'm not going to discuss it with you now". Then he posts in his LJ that he is moving out. *sigh* I guess I suck at being a caring loving mate as well.
8) Cats. 7 of them to be specific. I have 7 very affectionate fur balls that love to be underfoot and involved with the humans all the time. Problem is that it is getting harder and harder for me to keep care of them. Food costs, litter costs, etc. And they help lock me into the house, because there is no way I could move into an apartment with all of them. Too cramped and the deposits would kill me.
9) Roomies. That is another adventure. I have one roomie who isn't working, one who is but is moving out immediately (see 7), and another one who is going to be moving as fast as he can to Houston. Thanks to the bankruptcy, my finances are almost level. But without the extra income, I am still bleeding money as fast as I make it. No savings, no spare. Just pay the bills.
So there ya go. As many problems as I can post out in a quick nutshell. And the real me.
So here are the questions ... What do you think of me? What would you do in my shoes? Would it be better for all involved for me to bury myself back in the sand and go away? Should I continue to try being social and see how many other people I can alienate? How many of you am I already offending and you are just too polite to say it? Do I ignore others when they talk to me? Do I refuse to help when asked? Do I help too much? Am I not sociable enough?
I really need some input here people. I'm more miserable right now than I have been in years. And I mean that very seriously. I done did the crying all night thing. Already zipped through the sucidal phase, and past the angry phase. So now we are at the "I must be a really big jerk and it is all my fault phase". All posts will be screened, if you don't want it public, tell me in your reply. Don't pull punches, tell me what you really think. Thank you in advance.