written in third period, then quickly hidden away.
So I haven't written anything for a while because my life has gone semi-crazy.
Where to start?
Family is a good place, I guess. My parents have been trying to "rekindle" things, which means they go out more often; I'm happy for them, but I'm not sure it's working when money is so tight. They're talking about filing for bankruptcy. I don't know how it got this bad, and I don't know what to do. Mom says I'm not old enough for a job, and I have a scholarship at school--but things are still tight, so I can't do nothing. Karen's been trying to supplement the income a little, subtly, but my parents, their pride is insane. I might ask the church if they can do anything. Maybe. I love Our Lady of Lourdes; they're really good about those things there.
It didn't used to be this way, though. I'm not saying things were always perfect, but lately it's like everything is tense, and Jason isn't helping. He drinks and smokes and he's going to get kicked off all his sports teams. Since he's a senior I don't think he'll lose his scholarship right now, but his college acceptance is definitely at risk. And more than that, the people he's been hanging around with...he doesn't like that I talk to so many boys now? He has no right to tell me that. My friends are respectful. They're good people, even if they don't believe it of themselves.
His friends aren't very respectful, and he doesn't stop them.
Which brings me to the other night. Wednesday. My parents were out, so it was just me and Jason, and Enfys had come over to hang out a while. It was okay, until Jason invited this friend of his over--who was older, and looked at me like...I don't know. I don't want to be alone with him ever, that's for sure, not least because they got drunk and his friend pinched Enfys so hard she's got a bruise. He said things to me. I won't repeat them again, and I don't know where he learned them, because he was white as snow, but I guess all the words he knows in Spanish are the ones he can use to hurt people. Fine. It's just words. But it's because of him things got so crazy--Ben came over with Hilderhosyn, his dog, to look out for Enfys and me. Then Blake and John called her up, and they came over, and they were drunk, too!
It kind of upsets me when people drink like that...I know I'll get used to it eventually, but I'm not yet, and I don't understand why they bother. They're perfectly fun people when they're sober. I'm glad Enfys and Ben didn't drink anything; Ben says he has, but Enfys is a little more like me, except tall and white and aggressive and a hundred times more confident. We're both extremely Catholic, at least, is what I'm saying. Anyway, Blake and Enfys have been having this weird drama because they liked one another, I guess, only no one ever made a move, and now Enfys is with Gary. I think it might be better now (Enfys seems okay, anyway), but I'm not sure. Anyway, they were all here in my room and I lost my temper with Jason twice, I tried to stay speaking Spanish the whole time so everyone else wouldn't understand but I kept slipping into English again.
I think it's different for Jason. He remembers his biological family; I don't. He told me when we were younger that his mother was killed in a car accident, and his father was such a mess after that he gave him up. He was five. All I know about the woman who gave birth to me is that she was Cuban, and that she wasn't from here--New York, maybe. But I sympathize with Jason, all the same--it's like something holds me back, especially lately. I live here, and I love my parents, but we aren't the same. I don't feel like I fit anywhere, not with them and not at school, not really. But that's kind of just being 15, isn't it? I mean, you read all those stupid teen lit books, or watch whatever insane unrealistic CW drama is supposed to be portraying Your Life, No, Really, and everybody feels out of it. So it's just in my head, but it's still annoying.
Nothing weird has happened lately, at least. I gave John some book stuff, I don't want to even write about it, and he said he'd come up with some for me too...I've never asked him why he's interested in this, and he's never asked me. Maybe it's best. I wouldn't tell him the truth, that sometimes I just feel things wrong and it gets messed up. I can't tell anyone. Ever.
Emerson and Ben are supposedly going out, or have gone, to a movie this week...I don't know what's going on there, but Emerson was really strange about it. You know, he always insists he's not gay, and shies away from anything he says "sounds gay," but the more he talks about it the less I believe him. I don't care about that sort of thing. At all. I don't agree with the church on it, either (find me one Catholic who agrees with the church on every subject, and I'll find you a liar, all right, I won't apologize for this one). He didn't even want me to know he was going with Ben, which isn't fair to Ben, if they're that way--I don't know if they are, of course. I won't pretend, either. But it's interesting, all the same. I still worry about Emerson, and Ben, now, too, after we talked about his family a very little. There are so many secrets in this school, it's a mess.
Speaking of secrets, I've been keeping one, up until now, because I wanted to save the best for last. This secret is named Zachary, and he's pretty much the most insane thing that's ever happened to me, which is saying a lot. He's older, and gorgeous, and he comes from money so half the time I feel like he's from another planet--but he's just that way, too, confusing and messed up but trying to hide it. He smokes sometimes. He's done drugs, he told me, today. And everything with him is like I'm doing this complicated dance, like I only know half the steps, but it's fun and I want to be there with him, despite myself. I think he takes pride in being this underachiever, defying authority when he could easily be the one in authority, with the way things are set up for him. He doesn't like himself, and he has this razor-edge to him, driving wayyy too fast and taking risks.
I think I know why he's that way, though. See, this morning, he told me he has a heart condition--I pushed, I asked, and he told me, and I think it means something. This is after our first date, which was to Station 4 and a lot of fun, even if it's not my style usually. I think he thinks it's cute that I like Reggaeton and all, but at least he'll tolerate it, unlike some people. Besides, I like his music, too. I like a lot about him. He's insanely bright, and really good at analyzing people--I just wish he weren't so cynical. But they say cynics really want to believe in things, so they use cynicism as a front for how much it sucks when things don't go the way they should. I hope I don't end up getting all superstitious and messed up around him. He doesn't mind it when I freak out about things, but I don't think he understands yet, either. I'll try to be clearer about it.
Is it weird that I think maybe God set this up? I need someone like him, I wish I were able to say things the way he does, I wish I were that ridiculously intelligent, poised, whatever. But mostly what attracts me to him is how he notices things, he watches people, like he's looking for something in them that he can't find in himself--or so he thinks. I think I could really get him in that way you're supposed to get someone important when you're ready, and that's not something I've ever found before. So maybe I can help him. Maybe I can give him something he needs--and he needs a lot, something of substance instead of this endless electronic expensive way of living. There are probably a lot of other girls who'd be happy to be that for him (I saw the way people looked, when we were at Station 4), but for some reason he wanted my attention. Maybe there's a reason for that, too, but I don't know what it is. I'm just glad he doesn't mind my complete lack of experience. Maybe he likes it.
Or! Maybe I am entirely getting ahead of myself, but I can't stop flailing around about it, because last night he kissed me and it was pretty much perfect as far as first kisses go. Not that I've ever had another, what with it being the first, but I have the idea it won't be the only one.
So things went briefly crazy, yes. But right now, they're okay.
Today I plan to introduce Zachary to everybody at lunch. I hope it goes well. Easter is coming up (it's Friday), so I'm going to invite him to church, although I don't think he's even Christian--that's okay, everybody's welcome this time of year. For now, I think the bell is about to ring, so I'm going to hide this notebook in my backpack and pretend I haven't been writing like a madwoman for the past 25 minutes, okay? Okay.
He's really something else, though. Really.
I am so in over my head, but for once, I don't mind.
Where to start?
Family is a good place, I guess. My parents have been trying to "rekindle" things, which means they go out more often; I'm happy for them, but I'm not sure it's working when money is so tight. They're talking about filing for bankruptcy. I don't know how it got this bad, and I don't know what to do. Mom says I'm not old enough for a job, and I have a scholarship at school--but things are still tight, so I can't do nothing. Karen's been trying to supplement the income a little, subtly, but my parents, their pride is insane. I might ask the church if they can do anything. Maybe. I love Our Lady of Lourdes; they're really good about those things there.
It didn't used to be this way, though. I'm not saying things were always perfect, but lately it's like everything is tense, and Jason isn't helping. He drinks and smokes and he's going to get kicked off all his sports teams. Since he's a senior I don't think he'll lose his scholarship right now, but his college acceptance is definitely at risk. And more than that, the people he's been hanging around with...he doesn't like that I talk to so many boys now? He has no right to tell me that. My friends are respectful. They're good people, even if they don't believe it of themselves.
His friends aren't very respectful, and he doesn't stop them.
Which brings me to the other night. Wednesday. My parents were out, so it was just me and Jason, and Enfys had come over to hang out a while. It was okay, until Jason invited this friend of his over--who was older, and looked at me like...I don't know. I don't want to be alone with him ever, that's for sure, not least because they got drunk and his friend pinched Enfys so hard she's got a bruise. He said things to me. I won't repeat them again, and I don't know where he learned them, because he was white as snow, but I guess all the words he knows in Spanish are the ones he can use to hurt people. Fine. It's just words. But it's because of him things got so crazy--Ben came over with Hilderhosyn, his dog, to look out for Enfys and me. Then Blake and John called her up, and they came over, and they were drunk, too!
It kind of upsets me when people drink like that...I know I'll get used to it eventually, but I'm not yet, and I don't understand why they bother. They're perfectly fun people when they're sober. I'm glad Enfys and Ben didn't drink anything; Ben says he has, but Enfys is a little more like me, except tall and white and aggressive and a hundred times more confident. We're both extremely Catholic, at least, is what I'm saying. Anyway, Blake and Enfys have been having this weird drama because they liked one another, I guess, only no one ever made a move, and now Enfys is with Gary. I think it might be better now (Enfys seems okay, anyway), but I'm not sure. Anyway, they were all here in my room and I lost my temper with Jason twice, I tried to stay speaking Spanish the whole time so everyone else wouldn't understand but I kept slipping into English again.
I think it's different for Jason. He remembers his biological family; I don't. He told me when we were younger that his mother was killed in a car accident, and his father was such a mess after that he gave him up. He was five. All I know about the woman who gave birth to me is that she was Cuban, and that she wasn't from here--New York, maybe. But I sympathize with Jason, all the same--it's like something holds me back, especially lately. I live here, and I love my parents, but we aren't the same. I don't feel like I fit anywhere, not with them and not at school, not really. But that's kind of just being 15, isn't it? I mean, you read all those stupid teen lit books, or watch whatever insane unrealistic CW drama is supposed to be portraying Your Life, No, Really, and everybody feels out of it. So it's just in my head, but it's still annoying.
Nothing weird has happened lately, at least. I gave John some book stuff, I don't want to even write about it, and he said he'd come up with some for me too...I've never asked him why he's interested in this, and he's never asked me. Maybe it's best. I wouldn't tell him the truth, that sometimes I just feel things wrong and it gets messed up. I can't tell anyone. Ever.
Emerson and Ben are supposedly going out, or have gone, to a movie this week...I don't know what's going on there, but Emerson was really strange about it. You know, he always insists he's not gay, and shies away from anything he says "sounds gay," but the more he talks about it the less I believe him. I don't care about that sort of thing. At all. I don't agree with the church on it, either (find me one Catholic who agrees with the church on every subject, and I'll find you a liar, all right, I won't apologize for this one). He didn't even want me to know he was going with Ben, which isn't fair to Ben, if they're that way--I don't know if they are, of course. I won't pretend, either. But it's interesting, all the same. I still worry about Emerson, and Ben, now, too, after we talked about his family a very little. There are so many secrets in this school, it's a mess.
Speaking of secrets, I've been keeping one, up until now, because I wanted to save the best for last. This secret is named Zachary, and he's pretty much the most insane thing that's ever happened to me, which is saying a lot. He's older, and gorgeous, and he comes from money so half the time I feel like he's from another planet--but he's just that way, too, confusing and messed up but trying to hide it. He smokes sometimes. He's done drugs, he told me, today. And everything with him is like I'm doing this complicated dance, like I only know half the steps, but it's fun and I want to be there with him, despite myself. I think he takes pride in being this underachiever, defying authority when he could easily be the one in authority, with the way things are set up for him. He doesn't like himself, and he has this razor-edge to him, driving wayyy too fast and taking risks.
I think I know why he's that way, though. See, this morning, he told me he has a heart condition--I pushed, I asked, and he told me, and I think it means something. This is after our first date, which was to Station 4 and a lot of fun, even if it's not my style usually. I think he thinks it's cute that I like Reggaeton and all, but at least he'll tolerate it, unlike some people. Besides, I like his music, too. I like a lot about him. He's insanely bright, and really good at analyzing people--I just wish he weren't so cynical. But they say cynics really want to believe in things, so they use cynicism as a front for how much it sucks when things don't go the way they should. I hope I don't end up getting all superstitious and messed up around him. He doesn't mind it when I freak out about things, but I don't think he understands yet, either. I'll try to be clearer about it.
Is it weird that I think maybe God set this up? I need someone like him, I wish I were able to say things the way he does, I wish I were that ridiculously intelligent, poised, whatever. But mostly what attracts me to him is how he notices things, he watches people, like he's looking for something in them that he can't find in himself--or so he thinks. I think I could really get him in that way you're supposed to get someone important when you're ready, and that's not something I've ever found before. So maybe I can help him. Maybe I can give him something he needs--and he needs a lot, something of substance instead of this endless electronic expensive way of living. There are probably a lot of other girls who'd be happy to be that for him (I saw the way people looked, when we were at Station 4), but for some reason he wanted my attention. Maybe there's a reason for that, too, but I don't know what it is. I'm just glad he doesn't mind my complete lack of experience. Maybe he likes it.
Or! Maybe I am entirely getting ahead of myself, but I can't stop flailing around about it, because last night he kissed me and it was pretty much perfect as far as first kisses go. Not that I've ever had another, what with it being the first, but I have the idea it won't be the only one.
So things went briefly crazy, yes. But right now, they're okay.
Today I plan to introduce Zachary to everybody at lunch. I hope it goes well. Easter is coming up (it's Friday), so I'm going to invite him to church, although I don't think he's even Christian--that's okay, everybody's welcome this time of year. For now, I think the bell is about to ring, so I'm going to hide this notebook in my backpack and pretend I haven't been writing like a madwoman for the past 25 minutes, okay? Okay.
He's really something else, though. Really.
I am so in over my head, but for once, I don't mind.