I just really need to write this all down.
I don't really even know where to start anymore. Just these past weeks I've been so down on myself and so lacking in just about everything. I don't have the motivation to RP, to draw, to sew, to do anything. I just feel like sitting around and playing videogames. Which isn't a bad thing, I mean, everyone has lazy streaks, right? But this is more than me just saying "I wanna veg out today." Usually I'll have a idgaf night maybe once a week, on the weekend and I'll hang out with friends or stay up late or whatever. But I've felt like this for a while now. I've felt bored, sleepy, and maybe even depressed for the better half of September. I don't even know why. I want to tag and be creative and do fun stuff, but my brain is just DEAD.
And then, what concerns me most, is I've had anxiety dragging me down more than usual. It's been on my mind for a long time now, especially since I've started to make more friends and be more adventurous with RP and such. I love playing, I really do. I have for years. But this anxiety is why I drop threads so often (even outside of RP, I end conversation threads on LJ and such without warning because of this), and then I panic about dropping threads, and it just goes in a big fucking circle.
As some of you may know, I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (diagnosed) and probably an anxiety disorder, but I've never had one diagnosed. I'm not trying to ask for pity, but I want to explain why I think such crazy things. I'm not ritualistic like some people with OCD are (I do have ticks, they're just not as bad as others'), instead, I'm more on the Obsessive side. As in, my mind is constantly running and dwelling on things that I can't dispel from my mind. Now this is a whole other can of worms, but it relates int he fact that one of my obsessions is dealing with embarrassment and leaving bad impressions. I don't think I can remember the last time I've had a conversation with someone where I didn't think "Fuck, I wish I had said that differently," "Nice job stuttering, I bet they think you don't know what you're talking about," etc. after I was done. I'm just concerned about the way people think of me. I'm too concerned about that. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but that's why I make so many mistakes.
I don't comment on other people's Plurks because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a weirdo who doesn't know how to mind her own business. I don't tag people that I want to tag because I'm afraid they'll think my idea is stupid. I don't steal/tag memes because I'm afraid people will go, "Why is she tagging this? She has backtags to do." I don't log onto AIM much because I never talk to anyone. I'm just not the type of person that will start an IM conversation. I'm not ignoring anyone, in fact, all I want- all I want is to make a few good friends. I want to be able to chat with a group of bros, I want to be able to geek out, I want my characters to have CR with other people, I want to write plots, I want to go on adventures... I want to be brave. I don't want to be scared of making myself look like a jackass anymore.
I drop threads so often because, as I said earlier, I like to take off maybe one or two days out of the week by myself. Pile that on with me being such a slow tagger, and by the time I log back on and look at my inbox, I go, "Oh this person probably has forgotten about me. I hardly think they'd want me to revive a dead thread." And yes I KNOW that a freaking two day wait between tags doesn't make a thread dead, but that's just.. how I panic. I've always been that way.
I don't want people to think that I'm ignoring them either. That's why I'm fucking forcing myself to tag, even if I'm behind by a week. You know what? If they don't want to reply, they don't have to. I'll post an OOC apology, but I'm trying to damnedest to keep tagging even if I'm scared that people will think I'm a nuisance.
But that doesn't relieve the anxiety I STILL have over threads I'm hoarding in my inbox from months ago. I have OOC conversations too! I fucking had several opportunities to make new friends and new RP partners, and I fucking blew it by getting sick and then slacking off and being a pansy. And I feel fucking awful for that. Would it be rude to reply anyways? What do I even say? "Oh, sorry for blowing you off for a month, it looks really bad considering I joined a game and WAS online during that time, but I swear I wasn't ignoring you, I'm just a flake who can't keep her shit together?" Seriously, fuck.
I still haven't even added everyone from the contact list in the game I'm in. It's a basic communication list, why am I so scared to add people? Fuck everything.
I just don't know anymore. I hate fretting over every little thing. I don't think I'm a bad friend or a bad person, but I just get so hung up on little things that I end up looking like a jerk. I want to talk to everyone. I want to make friends. I'm just scared to.
And then, what concerns me most, is I've had anxiety dragging me down more than usual. It's been on my mind for a long time now, especially since I've started to make more friends and be more adventurous with RP and such. I love playing, I really do. I have for years. But this anxiety is why I drop threads so often (even outside of RP, I end conversation threads on LJ and such without warning because of this), and then I panic about dropping threads, and it just goes in a big fucking circle.
As some of you may know, I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (diagnosed) and probably an anxiety disorder, but I've never had one diagnosed. I'm not trying to ask for pity, but I want to explain why I think such crazy things. I'm not ritualistic like some people with OCD are (I do have ticks, they're just not as bad as others'), instead, I'm more on the Obsessive side. As in, my mind is constantly running and dwelling on things that I can't dispel from my mind. Now this is a whole other can of worms, but it relates int he fact that one of my obsessions is dealing with embarrassment and leaving bad impressions. I don't think I can remember the last time I've had a conversation with someone where I didn't think "Fuck, I wish I had said that differently," "Nice job stuttering, I bet they think you don't know what you're talking about," etc. after I was done. I'm just concerned about the way people think of me. I'm too concerned about that. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but that's why I make so many mistakes.
I don't comment on other people's Plurks because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a weirdo who doesn't know how to mind her own business. I don't tag people that I want to tag because I'm afraid they'll think my idea is stupid. I don't steal/tag memes because I'm afraid people will go, "Why is she tagging this? She has backtags to do." I don't log onto AIM much because I never talk to anyone. I'm just not the type of person that will start an IM conversation. I'm not ignoring anyone, in fact, all I want- all I want is to make a few good friends. I want to be able to chat with a group of bros, I want to be able to geek out, I want my characters to have CR with other people, I want to write plots, I want to go on adventures... I want to be brave. I don't want to be scared of making myself look like a jackass anymore.
I drop threads so often because, as I said earlier, I like to take off maybe one or two days out of the week by myself. Pile that on with me being such a slow tagger, and by the time I log back on and look at my inbox, I go, "Oh this person probably has forgotten about me. I hardly think they'd want me to revive a dead thread." And yes I KNOW that a freaking two day wait between tags doesn't make a thread dead, but that's just.. how I panic. I've always been that way.
I don't want people to think that I'm ignoring them either. That's why I'm fucking forcing myself to tag, even if I'm behind by a week. You know what? If they don't want to reply, they don't have to. I'll post an OOC apology, but I'm trying to damnedest to keep tagging even if I'm scared that people will think I'm a nuisance.
But that doesn't relieve the anxiety I STILL have over threads I'm hoarding in my inbox from months ago. I have OOC conversations too! I fucking had several opportunities to make new friends and new RP partners, and I fucking blew it by getting sick and then slacking off and being a pansy. And I feel fucking awful for that. Would it be rude to reply anyways? What do I even say? "Oh, sorry for blowing you off for a month, it looks really bad considering I joined a game and WAS online during that time, but I swear I wasn't ignoring you, I'm just a flake who can't keep her shit together?" Seriously, fuck.
I still haven't even added everyone from the contact list in the game I'm in. It's a basic communication list, why am I so scared to add people? Fuck everything.
I just don't know anymore. I hate fretting over every little thing. I don't think I'm a bad friend or a bad person, but I just get so hung up on little things that I end up looking like a jerk. I want to talk to everyone. I want to make friends. I'm just scared to.