[fic] the syntax of things (Lorne/McKay, Heightmeyer/Weir) [PG]
Title: the syntax of things
Author: havocthecat
Pairing: McKay/Lorne, Heightmeyer/Weir
Warnings: Homophobic attitudes displayed by John Sheppard.
Author's Notes: Written for puddle_jumper2 for sg_rarepairings, with the following prompts: "Shep not gay and turns on Rodney, Lorne takes up for Rodney, possibly Lorne and McKay being sent away (angst)." I know that I added an extra pairing in there aside from what you asked for, but I wanted to make it really clear that John? Not so much doing good things. Anyway, thanks muchly to medie, amitee, and racethewind10 for betareading and encouragement! Fic title is from since feeling is first by e.e. cummings.
***
"So you're gay," said John, standing just inside Rodney's room, the door firmly closed behind him. And locked. He'd made sure of that.
"Yes, Sheppard. We've been over this." Rodney had the sheets clutched around him with one hand, and was standing in front of his dresser, rummaging frantically through it until he could grab a pair of boxers and slip them on, fumbling with the sheet the whole time. "I told you I was gay the first week we were on Atlantis."
"Yeah, but I didn't think you meant gay gay," said John. He leaned back against the door. "I thought you just meant, you know--" John waved one hand in a vague gesture.
"What'd you think he meant, Colonel?" asked Lorne, reclining in Rodney's bed, wearing only a pair of shorts, his head pillowed on his arms. "Gay as in happy? Because this is McKay we're talking about here. The man makes a profession out of being miserable."
"You are not being any help here," said Rodney, whirling and pointing at Lorne. He turned back to his dresser and reached for a t-shirt. "I swear, the only way this day could get any worse is if the entire ocean were somehow transmuted into lemon juice."
"If only," said John.
"Do you mind?" asked Rodney, slipping his t-shirt on, then turning back to glare at John.. "You people wouldn't know what to do if I died in a sudden and tragic citrus-related accident. Who'd save your asses on a regular basis?"
"Zelenka," drawled John, crossing his arms. Sometimes it was too easy. "Seriously, Major, put a shirt on or something, will you?"
"I figured I should break a few more rules while I was at it," said Lorne, shrugging. "Since you already caught me in bed with McKay anyway."
"Don't remind me," said John, giving Lorne a scathing look. "The image is indelibly burned on my retinas. Jeez. Couldn't you have, you know, locked the door?"
"We got distracted," said Lorne. He smirked.
"I don't wanna know," said John, shaking his head. "Seriously. How am I gonna avoid reporting you two?"
"Pretend you never saw it," said Lorne. "Trust me, it works. Some of the things I've seen--"
"Like what?" asked John straightening and looking curious.
Rodney blanched. "Oh, you are not going to tell him."
"Why not, honey-bunny?" asked Lorne. He smirked at Rodney, who glared back.
John coughed. Okay, they were gone on each other, in a weird, and oddly macho kind of way. "Enough with the sweet nothings. I don't wanna know any more. Lock your damn doors next time, and don't act stupid and get caught." With that, he whirled around and stormed out the door.
"That went well, don't you think?" he heard Rodney ask before the door closed.
***
"So, hypothetically," said John slowly, after closing the door to Elizabeth's office behind him. "Say you found out something you really didn't wanna know."
"I'd probably do my best to pretend I didn't know it," said Elizabeth, looking up from her laptop and smiling at him. "What's all this about?"
"Nothing," said John quickly. "So, say hypothetically--"
"How about we say this whole conversation is hypothetical, then?" suggested Elizabeth, clasping her hands on her desk, and leaning forward.
"That's probably a really good idea," said John, collapsing into a chair and sprawling out in it. "Say I hypothetically accidentally walked in on Lorne and McKay in bed this morning. What would I do to avoid reporting Lorne under the UCMJ?"
"You know," said Elizabeth slowly. "I think they were exploring one of the more distant Ancient labs yesterday. One of the more biology-oriented ones."
"Hypothetically speaking," added John.
"Hypothetically," agreed Elizabeth.
"So maybe the lab hypothetically turned them gay?" asked John.
"On a temporary basis," said Elizabeth.
"That would explain why Lorne was calling McKay honey-bunny," muttered John, glaring at his boots.
His head snapped up as Elizabeth chuckled. "Seriously?" she asked, covering her mouth with one hand and trying to look solemn again. "That just doesn't sound like either of them."
"No, hypothetically!" said John, letting his head fall back on the chair. "Lorne was being sarcastic with the name calling." He lifted his head and frowned at Elizabeth. "Hypothetically. They'll go back to being straight the instant I walked away, then, with this hypothetical gay-making biology lab thing wearing off, so I don't have to worry?"
"Exactly," said Elizabeth, still trying to look serious.
"I'm not buying it," said John, shaking his head. Not the look or the gay-making bio lab.
"Frankly, I'd think you were pretty gullible if you did," said Elizabeth. "Just ignore it, or I'll end up having to call the IOA and discuss the legalities of an American and a Canadian marrying in another galaxy, and John, if I have to file the paperwork on that, you're going to suffer with me." The flint in her eye said she wasn't kidding.
"What about the military?" asked John. "The Air Force wouldn't be too happy."
"You think the Canadian military wouldn't leap for an officer of Major Lorne's caliber, gay or straight?" asked Elizabeth. "The Canadian ambassador to the IOA would make it her personal mission to convince him to sign up."
"It's a good thing this is all hypothetical," said John.
"You're telling me," said Elizabeth, nodding. "I don't want to hear what General O'Neill would say if Major Lorne became a Canadian citizen."
***
"Bad day?" asked Kate, as Elizabeth walked into her office.
"The worst," she said, sinking down into one of Kate's softer chairs. "John's been having a meltdown all day, worried that Major Lorne and Rodney have suddenly been turned into homosexuals by the Ancient biology labs."
Kate pressed her mouth together. "He what?" she asked, a chuckle escaping. "But they've been together--"
"--since shortly after Ronon came back to Atlantis, I know," said Elizabeth. "I thought everyone knew, and no one was saying anything, but apparently John never found out about it."
"How'd he miss it?" asked Kate
"They have been discreet," said Elizabeth.
"Not when Lucius was on Atlantis," said Kate. "That's when most of us found out."
"Please don't bring that man up again," said Elizabeth, frowning slightly. "He gives me a headache."
Kate shook her head. "Let's not do that, then." She leaned back in her chair, smiling at Elizabeth. "So are you here as Dr. Weir, or as Elizabeth?"
"Dr. Weir, unfortunately," said Elizabeth, tapping the heel of her palm on the chair. "Has John exhibited any homophobic tendencies prior to today?"
"Not at all," said Kate. "Not in any of our interactions that aren't confidential."
"I suppose that's as much of an answer as I can ask for," said Elizabeth, sighing.
"You know how doctor-patient confidentiality rules work, Elizabeth," said Kate.
"I do." Elizabeth nodded. "It's just that I was hoping--"
"--that I could make things a little easier for you?" asked Kate sympathetically. "I"ll do what I can, you know that, but I can't break that trust."
"I did uncover some research while I was going through the Ancient database, looking for ideas on what could have happened," said Elizabeth. "Carson can't make heads or tails of it; he suggested I come to you."
"He did?" Kate's eyebrows lifted.
"You're the resident expert on brain function, after all," said Elizabeth. "Carson's a geneticist. All the data I found relates to your specialty."
"The Ancients had an interest in psychology that wasn't related to Ascension?" asked Kate.
"I'm not sure," said Elizabeth. She held up a small flash drive. "Want to see?"
"Are we breathing oxygen?" asked Kate.
Elizabeth smirked. "I knew you'd say that." She got up and handed the drive to Kate.
"Let's see what we have," murmured Kate, loading the drive and leaning forward.
***
"Find anything?" asked Elizabeth. She'd been leaning over Kate's desk and reading the screen for twenty minutes, and her back was starting to cramp up. At least Kate was making notes on her handheld, though Elizabeth could barely parse the terminology.
"This is amazing," said Kate. She straightened, and Elizabeth's fingertips slipped off the small of Kate's back, where her shirt had ridden up and exposed her skin. "It could take years to comprehend it all."
"Did you find anything that would help us understand what's going on with John now?" asked Elizabeth, raising one eyebrow at Kate.
Kate nodded, paging up several times. "Here." She tapped the screen with her fingernail. "It looks like the Ancients were experimenting with overlaying thought patterns. It was more work on Ascension; kind of a way of the more mentally-advanced Ancients helping the others along the path.
"Do you think that's what happened to John?" asked Elizabeth.
"I'll need to interview him," said Kate. "Have him take a few psychological assessments. But it's entirely possible."
"How do we undo it?" asked Elizabeth.
"I'll have to get back to you on that one," said Kate, glancing up at Elizabeth. "It's important that we isolate John. The effects of the overlay seem to be progressive, and the new belief patterns intensify gradually."
"It's going to get worse before it gets better," said Elizabeth. She nodded. "I'll have Ronon or Teyla escort him here."
Kate nodded. "After I run my tests, do you want me to have Carson admit him to the infirmary?"
"I think that would be our wisest course of action." Elizabeth paused. "Kate?"
"Yes, Elizabeth?" Kate met Elizabeth's worried gaze.
"Don't take too long figuring this out." Elizabeth clasped her hands in front of her. "I need John back to normal."
Kate glanced at the screen, then up at Elizabeth. "I'll do my best."
"That's all any of us can do," said Elizabeth. "And thanks."
"Of course, Elizabeth," said Kate softly.
***
"Where is John now?" asked Teyla, fingers pressed to her radio.
"Life sign detectors put him in Rodney's lab," said Elizabeth, from the control room. "Along with Major Lorne and Rodney."
Teyla glanced quickly up at Ronon. "We should hurry," she said.
John's voice was loud and angry, and Teyla broke into a light jog, Ronon next to her. "My best friend!" she heard John shout. "My best friend has been fucking a man for two years and I never knew!"
"Well, you never asked, Sheppard!" snapped Rodney. Teyla stepped into the room, and saw John, red-faced and screaming. Rodney was facing John, hands waving in the air, with Major Lorne standing between the two, stonefaced and with his arms crossed. "I don't see what the big deal is; it's not like you haven't been fruitlessly angling to get in bed with half the women on this expedition. Maybe you should get laid! Then you could just shut up about it!"
"Oh, I don't have to worry about getting laid," said John. "Do I, Teyla?"
Teyla rolled her eyes and sighed. "I have no interest in your sex life, John."
"Besides, I can get women." John's eyes narrowed. "I don't need to resort to men because women won't look at me twice."
"That's just enough, Colonel!" snapped Major Lorne.
"John, you must come with us," said Teyla. "Dr. Heightmeyer needs to speak with you."
"Please tell me she's going to medicate him up to his ignorant, prejudiced gills!" said Rodney. "Maybe bring him in for some electroshock therapy! I don't even care if it's a pseudoscience right now, maybe she can shock the sense back into his thick skull!"
"I think this might be where I start threatening people," drawled Ronon. "Sheppard, come on. Heightmeyer wants to interview you, and Weir thinks it's a good idea too."
"What're you gonna do if I don't go with you?" asked John, turning to Ronon and frowning.
"Wonder if maybe you're freaking out so much because you're worried people will think you're a fag," muttered Major Lorne. "Since McKay's on your team and all."
"You're coming awfully close to insubordination, Major," said John, his voice hissing out as he whirled back. "In fact, you've crossed that line."
"Frankly, Colonel, I don't give a damn," said Lorne. "You wanna go see Heightmeyer and try to seduce her to prove your manhood?"
Rodney stared at Lorne, his jaw dropped. "Heightmeyer? Heightmeyer? Uh--"
"Can we just go?" asked Ronon, as Teyla rolled her eyes again. "I'm getting hungry."
"Colonel Sheppard has been affected by Ancient technology," said Teyla. "Elizabeth would like to see you and Major Lorne in her office, Rodney, to discuss this further."
"Oh, really?" asked John. "Since this apparently affects me, I should be there when they discuss it."
"Nope," said Ronon. "You're going to Heightmeyer's office."
"Says who?" asked John, drawing himself up.
"Me." Ronon's voice rumbled in the room, as he and Teyla stepped forward, flanking John. "Let's go."
"This isn't over," snapped John.
"Bye-bye, sir," said Lorne, smirking cheerfully, waggling his fingers at John in a cheerful wave.
***
"So you're saying that Ancient technology made him homophobic?" asked Rodney.
"Exactly," said Elizabeth.
"That's stupid," he said, pacing in front of her desk. "But Heightmeyer can fix it?"
Elizabeth's head tilted to the side. "Eventually. We hope."
"Eventually? But, wait, if Ancient technology--what did it do, again?" asked Rodney, pausing and whirling to face Elizabeth.
"Overlaid his thought patterns with a right-winger's," said Lorne helpfully.
"Does Sheppard know that you and Heightmeyer are sleeping together?" asked Rodney.
"Very few people know that," said Elizabeth sternly. "And I'd prefer that no one else find out. Especially John."
"Because if he finds out that Heightmeyer's a lesbian? The way he is right now?" Rodney shook his head. "That's not good, Elizabeth."
"That's why Teyla and Ronon are with John right now," said Elizabeth. "I think you and Major Lorne need to take a trip to the mainland for a while, though."
"What? No!" Rodney frowned. "You need me here to work on a cure for this--this thought pattern overlay technology!"
"Radek can work with Kate on that," said Elizabeth firmly. "You and Major Lorne can think of this as kind of a vacation."
"Some vacation," muttered Rodney. "My best friend's brain got swapped."
Elizabeth frowned. "This is serious, Rodney."
"Of course it is, Elizabeth!" exclaimed Rodney. "But--"
"You and Major Lorne should go to the mainland," said Elizabeth firmly. "It'll take some of the pressure off John."
"Come on, McKay, it'll be fun," said Lorne, shrugging, his hands clasped behind his back. "We can pitch a tent, stay out all night, sleep in and--" He glanced quickly at Elizabeth and clamped his mouth shut.
"I really don't want to know," said Elizabeth, holding up one hand. "Frankly, the less details I have about your love lives, the happier I am."
"Just don't tell me about you and Dr. Heightmeyer, ma'am?" asked Lorne, his mouth quirking into a grin.
"Deal," said Elizabeth. "Now, you two, head off to the mainland. I'm going to go and see what kind of progress Kate's made."
***
"How is he?" asked Elizabeth quietly, murmuring to Kate as they stood in the far corner of the infirmary, watching John fidget restlessly as he tried not to look at them. Carson was standing next to him, drawing some blood for another round of physical exams.
"Colonel Sheppard's got a significant number of new thought patterns overlying his own," said Kate. "They haven't completely remapped his old heuristics and schema, but they have made significant progress in altering his perceptions."
"Can you fix it?" asked Elizabeth. She crossed her arms and leaned in closer to Kate, glancing over at John.
"Dr. Zelenka has managed to find and deactivate the device that's causing it," said Kate. "He tells me that Colonel Sheppard is the only one who's been in that lab with the device active, so at least we don't have to worry about anyone else turning up with altered thought patterns."
"That's something, at least," said Elizabeth, nodding once.
Kate had her palms splayed in front of her, and was tapping her fingers together. "Right now Dr. Zelenka is working on reconfiguring the device," she said. "Once I'm done working with Colonel Sheppard, I'm going to go over to the lab and see what he and I can come up with."
"Good luck with that," muttered Elizabeth.
Kate nodded. "You're telling me." She took a deep breath. "He's been asking questions."
"Questions?" Elizabeth frowned. "What kind of questions?"
"Colonel Sheppard flirts with women," said Kate. "It's like breathing for him."
"I've noticed," said Elizabeth dryly.
"The thing is that he's--" Kate paused. "It's like he's overreacting to things that he would have brushed off a week ago. I think the mental stress of the heuristic overlays is causing him to be oversensitive to any sort of perceived slight."
"Has he been giving you problems?" asked Elizabeth, raising one eyebrow as she looked at Kate.
"Nothing I can't handle," said Kate, reassuring her. "Patients often develop strong feelings for their therapist due to the nature of the therapeutic relationship."
"Relationship?" asked Elizabeth, her voice still low, but sharper.
"I can hear you," said John, looking over his shoulder at them.
"If Elizabeth and I were going to discuss anything I haven't already gone over with you, Colonel, I'd have asked to speak with her in private," said Kate.
"So you're calling her Elizabeth now?" asked John. He grinned at Kate, slow and lazy. "If you can call her Elizabeth, you can call me John. I've told you to before."
"Thank you, Colonel, I appreciate that," said Kate, nodding. "Elizabeth, I'm going to wrap up with Colonel Sheppard here, and then go and join Dr. Zelenka in the labs. We're going to get some coffee and see if we can manage to make sense of the technology. Can I call you if we need some help with translating it?"
"Of course, Kate," said Elizabeth, her hands tightening on her arms as she resisted the urge to squeeze Kate's hand. "I'd be glad to."
Kate nodded, and tilted her head forward, her hair falling to hid her face from John as she met Elizabeth's gaze. "I'll let you know," she murmured, her eyes saying what she couldn't tell Elizabeth out loud.
Elizabeth's answering nod was slight, and she shifted her weight toward Kate. "I think I'll take the chance to go for dinner while I still can."
John's eyes darkened, and he straightened up from his slouch. "What's up with you two?" he asked.
"Nothing's up with us, John," said Elizabeth, turning to face him. "Why would you think that?"
"You called her Kate," said John. "And she called you Elizabeth. Heightmeyer never calls anyone by their first name unless she's treating them. I've noticed."
"You have, have you?" asked Elizabeth.
"Colonel, you're overreacting to stimuli right now," said Kate.
"Except me. You're calling me Colonel still," said John. He pushed himself forward, studying Elizabeth and Kate. "Why is that?"
"Because I'm not comfortable encouraging that level of familiarity in someone whose mental faculties are currently being affected in the way yours are," said Kate firmly.
"But you're comfortable encouraging that level of familiarity in Elizabeth, even if you're not treating her?" asked John.
Kate and Elizabeth glanced at each other, and John bolted to his feet. "Colonel?" asked Kate, her voice carefully neutral.
Carson stepped back, startled, and watched John walk closer to Kate and Elizabeth. "Colonel, I don't think this is a very good--"
"What's going on between you two?" asked John. "You're awfully close. Way closer than I've ever seen either of you get with anyone."
"I'm afraid all that's going on is your hypersensitivity, Colonel," said Kate.
"Whatever." John stormed to the door, then whirled. "I'm not going to listen to a couple of dykes." He rushed out as it opened.
Kate turned to Elizabeth and let out a pent-up breath. "He should be kept in the here," she said. "Under watch. Dr. Zelenka and I are going to be pulling a few all-nighters, I think."
"That's a very good idea." Elizabeth nodded as she stared past Kate, at the infirmary door. "I'll call Ronon and Teyla. Again."
***
John smiled awkwardly. "So, uh--" He paused and slouched down even more in his infirmary bed. "How's it going?"
"I'm more interested in how you're feeling, Colonel," said Kate calmly. "Let's talk about your perceptions of recent events."
"Let's not," said John.
"I'm afraid I can't clear you for duty before you have a full psychological evaluation," said Kate. Her smile was bland. "That means that you're going to have to re-examine your recent actions. I can give you a day to recover physically, but tomorrow morning, I'll need to see you in my office."
"Hey, how're--" started John.
"Dr. McKay and Major Lorne?" Kate looked thoughtful. "We've recalled them from the main land, and when they're back, Major Lorne will be assuming a number of your responsibilities. I won't be clearing you to return to duty for a while."
"I was gonna ask how you're doing," said John.
"I'm fine, Colonel," said Kate.
"What about Elizabeth?" asked John. "I doubt you guys are fine. I was an ass."
"We're fine, Colonel," said Kate. She didn't smile. "We're always fine."
Author: havocthecat
Pairing: McKay/Lorne, Heightmeyer/Weir
Warnings: Homophobic attitudes displayed by John Sheppard.
Author's Notes: Written for puddle_jumper2 for sg_rarepairings, with the following prompts: "Shep not gay and turns on Rodney, Lorne takes up for Rodney, possibly Lorne and McKay being sent away (angst)." I know that I added an extra pairing in there aside from what you asked for, but I wanted to make it really clear that John? Not so much doing good things. Anyway, thanks muchly to medie, amitee, and racethewind10 for betareading and encouragement! Fic title is from since feeling is first by e.e. cummings.
***
"So you're gay," said John, standing just inside Rodney's room, the door firmly closed behind him. And locked. He'd made sure of that.
"Yes, Sheppard. We've been over this." Rodney had the sheets clutched around him with one hand, and was standing in front of his dresser, rummaging frantically through it until he could grab a pair of boxers and slip them on, fumbling with the sheet the whole time. "I told you I was gay the first week we were on Atlantis."
"Yeah, but I didn't think you meant gay gay," said John. He leaned back against the door. "I thought you just meant, you know--" John waved one hand in a vague gesture.
"What'd you think he meant, Colonel?" asked Lorne, reclining in Rodney's bed, wearing only a pair of shorts, his head pillowed on his arms. "Gay as in happy? Because this is McKay we're talking about here. The man makes a profession out of being miserable."
"You are not being any help here," said Rodney, whirling and pointing at Lorne. He turned back to his dresser and reached for a t-shirt. "I swear, the only way this day could get any worse is if the entire ocean were somehow transmuted into lemon juice."
"If only," said John.
"Do you mind?" asked Rodney, slipping his t-shirt on, then turning back to glare at John.. "You people wouldn't know what to do if I died in a sudden and tragic citrus-related accident. Who'd save your asses on a regular basis?"
"Zelenka," drawled John, crossing his arms. Sometimes it was too easy. "Seriously, Major, put a shirt on or something, will you?"
"I figured I should break a few more rules while I was at it," said Lorne, shrugging. "Since you already caught me in bed with McKay anyway."
"Don't remind me," said John, giving Lorne a scathing look. "The image is indelibly burned on my retinas. Jeez. Couldn't you have, you know, locked the door?"
"We got distracted," said Lorne. He smirked.
"I don't wanna know," said John, shaking his head. "Seriously. How am I gonna avoid reporting you two?"
"Pretend you never saw it," said Lorne. "Trust me, it works. Some of the things I've seen--"
"Like what?" asked John straightening and looking curious.
Rodney blanched. "Oh, you are not going to tell him."
"Why not, honey-bunny?" asked Lorne. He smirked at Rodney, who glared back.
John coughed. Okay, they were gone on each other, in a weird, and oddly macho kind of way. "Enough with the sweet nothings. I don't wanna know any more. Lock your damn doors next time, and don't act stupid and get caught." With that, he whirled around and stormed out the door.
"That went well, don't you think?" he heard Rodney ask before the door closed.
***
"So, hypothetically," said John slowly, after closing the door to Elizabeth's office behind him. "Say you found out something you really didn't wanna know."
"I'd probably do my best to pretend I didn't know it," said Elizabeth, looking up from her laptop and smiling at him. "What's all this about?"
"Nothing," said John quickly. "So, say hypothetically--"
"How about we say this whole conversation is hypothetical, then?" suggested Elizabeth, clasping her hands on her desk, and leaning forward.
"That's probably a really good idea," said John, collapsing into a chair and sprawling out in it. "Say I hypothetically accidentally walked in on Lorne and McKay in bed this morning. What would I do to avoid reporting Lorne under the UCMJ?"
"You know," said Elizabeth slowly. "I think they were exploring one of the more distant Ancient labs yesterday. One of the more biology-oriented ones."
"Hypothetically speaking," added John.
"Hypothetically," agreed Elizabeth.
"So maybe the lab hypothetically turned them gay?" asked John.
"On a temporary basis," said Elizabeth.
"That would explain why Lorne was calling McKay honey-bunny," muttered John, glaring at his boots.
His head snapped up as Elizabeth chuckled. "Seriously?" she asked, covering her mouth with one hand and trying to look solemn again. "That just doesn't sound like either of them."
"No, hypothetically!" said John, letting his head fall back on the chair. "Lorne was being sarcastic with the name calling." He lifted his head and frowned at Elizabeth. "Hypothetically. They'll go back to being straight the instant I walked away, then, with this hypothetical gay-making biology lab thing wearing off, so I don't have to worry?"
"Exactly," said Elizabeth, still trying to look serious.
"I'm not buying it," said John, shaking his head. Not the look or the gay-making bio lab.
"Frankly, I'd think you were pretty gullible if you did," said Elizabeth. "Just ignore it, or I'll end up having to call the IOA and discuss the legalities of an American and a Canadian marrying in another galaxy, and John, if I have to file the paperwork on that, you're going to suffer with me." The flint in her eye said she wasn't kidding.
"What about the military?" asked John. "The Air Force wouldn't be too happy."
"You think the Canadian military wouldn't leap for an officer of Major Lorne's caliber, gay or straight?" asked Elizabeth. "The Canadian ambassador to the IOA would make it her personal mission to convince him to sign up."
"It's a good thing this is all hypothetical," said John.
"You're telling me," said Elizabeth, nodding. "I don't want to hear what General O'Neill would say if Major Lorne became a Canadian citizen."
***
"Bad day?" asked Kate, as Elizabeth walked into her office.
"The worst," she said, sinking down into one of Kate's softer chairs. "John's been having a meltdown all day, worried that Major Lorne and Rodney have suddenly been turned into homosexuals by the Ancient biology labs."
Kate pressed her mouth together. "He what?" she asked, a chuckle escaping. "But they've been together--"
"--since shortly after Ronon came back to Atlantis, I know," said Elizabeth. "I thought everyone knew, and no one was saying anything, but apparently John never found out about it."
"How'd he miss it?" asked Kate
"They have been discreet," said Elizabeth.
"Not when Lucius was on Atlantis," said Kate. "That's when most of us found out."
"Please don't bring that man up again," said Elizabeth, frowning slightly. "He gives me a headache."
Kate shook her head. "Let's not do that, then." She leaned back in her chair, smiling at Elizabeth. "So are you here as Dr. Weir, or as Elizabeth?"
"Dr. Weir, unfortunately," said Elizabeth, tapping the heel of her palm on the chair. "Has John exhibited any homophobic tendencies prior to today?"
"Not at all," said Kate. "Not in any of our interactions that aren't confidential."
"I suppose that's as much of an answer as I can ask for," said Elizabeth, sighing.
"You know how doctor-patient confidentiality rules work, Elizabeth," said Kate.
"I do." Elizabeth nodded. "It's just that I was hoping--"
"--that I could make things a little easier for you?" asked Kate sympathetically. "I"ll do what I can, you know that, but I can't break that trust."
"I did uncover some research while I was going through the Ancient database, looking for ideas on what could have happened," said Elizabeth. "Carson can't make heads or tails of it; he suggested I come to you."
"He did?" Kate's eyebrows lifted.
"You're the resident expert on brain function, after all," said Elizabeth. "Carson's a geneticist. All the data I found relates to your specialty."
"The Ancients had an interest in psychology that wasn't related to Ascension?" asked Kate.
"I'm not sure," said Elizabeth. She held up a small flash drive. "Want to see?"
"Are we breathing oxygen?" asked Kate.
Elizabeth smirked. "I knew you'd say that." She got up and handed the drive to Kate.
"Let's see what we have," murmured Kate, loading the drive and leaning forward.
***
"Find anything?" asked Elizabeth. She'd been leaning over Kate's desk and reading the screen for twenty minutes, and her back was starting to cramp up. At least Kate was making notes on her handheld, though Elizabeth could barely parse the terminology.
"This is amazing," said Kate. She straightened, and Elizabeth's fingertips slipped off the small of Kate's back, where her shirt had ridden up and exposed her skin. "It could take years to comprehend it all."
"Did you find anything that would help us understand what's going on with John now?" asked Elizabeth, raising one eyebrow at Kate.
Kate nodded, paging up several times. "Here." She tapped the screen with her fingernail. "It looks like the Ancients were experimenting with overlaying thought patterns. It was more work on Ascension; kind of a way of the more mentally-advanced Ancients helping the others along the path.
"Do you think that's what happened to John?" asked Elizabeth.
"I'll need to interview him," said Kate. "Have him take a few psychological assessments. But it's entirely possible."
"How do we undo it?" asked Elizabeth.
"I'll have to get back to you on that one," said Kate, glancing up at Elizabeth. "It's important that we isolate John. The effects of the overlay seem to be progressive, and the new belief patterns intensify gradually."
"It's going to get worse before it gets better," said Elizabeth. She nodded. "I'll have Ronon or Teyla escort him here."
Kate nodded. "After I run my tests, do you want me to have Carson admit him to the infirmary?"
"I think that would be our wisest course of action." Elizabeth paused. "Kate?"
"Yes, Elizabeth?" Kate met Elizabeth's worried gaze.
"Don't take too long figuring this out." Elizabeth clasped her hands in front of her. "I need John back to normal."
Kate glanced at the screen, then up at Elizabeth. "I'll do my best."
"That's all any of us can do," said Elizabeth. "And thanks."
"Of course, Elizabeth," said Kate softly.
***
"Where is John now?" asked Teyla, fingers pressed to her radio.
"Life sign detectors put him in Rodney's lab," said Elizabeth, from the control room. "Along with Major Lorne and Rodney."
Teyla glanced quickly up at Ronon. "We should hurry," she said.
John's voice was loud and angry, and Teyla broke into a light jog, Ronon next to her. "My best friend!" she heard John shout. "My best friend has been fucking a man for two years and I never knew!"
"Well, you never asked, Sheppard!" snapped Rodney. Teyla stepped into the room, and saw John, red-faced and screaming. Rodney was facing John, hands waving in the air, with Major Lorne standing between the two, stonefaced and with his arms crossed. "I don't see what the big deal is; it's not like you haven't been fruitlessly angling to get in bed with half the women on this expedition. Maybe you should get laid! Then you could just shut up about it!"
"Oh, I don't have to worry about getting laid," said John. "Do I, Teyla?"
Teyla rolled her eyes and sighed. "I have no interest in your sex life, John."
"Besides, I can get women." John's eyes narrowed. "I don't need to resort to men because women won't look at me twice."
"That's just enough, Colonel!" snapped Major Lorne.
"John, you must come with us," said Teyla. "Dr. Heightmeyer needs to speak with you."
"Please tell me she's going to medicate him up to his ignorant, prejudiced gills!" said Rodney. "Maybe bring him in for some electroshock therapy! I don't even care if it's a pseudoscience right now, maybe she can shock the sense back into his thick skull!"
"I think this might be where I start threatening people," drawled Ronon. "Sheppard, come on. Heightmeyer wants to interview you, and Weir thinks it's a good idea too."
"What're you gonna do if I don't go with you?" asked John, turning to Ronon and frowning.
"Wonder if maybe you're freaking out so much because you're worried people will think you're a fag," muttered Major Lorne. "Since McKay's on your team and all."
"You're coming awfully close to insubordination, Major," said John, his voice hissing out as he whirled back. "In fact, you've crossed that line."
"Frankly, Colonel, I don't give a damn," said Lorne. "You wanna go see Heightmeyer and try to seduce her to prove your manhood?"
Rodney stared at Lorne, his jaw dropped. "Heightmeyer? Heightmeyer? Uh--"
"Can we just go?" asked Ronon, as Teyla rolled her eyes again. "I'm getting hungry."
"Colonel Sheppard has been affected by Ancient technology," said Teyla. "Elizabeth would like to see you and Major Lorne in her office, Rodney, to discuss this further."
"Oh, really?" asked John. "Since this apparently affects me, I should be there when they discuss it."
"Nope," said Ronon. "You're going to Heightmeyer's office."
"Says who?" asked John, drawing himself up.
"Me." Ronon's voice rumbled in the room, as he and Teyla stepped forward, flanking John. "Let's go."
"This isn't over," snapped John.
"Bye-bye, sir," said Lorne, smirking cheerfully, waggling his fingers at John in a cheerful wave.
***
"So you're saying that Ancient technology made him homophobic?" asked Rodney.
"Exactly," said Elizabeth.
"That's stupid," he said, pacing in front of her desk. "But Heightmeyer can fix it?"
Elizabeth's head tilted to the side. "Eventually. We hope."
"Eventually? But, wait, if Ancient technology--what did it do, again?" asked Rodney, pausing and whirling to face Elizabeth.
"Overlaid his thought patterns with a right-winger's," said Lorne helpfully.
"Does Sheppard know that you and Heightmeyer are sleeping together?" asked Rodney.
"Very few people know that," said Elizabeth sternly. "And I'd prefer that no one else find out. Especially John."
"Because if he finds out that Heightmeyer's a lesbian? The way he is right now?" Rodney shook his head. "That's not good, Elizabeth."
"That's why Teyla and Ronon are with John right now," said Elizabeth. "I think you and Major Lorne need to take a trip to the mainland for a while, though."
"What? No!" Rodney frowned. "You need me here to work on a cure for this--this thought pattern overlay technology!"
"Radek can work with Kate on that," said Elizabeth firmly. "You and Major Lorne can think of this as kind of a vacation."
"Some vacation," muttered Rodney. "My best friend's brain got swapped."
Elizabeth frowned. "This is serious, Rodney."
"Of course it is, Elizabeth!" exclaimed Rodney. "But--"
"You and Major Lorne should go to the mainland," said Elizabeth firmly. "It'll take some of the pressure off John."
"Come on, McKay, it'll be fun," said Lorne, shrugging, his hands clasped behind his back. "We can pitch a tent, stay out all night, sleep in and--" He glanced quickly at Elizabeth and clamped his mouth shut.
"I really don't want to know," said Elizabeth, holding up one hand. "Frankly, the less details I have about your love lives, the happier I am."
"Just don't tell me about you and Dr. Heightmeyer, ma'am?" asked Lorne, his mouth quirking into a grin.
"Deal," said Elizabeth. "Now, you two, head off to the mainland. I'm going to go and see what kind of progress Kate's made."
***
"How is he?" asked Elizabeth quietly, murmuring to Kate as they stood in the far corner of the infirmary, watching John fidget restlessly as he tried not to look at them. Carson was standing next to him, drawing some blood for another round of physical exams.
"Colonel Sheppard's got a significant number of new thought patterns overlying his own," said Kate. "They haven't completely remapped his old heuristics and schema, but they have made significant progress in altering his perceptions."
"Can you fix it?" asked Elizabeth. She crossed her arms and leaned in closer to Kate, glancing over at John.
"Dr. Zelenka has managed to find and deactivate the device that's causing it," said Kate. "He tells me that Colonel Sheppard is the only one who's been in that lab with the device active, so at least we don't have to worry about anyone else turning up with altered thought patterns."
"That's something, at least," said Elizabeth, nodding once.
Kate had her palms splayed in front of her, and was tapping her fingers together. "Right now Dr. Zelenka is working on reconfiguring the device," she said. "Once I'm done working with Colonel Sheppard, I'm going to go over to the lab and see what he and I can come up with."
"Good luck with that," muttered Elizabeth.
Kate nodded. "You're telling me." She took a deep breath. "He's been asking questions."
"Questions?" Elizabeth frowned. "What kind of questions?"
"Colonel Sheppard flirts with women," said Kate. "It's like breathing for him."
"I've noticed," said Elizabeth dryly.
"The thing is that he's--" Kate paused. "It's like he's overreacting to things that he would have brushed off a week ago. I think the mental stress of the heuristic overlays is causing him to be oversensitive to any sort of perceived slight."
"Has he been giving you problems?" asked Elizabeth, raising one eyebrow as she looked at Kate.
"Nothing I can't handle," said Kate, reassuring her. "Patients often develop strong feelings for their therapist due to the nature of the therapeutic relationship."
"Relationship?" asked Elizabeth, her voice still low, but sharper.
"I can hear you," said John, looking over his shoulder at them.
"If Elizabeth and I were going to discuss anything I haven't already gone over with you, Colonel, I'd have asked to speak with her in private," said Kate.
"So you're calling her Elizabeth now?" asked John. He grinned at Kate, slow and lazy. "If you can call her Elizabeth, you can call me John. I've told you to before."
"Thank you, Colonel, I appreciate that," said Kate, nodding. "Elizabeth, I'm going to wrap up with Colonel Sheppard here, and then go and join Dr. Zelenka in the labs. We're going to get some coffee and see if we can manage to make sense of the technology. Can I call you if we need some help with translating it?"
"Of course, Kate," said Elizabeth, her hands tightening on her arms as she resisted the urge to squeeze Kate's hand. "I'd be glad to."
Kate nodded, and tilted her head forward, her hair falling to hid her face from John as she met Elizabeth's gaze. "I'll let you know," she murmured, her eyes saying what she couldn't tell Elizabeth out loud.
Elizabeth's answering nod was slight, and she shifted her weight toward Kate. "I think I'll take the chance to go for dinner while I still can."
John's eyes darkened, and he straightened up from his slouch. "What's up with you two?" he asked.
"Nothing's up with us, John," said Elizabeth, turning to face him. "Why would you think that?"
"You called her Kate," said John. "And she called you Elizabeth. Heightmeyer never calls anyone by their first name unless she's treating them. I've noticed."
"You have, have you?" asked Elizabeth.
"Colonel, you're overreacting to stimuli right now," said Kate.
"Except me. You're calling me Colonel still," said John. He pushed himself forward, studying Elizabeth and Kate. "Why is that?"
"Because I'm not comfortable encouraging that level of familiarity in someone whose mental faculties are currently being affected in the way yours are," said Kate firmly.
"But you're comfortable encouraging that level of familiarity in Elizabeth, even if you're not treating her?" asked John.
Kate and Elizabeth glanced at each other, and John bolted to his feet. "Colonel?" asked Kate, her voice carefully neutral.
Carson stepped back, startled, and watched John walk closer to Kate and Elizabeth. "Colonel, I don't think this is a very good--"
"What's going on between you two?" asked John. "You're awfully close. Way closer than I've ever seen either of you get with anyone."
"I'm afraid all that's going on is your hypersensitivity, Colonel," said Kate.
"Whatever." John stormed to the door, then whirled. "I'm not going to listen to a couple of dykes." He rushed out as it opened.
Kate turned to Elizabeth and let out a pent-up breath. "He should be kept in the here," she said. "Under watch. Dr. Zelenka and I are going to be pulling a few all-nighters, I think."
"That's a very good idea." Elizabeth nodded as she stared past Kate, at the infirmary door. "I'll call Ronon and Teyla. Again."
***
John smiled awkwardly. "So, uh--" He paused and slouched down even more in his infirmary bed. "How's it going?"
"I'm more interested in how you're feeling, Colonel," said Kate calmly. "Let's talk about your perceptions of recent events."
"Let's not," said John.
"I'm afraid I can't clear you for duty before you have a full psychological evaluation," said Kate. Her smile was bland. "That means that you're going to have to re-examine your recent actions. I can give you a day to recover physically, but tomorrow morning, I'll need to see you in my office."
"Hey, how're--" started John.
"Dr. McKay and Major Lorne?" Kate looked thoughtful. "We've recalled them from the main land, and when they're back, Major Lorne will be assuming a number of your responsibilities. I won't be clearing you to return to duty for a while."
"I was gonna ask how you're doing," said John.
"I'm fine, Colonel," said Kate.
"What about Elizabeth?" asked John. "I doubt you guys are fine. I was an ass."
"We're fine, Colonel," said Kate. She didn't smile. "We're always fine."