will you dance with me tonight?
I miss the fall. I miss the smells, and the weather. Hell, I even miss puckerup practice. Not so much the music, but the cats, being with the sara/h's, the way Kurt's mom always cooked for us. I miss driving lessons with Jon, and the songs that we'd listen to and how we'd talk about life and sometimes, I felt like he was the only person who really got what I meant when I said "I just wish things were different". I've made so many new friends since last summer. My life has done a 180. I never thought I'd get over my grandfather dying, but very very slowly, I'm accepting it. I miss him more than anything, but letting it consume me was a bad idea. I love Gary, more than everything, but he will go, too and I will be ok with that. He's gone, but he'll be back. I never thought that I would be able to handle my mom's surgery, and when I survived the actual day, I never thought that I would be able to care for her and cook all the meals and clean the whole house and pretty much do EVERYTHING by myself, but I did. I even managed to have a social life. I think that I should realize that sometimes I do things that are good. My whole life isn't horrible. Certain aspects of it are, but not the whole thing. To quote Jessi, I will spend my whole life wondering what I could have done so right to let me be with the one boy I've ever really loved. He dances with me in my living room, just to make me smile. He fixes the things that I break. He worries about me driving in the rain and going out alone. I remember when I told him I loved him, it was the first time I had ever felt completely vulnerable, like an open wound, begging to be fixed. When he said it back, I cried. I couldn't believe that I said it and it was ok. He's been there to comfort me through everything. I have some great friends. They told me "call me if you need me" and meant it. They let me borrow their cars for driving tests, invited me over to get my mind off my problems, and sang horrible songs to make me laugh when I felt like crying and going to sleep and never waking up. Thank you to all of you for that. You have made a time in my life that I just wanted to forget, something that I actually will always remember.