Everyone's a Critic
There are a lot of decent-looking movies coming out this summer. Knowing which ones to spend your money on can be a hassle. Which is why I have decided it is time for my Summer Blockbuster Movie Preview! My Summer Blockbuster Movie Preview gives my initial opinions on movies I haven’t technically seen yet in the hopes that YOU, the consumer, can more easily chose which ones you want to spend your $10 on. Well, really more like $15 or $16 if you want popcorn. Oh and popcorn makes your throat kinda dry, so you might want to get a soda too. Actually, we can make that a combo for you for only $3 more…
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my Summer Blockbuster Movie Preview. Now, some of you might think that July is a little late for a Summer Blockbuster Movie Preview, but we all know you’re just going to pirate all of these movies off the internet anyway. So without further ado, let’s begin with…
Ratatouille: Pixar’s latest animated film about a rat living in Paris who wishes to become a great gourmet chef. This mousy connoisseur teaches today’s youth about the importance of food. I say, it’s about time. Today’s youth simply don’t eat enough. The film also has a great message: always pursue your dreams, even if the French try to stop you.
Prediction: 5 obscure French dishes out of 5
Live Free or Die Hard: Bruce Willis returns as John McClane in this fourth installment of the Die Hard franchise. Willis sets out to prove that even the middle-aged can save the world. The movie’s villain wants to destroy the “digital infrastructure” of America. “The Mac Guy” plays one of the heroes. Subliminal message from Steve Jobs? Possibly.
Prediction: 4 yippee ki yays out of 5
Transformers: An action film in the same vein as Live Free or Die Hard, but with robots. Glorious, transforming robots. And while this picture may appear to be nothing more than eye candy, it does raise some very important questions. Like, is my Honda actually an evil alien robot bent on the destruction of mankind? And, if it still gets good gas mileage, does it really matter?
Prediction: 4 stars that only look like stars out of 5
License to Wed: The almost always over-the-top Robin Williams plays an over-the-top preacher who puts an engaged couple (played by Mandy Moore and The Office’s John Krasinski) through a rigorous marriage course to determine if they are ready to become man and wife. But who cares really? Listen John Krasinski, I don’t care about your fictitious relationship with Mandy Moore. I care about your fictitious relationship with Pam. When are Jim and Pam getting together, dammit?!?
Prediction: 2 we’ve seen it all before romantic comedies out of 5
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter!!!!!! Ahem. Uh yeah…this movie is going to rock.
Prediction: 5 hopefully epic Ministry of Magic battles out of 5
Hairspray: A historical piece taking place in the 1960s when everyone had strange hairstyles and sang and danced a lot. It was a kinder, simpler time. Ok, this musical looks strange, but I can’t help but be intrigued by it. There’s something about John Travolta dressed up as a fat woman…
Prediction: 3 cross dressing actors out of 5
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: Why Adam Sandler? Why?!? You are a funny man, and a good actor. Spanglish was an intelligent and amazing film. Why do you insist on doing these movies in which the target audience is 12-year-old boys? Now don’t get me wrong. Happy Gilmore: fantastic. The Wedding Singer: a comedic triumph. But it’s getting old Sandler. Live up to your potential.
Prediction: 1 there are going to be sooo many gay jokes in this film out of 5
Bourne Ultimatum: Bourne is back…again! And he remembers everything. Or does he?
Prediction: 4 amnesic stars out of 5
Well I hope this edition of my Summer Blockbuster Movie Preview has proven helpful. So I guess I’ll see you at the movies! Err…can I borrow 10 bucks?