Cry Red, Cry!
You know, it finally hit me last night. It was one of those knock-you-off-your-ass type moments. I was at Mollie's, not feeling very well, and all of a sudden it hit me--Adam and I are no longer together. I don't know why it wasn't registering until then, but it finally clicked.
I can honestly say that he was the first person to ever get to me, or even come close to my heart. And it kills me that we're not together; it physically hurts in the most terrible way. Just seeing his picture brings tears to my eyes and it is the worst feeling in the world, knowing that the best thing that's happened to you in a long time, perhaps ever, is now gone. And usually I'm so strong about these types of things, I can shrug it off and pretend like it never happened. But I can't ignore this, as much as I try, I just can't.
Maybe it's the complete humilitation of being rejected, or perhaps my pride that stands in the way, but either way it's impossible for this to be reconcilled. I always avoided relationships for this exact reason, and for one time in my life, a guy got the better part of my heart and broke it. It's as if I was thrown aside like I was garbage, not worth a dime. And this is completely my emotions talking, I'm sure he'd say different, but you can't help what you feel (I always told my dad that when he asked me why Adam and I were together).
And this is probably the most terrible thing you've all heard cross my lips, but I feel so abandoned now. Maybe it was the fact that I felt so safe with Adam, as if he were going to protect me from all the Aaron's of the world, but I can't shake this feeling of loneliness. I have everything a girl could want here, great friends that truly love me and would do anything for me; a wonderful family that I couldn't live without--even though they drive me crazy half the time--but I have no one to give my love and heart to and it breaks my heart just a tiny bit more each time I think about it.
But seriously, the situation is simple--Adam chose not to be with me; No hesitation, no fight, no question. I guess I just need to realize that and move on. It's time to suck up all the tears and get over it. I guess I'll just put up all my walls again, just like before. Question every person that comes into my life, guarding any emotion I have as if it were the air I breathe. Time to get back to what I do best...
I can honestly say that he was the first person to ever get to me, or even come close to my heart. And it kills me that we're not together; it physically hurts in the most terrible way. Just seeing his picture brings tears to my eyes and it is the worst feeling in the world, knowing that the best thing that's happened to you in a long time, perhaps ever, is now gone. And usually I'm so strong about these types of things, I can shrug it off and pretend like it never happened. But I can't ignore this, as much as I try, I just can't.
Maybe it's the complete humilitation of being rejected, or perhaps my pride that stands in the way, but either way it's impossible for this to be reconcilled. I always avoided relationships for this exact reason, and for one time in my life, a guy got the better part of my heart and broke it. It's as if I was thrown aside like I was garbage, not worth a dime. And this is completely my emotions talking, I'm sure he'd say different, but you can't help what you feel (I always told my dad that when he asked me why Adam and I were together).
And this is probably the most terrible thing you've all heard cross my lips, but I feel so abandoned now. Maybe it was the fact that I felt so safe with Adam, as if he were going to protect me from all the Aaron's of the world, but I can't shake this feeling of loneliness. I have everything a girl could want here, great friends that truly love me and would do anything for me; a wonderful family that I couldn't live without--even though they drive me crazy half the time--but I have no one to give my love and heart to and it breaks my heart just a tiny bit more each time I think about it.
But seriously, the situation is simple--Adam chose not to be with me; No hesitation, no fight, no question. I guess I just need to realize that and move on. It's time to suck up all the tears and get over it. I guess I'll just put up all my walls again, just like before. Question every person that comes into my life, guarding any emotion I have as if it were the air I breathe. Time to get back to what I do best...