(no subject)

[havesomefruit]

i feel sad that it's almost not summer. i feel sad that i am alone when i don't want to be. i feel sad that my room is still not clean. i feel sad that i am a mean person who doesn't mingle. i feel sad about a lot of things. but it's okay. i am allowed to feel sad. i feel sad but i'm not "sad". there is a difference. i just need a hug and a pat on the head and someone i love to watch a dumb movie i love with me. but i'm not going to get it. so what can i do, right? i can fucking work on changing the things i am able to change and try not to worry about the things i can't. i can find comfort wherever i want. i can find comfort in my new ugly old sweater, in the part of superbad while michael cera sings "these eyes", and in the fact that i am not truly alone. also, how can i honestly feel sad when i look at my icon and see that sweet little face! also also, my mom just came down and talked to me about oat cakes and my darling little dog is being her darling little crazy self! oh, life is good again.

but these mood swings are fucking forceful and awful. i'm not sure how much is in my head/control and how much is elsewhere, but i suppose it would serve me well to remember that self control and discipline are traits to be admired. it's tough when there are a bunch of changes happening in your life all at once and you don't know what is causing what exactly.

i am okay with the person i am, but i am trying to take steps towards the person i want to be. little tiny baby rachel-sized steps are all i can manage and that's okay. i am trying.