(no subject)
I feel so small and insecure sometimes.
I am going through something rough. Next year, I won't have a best friend, and I really don't think I can handle that. She's the single person in my entire life that has been 100% there for me. She's never ever let me down, and I don't know where I would be without her. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I can't even tell her about it because I can't think about it without crying. I don't know what to do.
Why did I change my mind so late in the game? I wish I'd started everything a lot earlier than I did. For once, it's not due to procrastination... there was just a major change of plans. And now I'm stuck rushing rushing rushing, and not having any idea what I'm going to do in the first place. I'm so not ready for this.
I feel like crawling in a hole and just staying there. Or running away to live in the mountains by myself, or moving to India or something absolutely crazy. I just need to get away and clear my head. It's so hard to do that when I have to spread myself so thin like I have been lately. And when there's so much continual commotion all the time, with absolutely no breaks. I can't wait until this year is over.
And then I get so scared. I was reading through my baby scrapbook yesterday morning, and I realized... I have already lived 17 whole years, and I'm a completely different person than everyone expected. I'm fine with that. It's not even about that. It's about the fact that I feel like I don't have any control over anything. I can't choose where I want to go to school; I can't choose where I want to work; I can't choose how fast life flies past me unnoticed. I am so scared about growing up and getting old and dying. It's so close, when you think about it! Everything has just seemed so futile. Who the fuck cares what school I go to and how much money I make in my job, and what kind of house I live in, and all that material bullshit. In the end, we leave everything behind. It just seems like there's no point to anything. I need to do some serious soul-searching, I think. I wish I could just wake up one day and know exactly what my purpose in life is, and what I am here for. I don't know.... I just don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel lost and helpless, and I just want to get away from everything.
Why am I such a goddamn gloomy person? I just seriously cannot shake this mood I've had lately. I just feel like there's no point in anything. I am so confused about everything. About life, what to do next, even what to do right now. I need a serious vacation and a fuck ton of vodka.
Any takers? :D
/end rant.
I am going through something rough. Next year, I won't have a best friend, and I really don't think I can handle that. She's the single person in my entire life that has been 100% there for me. She's never ever let me down, and I don't know where I would be without her. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I can't even tell her about it because I can't think about it without crying. I don't know what to do.
Why did I change my mind so late in the game? I wish I'd started everything a lot earlier than I did. For once, it's not due to procrastination... there was just a major change of plans. And now I'm stuck rushing rushing rushing, and not having any idea what I'm going to do in the first place. I'm so not ready for this.
I feel like crawling in a hole and just staying there. Or running away to live in the mountains by myself, or moving to India or something absolutely crazy. I just need to get away and clear my head. It's so hard to do that when I have to spread myself so thin like I have been lately. And when there's so much continual commotion all the time, with absolutely no breaks. I can't wait until this year is over.
And then I get so scared. I was reading through my baby scrapbook yesterday morning, and I realized... I have already lived 17 whole years, and I'm a completely different person than everyone expected. I'm fine with that. It's not even about that. It's about the fact that I feel like I don't have any control over anything. I can't choose where I want to go to school; I can't choose where I want to work; I can't choose how fast life flies past me unnoticed. I am so scared about growing up and getting old and dying. It's so close, when you think about it! Everything has just seemed so futile. Who the fuck cares what school I go to and how much money I make in my job, and what kind of house I live in, and all that material bullshit. In the end, we leave everything behind. It just seems like there's no point to anything. I need to do some serious soul-searching, I think. I wish I could just wake up one day and know exactly what my purpose in life is, and what I am here for. I don't know.... I just don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel lost and helpless, and I just want to get away from everything.
Why am I such a goddamn gloomy person? I just seriously cannot shake this mood I've had lately. I just feel like there's no point in anything. I am so confused about everything. About life, what to do next, even what to do right now. I need a serious vacation and a fuck ton of vodka.
Any takers? :D
/end rant.