i dont even know anymore
Theses day have been filled with drama, stress and anger. Dont know what to really do anymore. I have applied at about 20 different places for work. I have applied for welfare and have that meeting on thursday after my final x-ray for my foot. And yes i still have screws in my foot. I will hopefully go in for surgery for that in the next month or so. Went tot he Doctor today cause im hella sick. I have major allergy issues and a viral infection. shitty thing is, its the same viral infection i have had for 6 years that they cant figure out. They didnt know what it was then and they dont know now. fucking doctors. I have also applied for government grants. hopefully ill be getting money for "housing" and "going abck to school" and possibly "starting a business" not sure yet though. I have already qualified for food stamps which will be helpful, not only for me but for donny and jared and alex aswell. Seeing as i dont eat much and owe all them money. and they are all broke. food stamps all around! YAY!...i think...anyways i need a place to live. hopefully ill get my first welfare check either this week or next. If so itll be easier to get a place to stay with some money on hand. Hopefully jared will move inw ith me this summer so that way i have my bestfriend to keep me company. Hopefully we can snag a 3 bedroom in CG for 710....between me alex and jared itll be fairly cheap. Need to head that way tomorrow to see if they have any openings for any homes anytime soon. the sooner i can get a place and a job the sooner ill relax.
Besides the homeless situation and everything else...i have ruined many things lately including relationships, trust, and so much more. I have realized i have an uncanny ability to be the worst person in the world. not something im proud of but something i need to face. I have done some extremely terrible things lately in retaliation to people who didnt mean to hurt me but i felt like i had no other course of action...nvm this doesnt make sense...basically what im trying to say is i feel horrible for the way i have treated certain people in my life and cry just thinking about it. I wish i could go back and change it but i know i cant, all i can do is try and do my best to redeem myself in their eyes. itll take alot of work and alot of courage and alot of support from my loved ones. these past few months have been extremely hard on me for many reasons....Some people that i hold dearly to myself have hurt me very very badly but im trying to move past it and not hold it against them.Im sick of having grudges. Im sick of fighting and being angry. I just want to be happy again.
Speaking of happy...I am looking for a new therapist, and psychologist. I want to go back on meds as much as i hate to. i know i need to. I have too much going on to not have anything helping to stabilize my tornado of a brain....i want to be ahppy and i want the people in my life to be happy. Its going to take alot of work but im going to try my hardest. I just hope certain people will be willing to stick by me during these rough times of getting my life back on track. One esspecially...
So me and morgan have gotten alot closer lately...its nice to have a girlfriend again...just someone to talk to, someone you can vent to, rant to. someone that will listen. and someone yo can listen to and help out when ever they need it. Its nice to be needed again. Honestly i dont know what i would have done without her in my life theses past few month....she has held me together at times when...god i cant even explain it. all i know is im lucky to have her....
and donny...god....he is amazing. he has done alot to hurt me lately but i have to him as well...lately it seems all we do is hurt each other and i dont know why. we love eachother dearly...we just...idk maybe its the whole living together situation....i think thats one of the main reasons i want to move out, maybe itll help our relationship grow and mature. But at the same time i really really dont want to move out. waking up to him each morning is more than i could ever ask for. it almost brings a tear to my eye just knowing he is there with me every morning and every night. I love him and care for him more than i have anyone else in my life.more than myself.more than life itself. He truely has no idea what he means to me...some might say i am obsessive or control but truely im not....and if i have been its only beed around one person and most of you know who that is. Alot of the time he scares me with his feelings and his open-ness with people...but i lvoe him and i would do anything for him (except be in a open relationship ofcourse ;P ) We plan on getting married and starting a family and we talk about it all the time...i just hope one day that does happen, sometimes i have my doubts, but what can i say...i have trust/relationship issues....
this is getting too long. i should stop.. im gunna start posting more often, it seems to be a better outlet than publicly humiliating people i care dearly about...cause that doesnt seem to end up in anything other than me running and hiding in the woods crying and hyper ventalating for 2 hours and everyone around me hating me and in tears themselves.....i hurt people...alot and i hate it.
Besides the homeless situation and everything else...i have ruined many things lately including relationships, trust, and so much more. I have realized i have an uncanny ability to be the worst person in the world. not something im proud of but something i need to face. I have done some extremely terrible things lately in retaliation to people who didnt mean to hurt me but i felt like i had no other course of action...nvm this doesnt make sense...basically what im trying to say is i feel horrible for the way i have treated certain people in my life and cry just thinking about it. I wish i could go back and change it but i know i cant, all i can do is try and do my best to redeem myself in their eyes. itll take alot of work and alot of courage and alot of support from my loved ones. these past few months have been extremely hard on me for many reasons....Some people that i hold dearly to myself have hurt me very very badly but im trying to move past it and not hold it against them.Im sick of having grudges. Im sick of fighting and being angry. I just want to be happy again.
Speaking of happy...I am looking for a new therapist, and psychologist. I want to go back on meds as much as i hate to. i know i need to. I have too much going on to not have anything helping to stabilize my tornado of a brain....i want to be ahppy and i want the people in my life to be happy. Its going to take alot of work but im going to try my hardest. I just hope certain people will be willing to stick by me during these rough times of getting my life back on track. One esspecially...
So me and morgan have gotten alot closer lately...its nice to have a girlfriend again...just someone to talk to, someone you can vent to, rant to. someone that will listen. and someone yo can listen to and help out when ever they need it. Its nice to be needed again. Honestly i dont know what i would have done without her in my life theses past few month....she has held me together at times when...god i cant even explain it. all i know is im lucky to have her....
and donny...god....he is amazing. he has done alot to hurt me lately but i have to him as well...lately it seems all we do is hurt each other and i dont know why. we love eachother dearly...we just...idk maybe its the whole living together situation....i think thats one of the main reasons i want to move out, maybe itll help our relationship grow and mature. But at the same time i really really dont want to move out. waking up to him each morning is more than i could ever ask for. it almost brings a tear to my eye just knowing he is there with me every morning and every night. I love him and care for him more than i have anyone else in my life.more than myself.more than life itself. He truely has no idea what he means to me...some might say i am obsessive or control but truely im not....and if i have been its only beed around one person and most of you know who that is. Alot of the time he scares me with his feelings and his open-ness with people...but i lvoe him and i would do anything for him (except be in a open relationship ofcourse ;P ) We plan on getting married and starting a family and we talk about it all the time...i just hope one day that does happen, sometimes i have my doubts, but what can i say...i have trust/relationship issues....
this is getting too long. i should stop.. im gunna start posting more often, it seems to be a better outlet than publicly humiliating people i care dearly about...cause that doesnt seem to end up in anything other than me running and hiding in the woods crying and hyper ventalating for 2 hours and everyone around me hating me and in tears themselves.....i hurt people...alot and i hate it.